Feeling Better, But....

I heard this is the crud going around that turns into pneumonia....

She said it's pH related. So, no coffee, no dairy, no sweets, no citrus, no beef or pork, and so on...

Eat as alkaline as possible, keep the tissue from swelling.

During sleep, my nose is clear. I get up, it starts to congest and run again. I figured I just needed to vacuum, which I do anyway. One person has had this for 8 weeks and is still sick. I've had it for 2+ weeks, and I'm over it.

So, I'll adjust my diet, which I was doing anyway, and maybe even feel a little better.

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Meanwhile, I've been crocheting. I hit the sales right after Christmas and got more yarn. I ran out of yarn (or very close) for my coat project. I'll try the framework again next week, and begin laying out some of the larger pieces to see where I am as far as how much I still need to crochet. I am sure that I don't have enough pieces, but I wonder if I need another run to the yarn store...

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And another update on Walmart-
They are closing their crafts/yarn/fabric section.

I boycott Walmart. They come in to a town, undercut all the prices of all the mom-n-pop stores, and put them out of business. OK, low prices are great, but these little stores have been around forever and have a lot of variety in them. They are fine-tuned to the neighborhood where they are located, or they wouldn't still be in business. Suddenly, you have to go to Walmart, and some of the speciality items are no longer available.

Next, Walmart stops carrying whole lines, like the crafts/fabric/yarn section they are pulling out of the local store. Now, you can't find those items within a 200 mile radius. Whole ways of life are being changed and ruined by Walmart because of their predatory tactics.

I believe in shopping locally. Groceries, produce, mom-n-pop stores. There are some chains/franchises that I will use, such as Pet Supplies Plus. That is a regional chain - Tennessee and North Carolina, a little in Virginia. They are not nationwide. I stopped using Walgreens as much. I go to a large chain grocers because that's what is available, but Food City is my choice, and the chain is not as large as the other chain in town. I also like their produce better.

I like Earth Fare, which is a local green-grocer chain. They are knocking on the door of the chains, and they carry more of the healthier choices and brands than the others. I'm not always in the neighborhood for them, though. We also have a food co-op here that I frequent, Three Rivers.

Shop locally. Support your local infrastructure. If you don't, you won't have a job or a place to shop pretty soon. And your opinion won't count! Remember that special item that you could always get at the neighborhood shop that isn't available anymore?

It used to be that if I wanted something special, the manager of the grocery store would order it. Not so much anymore. I have to go to several stores, looking, and maybe find it - or not. I end up requesting it or getting it online a lot of the time. Costs more that way.

So, support the local shops. You never know when your choice will be taken from you. Good prices aren't the only reason to shop somewhere.

Staying Low-Key....

I'm staying low-key today. I'm so sick of being sick! I want to get better, and the best way I know to do that is to give my body what it needs - sleep, nourishing food, and more sleep.

This cough has been around for over 2 weeks, and the congestion continues. Some "cold!"

Even colds are supposed to be gone in a week. This is like everything else in my life lately, long and drawn-out.

So, sleeping, eating light but nourishing morsels, and crawling back into the bed. If I feel warm, I get up; cold, I crawl under the covers.

After Christmas Rush....

I'm not in a rush, and I don't know if other folks are. I went to Hobby Lobby and, unpressed for time, finally walked all over the store. I got some yarn, a couple of canvases, and some flavorings for cookies, cakes and candies. I could have gotten more flavorings, but didn't think about it.

Anyway, I realized that their sales aren't near as good as the sales at Jo-Ann's, and while they don't have the variety of yarns, what they have is OK. They have some yarns that Jo-Ann's does not carry, probably house brands. They have a lot of home-dec accessories, that you will never find at Jo-Ann's. But Jo-Ann's does not carry canvas and painting supplies, so it's a trade-off.

I'll be going to Jo-Ann's today, spending more money on yarn. I ran out of yarns (very nearly, anyway) for my project. I'm at 4 bags of completed pieces, but still need more. I need some more whites. I have plenty of colors, but Jo-Ann's has a better selection, at better prices; particularly in the whites. Since white is the tie-in for all the pieces, I need a lot more of it.

It was fun to go shopping the day after Christmas, and not be pressed like I would be at the malls. I didn't pick up any Christmas decor or cards. I usually get my cards the day after Christmas, so I always have my cards ready for next year, but I didn't even look for them yesterday.

I'm feeling OK, as long as I keep taking the cough medicine. My nose is still stuffy, too. How long does a cold last, anyway???

Happy Christmas to All!

May the spirit shine down from the heavens and lighten your load. Enjoy your fellowship this Christmas. Be together.

Love,
M

Well.....

It's "just" a cold. Yeah, right! I haven't been sick at all for 3 years, and it knocked me back!

Glad it's nothing more serious - don't know how I'd handle that...

Been sick, getting worse...

I thought it was just allergies in overdrive. It seemed so innocuous.

NOT!

This is day 6 of crud in the lungs. I seem to be getting worse. I think it's time to seek assistance...

Getting My Gratitude Back

I had a friend in from Memphis for a visit today. He's my accountant, but he hadn't seen the house yet. It was nice to visit. He was very happy with this house, and it reminded me of where I came from...

Yeah, keep that in mind!

Also, Habitat has made some movement. In a good way. The head electrician and project manager came out to check items. I've been promised a roofer for the drip edge, and a circuit replacement if that circuit blows again. The plumber was due today, but weather likely kept him busy.

It Ain't the Microwave...

Well, I now know for absolute sure that my microwave is not the problem in the kitchen. It's pulling a solid 12.4 amps, but not blowing the circuit by itself.

Yes, some issues are being addressed.

You know, if a phone call would fix things, such issues would never get to the blog at all. Minor annoyances are quickly forgotten. It's the long-standing and festering stuff that gets covered here...

Sore Throat...

I've been using my nose spray the last few nights and actually sleeping better! Who knew that's what the problem was. As a nice side effect, I have a scratchy throat today. I know that's what it is, because I always get a scratchy throat from this stuff. It burns going in, and gives me a sore throat. But I can breathe...

Trade offs, right?

I've either been majorly distracted or something else equally as devastating; because I made a major gaffe at work late yesterday. This one is solidly my clumsiness. I'm not sure what else I can do to fix it. Nothing from my boss, yet.

Anyway you look at it, this one is going to cost me. Some kind of fallout is sure.

I just hope I'm not fired over it. Yeah, it's that serious.

Electrical Work

The electrician blew me off, said he had folks with no heat. OK, legitimate or not, it's a good excuse. He told me to call again yesterday, and I did. He didn't answer.

I finally got sick of this delay and being ignored. I escalated the issues by e-mailing the head of Knoxville Habitat for Humanity. I told her my concerns, my issues, and why I was e-mailing her. I don't know what else to do, unless I do a write-up on the paper or something.

We'll see how that affects things on Monday/Tuesday. I should at least get a phone call.

Restless, Crocheting up a storm...

I've been crocheting a project for several months. It's a patchwork sweater-jacket, probably with a hood. Anyway, it's taking a while, and it will be a while longer.

Anyway, I hadn't crocheted for about 3 months, but kept it close. Lately, I'm crocheting again - to the exclusion of other things.

I've been very restless, and overwhelmed daily by this house. It's just past 20 years since my first AA meeting. I can't count that as my sobriety date, but it's been that many years since my first meeting.

It's also getting close to 3 years since my last cigarette. I think that's more what's behind my restlessness. I even caught myself wanting to pick one up the other day. Not because I wanted a cigarette, but because I wanted that familiar action and feel. I certainly don't ever want to smoke again! I wanted that repeating action of carrying the cigarette to my mouth, and I wanted something in my mouth. That explains a lot of why I've been shoveling stuff into my mouth, lately. And it's probably why I've been crocheting non-stop for a few days.

I had 2 meals, my morning muffin, and 2 bowls of ice cream yesterday. That's all. No other snacks or food. So, the ice cream wasn't good for me, but I'm concentrating on the fact that that is all I ate! That's probably the best day I've had in a long time.

I also spent a bit of money this week. I got seeds, a seed-blocker and subscribed to the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens so I could get 4 reports sent over the 2010 gardening year. It was spending on good stuff, but spending when I don't have a lot of $$ is never a good idea. I also ordered several catalogs

I have more money coming in, thank goodness! My bills are paid! I'm really in good shape, but I feel so out of control right now.

On another note, I finally figured out which circuit keeps blowing in my kitchen. It's the stove, and a wall of outlets, all on the same circuit. Not good. The stove should be on it's own. So, the electrician is again not returning my calls. This really needs to be escalated. I just don't know where to go with it.

And the light in my bedroom is still coming on and going off by itself. I really wonder if this house is safe!

Slept in

I didn't go to my meeting this morning. It was just too early. The light in my bedroom came on and woke me up in the middle of the night again. I ended up sleeping a lot longer than I'd intended, but I finally got rested.

I finally called the electrician today. He's coming over tomorrow to check stuff out.

I'm going to clean a bit today.

I'm worried about a friend who's having some medical issues. I love her dearly, and she's having a problem that needs to be addressed. She's taking care of herself, but her communication isn't always two-way. I worry about her.

Well, the litter boxes won't clean themselves... Gotta run! ;)

Tired of Complaining....

I realized that I've been complaining the last couple of posts...
Well, some good stuff is happening, too...

I got some fab boots - yeah, right! BUT with 6EEEE feet, it's hard to find shoes that fit!

I got a pair of boys 5 1/2 and put some insoles and arch supports in them. They are AWESOME! I can finally hike and work and walk without my feet killing me after 30 minutes! They are strong enough to use on a shovel, or hike the Smokies!

I got my heirloom bean seeds today. Yep, stuff where you need to save seeds because they don't get sold and they are rare. Not hybrid stuff, and ancient seed lines. Fabulous food!

I'm crocheting again for the first time in several months. I've missed it, but couldn't wrap my head around it.

I have a fabulous job that I love, and I've been on the same job almost 2 years. That's damn-near a record! I STILL love it!

My girlfriend gave me these cool fleeces. One is a vest, one a hoodie. Boy, did I need them and do I love them!

Life is good most days.... I just have some rough spots, still.....

NOT Grateful!

I've been trying to be grateful for this house. One shouldn't have to TRY to be grateful for something this nice.

HOWEVER, living here is not the same. There are "issues" that need to be fixed, and are not getting fixed.

I have a light plugged in to the outlet in my bedroom - it's one of those touch-lights...

Everytime it rains or my neighbor's AC unit comes on, the light comes on and off.

I have water going under the soffit, getting into the attic. Not yet fixed.

I have air in the hot water tap in my bath. Don't know if there's a leak yet.

I have a microwave, yes, it's under 10 yrs old, and it's big. BUT, it works just fine, and was just serviced 8 months ago. It blows the kitchen outlets about every 3rd time I use it.

I'm supposed to have a home warranty, and all this crap is warranteed. I'm not getting my warranty repairs! I've complained and complained. I don't know what to do next.

Stuff they WON'T fix...

The carpet was supposed to be a very dark charcoal, and it's silvery blue.

The driveway needs to be cut out and moved because it's in the middle of the backyard, instead of on the side. I can't put up any privacy fencing with any privacy, because you can see right into my bedroom. I also can't plant anything in the back yard until this is done.

For the record, I told the head of construction before we ever started, that I wanted the house on one side of the lot instead of in the middle. It's in the middle. He totally blew me off.

I've been trying to find gratitude, but it's become another shaming thing. I feel like I'm should-ing on myself. That's just not healthy.

I talked to my sponsor, and a trusted friend. We'll get this fixed - eventually. I just hope that the warranty stuff gets paid for by the contractor - Habitat for Humanity - not me.

I wonder if other Habitat offices have clients (home owners) with this kind of problem?

Falling Down Tired! And Snowing, to boot!

I'm not making it. I'm so tired, so over-booked, it doesn't look good. I have bags under my eyes that go nicely with the dark circles.

It's not that I'm not sleeping - I am - but not near enough! 5 hours a night is not enough sleep. And the demands for my time keep coming....

I'm over it. I love being with folks but I can't do this morning stuff. I just can't!

I love the holidays, but TEA means 4pm, not 9am.

Church Group means Weds Night. I'm already booked.



Oh yeah - it's snowing today, too! Pretty!

Yes, this is KNOXVILLE, TN, USA

I'm Tired at 5am....

I've had to get up at the un-Godly hour of 5am for 2 days this week, and I have another one coming...

I'm tired at 5am...

It's DARK at 5am.

I need a nap!

I had to have some medical tests on Tuesday, and I had a Habitat breakfast today. Tomorrow, I'm off to a church function with a friend. WHAT was I thinking?!?

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Yesterday, I bought a pair of shoes. Nice shoes. They almost fit, too. Still too long and too narrow. I wear a specific size - 6EEE -- That's right, Duck Feet! I don't have webbed toes, but I might as well, for all the shoes that fit...

So, I have to return these really nice shoes, because they slip and slop on my feet. I learned that if shoes are too long, I trip. I trip on my own two feet enough, so I don't need the added impediment of shoes that don't fit, AND are too long.

It's like wearing a shoe that's got an extra 12 inches at the toe, for fashion, like they did in the 15th century - except that isn't the style today.

Of course, to get the width, I have to either order online, or wear these impossibly long shoes, so that I can wear SOMEthing on my feet!

Besides, what I need are sneakers, not some fancy dance shoes. I need something I can do yard work, hike the Smokeys and go camping in. Maybe not boots exactly, but at least something I can walk a good distance in and that I'm not afraid to get dirty.

And boots - right!
Boots are damn near impossible to find! Maybe a boys' size 6 wide? Kid's shoes come wider anyway, and if your foot isn't too long, some kids shoes will fit.

I wish there was a custom shoe-maker (cobbler) around here who wouldn't charge forever and a day, who could make me a nice pair of boots. I'm tired of my feet hurting after an hour. I'm not afraid of breaking in a good pair of boots, but first, I have to have a pair that fit. Not something that squishes my toe-bed so bad that I'm crippled after 45-60 minutes.

I've had that happen.

Gorgeous Morning!

It is a beautiful day out today! Gorgeous!

I woke up before the alarm today, and went back to bed anyway. I snuggled my cat for a little while.

I got my Christmas Cards done yesterday. I probably forgot a whole bunch of folks, but the mailed cards are ready to go.

I get to go to a meeting today, too!

Self-Assessments

I've been trying to describe myself and a project I'm working on, over the last couple of days. It's tough!

Describing myself to strangers, being honest and open, while protecting myself...

This is not as easy as it sounds. It's hard to be honest, open, and accurate, while protecting yourself! I don't want to give too much away, but I don't want to drive folks away, either.

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Describing my project, my hopes for it, and what I'm looking for....

This one, being as nebulous as it is, is really tough! I guess I'll have to define it for myself a bit better, give it some structure and a framework, so that it has a skeleton. I know the general topic, the direction I want it to go, and what I eventually want to do for it, but until it's got more substance, it's not going anywhere.

I found a new tool for that, so that's cool! Unfortunately, it's only for Windows, and I don't trust Windows for anything!

Thanksgiving Review...

Thanksgiving was quiet at my house. It was great being able to cook a feast, spread it out and graze/eat at my leisure. I left it out for about an hour, in case someone dropped in but didn't call first. I then put it away - and put out the desserts.

I enjoyed those at my leisure, too.

Finally, I put it all away, and began the tremendous clean-up! I'm down to the main baking pan from the turkey, then the gravy.

I've strained the boiled carcass, and begun my soup stock. I'll get some egg noodles and put them in the jars raw, with the soup as it is now, and seal the quarts. When the soup is re-heated, the noodles will be perfectly done.

My dressing was outside the bird, and I guess I didn't do something right, because it was very dry. I've adjusted 1/2 of it, and now that's cooling. The rest of the dressing (un-doctored) is in the freezer.

The yams were delightful!

The potatoes were a little tough. Can't figure that one. I steamed them in the nuker, then put them in the oven to brown. They turned tough, instead.

The gravy is fabulous! I have 1 1/2 quarts left, and I have a pint of turkey fat. That will flavor all kinds of things!

I also froze the second Pumpkin Pie. It will be good for Christmas.

I separated the meat into white and dark, and I have almost a full gallon baggie of each.

Well, that's my report.

I'm not concerned that I ate alone. I was christening my home, and making it a home instead of just a house. That was more important than anything I cooked or anyone who came over.

I did get a call from family later in the day, and a friend did stop by to share a cup of coffee after 6pm. It was a good day.

I love to Bake!

I SO want to get to Thanksgiving and get the feast cooking! I love baking. I love roasting, cooking, baking, mixing, and everything about cooking! I just don't like to eat. Sounds funny for someone my size, but it's true. I don't like food.

I guess it's the chemistry of food that fascinates me. Canning and freezing are as much a part of my repertoire in the kitchen as a loaf of bread or a batch of cookies. I love to cook!

I made a cole slaw. I used a cooked salad dressing from scratch for it, and had to go get cream to thin it down. Man! It took 12 oz of cream! And it's still really thick. I kinda tastes like Miracle Whip, but I know there are no preservatives in it at all. It's perfect for a cole slaw.

I'll bake the Yams tonight, so they don't take up valuable oven space tomorrow. They can be re-heated in the microwave. I need to make the Cherry pie still, but the 2 pumpkins are done. Am I obsessing? Probably. But I'm having a ball!

If I'm eating turkey feast in February, so be it!

Not Getting Religious....

A friend read my blog and begged me to not get all religious on her...

I'm not going there...

I'm using my faith journey as a guage to where I've been and where I'm going. A continuum line... It shows me growing.

We are all spiritual beings having a human experience, after all.

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On a different subject all together... THANKSGIVING FEASTS!

I'm cooking a big one, and only myself to feed. At least so far. I've opened it up for ladies who either have no place to go; or don't want to go there, but don't want to be alone. One rule: no intoxicants (or folks under their influence).

I'd like to also restrict to no kids, pets or partners. And I can only seat 10.

So far, no reservations, no confirmations. Who knows what will happen on the day...

I'm guessing I'll have a lot of leftovers.... YUM!

Cherry and Pumpkin Pie, Mashed white potatoes, Yams, Asparagus (I might even make a Hollandaise sauce for that), Turkey and Stuffing. The cats get the raw giblets, sorry. Gravy from scratch, too.

Oh yeah, none of this is from frozen except the asparagus. I'm even making the pie crusts!

My Stuffing recipe is with celery, pine nuts and dried cranberries.

Well, that's it for today...

Spiritual Growth in Three Years...

I was baptized in Christ about 3 1/2 years ago. I was reflecting on the changes to my life in that time. I've been thinking about giving you an update on my faith journey in a written form. It's become terribly simple...

Just seek God's will first, and try to do the next right thing.

And how to know the next right thing? God wants me to be sober, happy and at peace inside. He gives me the tools, and highlights the path for me, every step of the way. It's almost supernatural - the "right path" seems to be lighter (better lit), free of debris (clear, clean), my needs along the way are constantly met in the moment. It's an incredible journey of trust, that one. I have to just step forward, like the Tarot card the fool, and trust that the universe (God, Jesus) will be there to support my steps.

My former wiccan training is playing into this a lot. It is double-edged...

By giving me the tools to trust the universe (God, Jesus) and the resistance to evil (wicca, folks who want me to practice it), I grow in Jesus. Trust in the supernatural, looking to God first, and believing that He is looking out for me, are incredible tools to pull out whenever I'm confused or down-hearted.

I'm finding this the "cross I carry," also. I was So Good/So Strong in wicca, that it's a real draw for other people. They all want to be taught, but I resist. Not so much the folks I meet today, but those who knew me before, continually coming for assistance. They want guidance and help. I will give help, but I know that the source is from God, not wicca. I won't teach wicca.

I've also had difficulties with legalism. "If one does this, that is the result..."

My biggest cross here is Sunday worship vs. Saturday. God did not give a reprieve on "Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy" when he sent Jesus to us. The pagan Romans are the ones who changed us to Sunday. The Jews and some fundamental Christian sects keep Saturday. There has never been a satisfactory answer for me on this one. I have to work every other weekend, so taking it off for full observance is not an option.

The "churches" that keep Saturday as the Sabbath are all tied up in the law, with no Grace, which was the highest blessing of Jesus. That is missing the point for me. I don't mind keeping Saturday, but add Jesus' Grace to the mix. So, this one contunues to be murky.

I have a new freedom I've never experienced before. I feel free of the constant looking over my shoulder and waiting for the next calamity. If the last 3 years have taught me anything, it's that God does not want me to fail. He's tested me, tempered me and made me strong (all in my old life) and now only wants to give me rewards.

An old meditation came back to me -

"I am sister to Jesus, daughter to God. All the tools, gifts and strengths of that position, as a Princess of the Universe, are mine to command. I need only ask (pray) for guidance and set my needs before my Father (God) and they will be met. I will not be denied."

This truly works for me.

------------

PS - It helps to reflect on this every so often and compare my life today to the chaos I lived in before I was Baptized. Yes, that is a turning point for me. My sobriety date and my baptism date. Both are very important in my calendar....

Linked In...

Have you heard of something called Linked In? It's like a networking app on steroids. It's all about business and networking. Finding jobs, finding funding for projects, finding folks who can fill a need...

Not that I'm looking, because I'm definitely not. I love my job!


I got invited by a contact I made several years ago - hardly remember him really, and now - well, my whole company is on there!!! What a deal is that? I ask you...

Well, maybe I'll learn a little more about developing websites. Meanwhile, I'm just having fun...

Linked In...

I love my days off!

I get to stay up late and watch old movies, and then sleep the next day. I don't have to use the alarm clock unless I need to be someplace early in the day. I get to finally rest my weary bones and mind. Mostly my mind. My bones are fine...

My mind though...

I guage if I've had enough sleep by whether or not I wake up dreaming. If I'm dreaming, I've had enough sleep. If not, I need more sleep. I just feel better if I've been dreaming.

However, some dreams can be really strange! Not disturbing, or scary, just strange!

This morning, I dreamt that I served Thanksgiving to my friends, and the turkeys were frozen. And there was one for each of us! The funny part of this, is that I'd started with one turkey, and they multiplied in my kitchen.

In life, the turkey is comfortably defrosting in the fridge, and I'll put it in the oven around midnight or 1am on Thanksgiving morning.

I sure hope I get some takers for the Women's First Annual Thanksgiving Dinner....
I have a 20-pounder and me with five cats. We can't eat it all...

Better Today...

I'm doing better today. I plan on taking a break and resting. Maybe my nerves will calm down a bit.

I want to get my sewing room cleared a bit, so I can do some sewing and get creative. That always calms my nerves, too. All the boxes and commotion and mess in there are not conducive to creativity.

I find that when I get creative - crochet, knitting, sewing, painting, or beading; that my doldrums go away, and all's right with the world pretty soon. It's getting the creative juices flowing that's the issue.

If creativity is plugged up by stress, worry or disorganization, I can be very difficult to be around. It's like a spiral out of control, toward depression and unhappiness.

If I'm expressing creativity in one place, it spreads out to the rest of my life. I come up with interesting and novel ideas that actually work, when dealing with the little annoyances that pop up in life. I handle finances better. I approach the most mundane task as an opportunity to express art. I get more satisfied with work. It all just flows. I become very productive, too! It seems to build on itself and feed more creativity. Like begets like.

Weird and busy day!

Busy because I've been running since I got up. I only just checked my personal e-mail at 9pm. I usually get to that by 10am. But not today...

Weird, because it was such a mix of stuff! Habitat, personal, friends, work, all jumbled up together.

And work...

Yeah...

Another strange day at work. I ask you - how can someone not fix something that isn't broken? And then get in trouble for it? Goodness!

Oh well, tomorrow is another day.

Schedule Conflicts...

Man! I just can't seem to get to that OA meeting! I have something to do for Habitat this Saturday, so again, I have to put off going to the meeting. It's like the biggest sabotage I have! At the same time, it's fun to do the stuff for Habitat!

House maintenance aside, this one is about gardening - edible gardening! Wow! Right up my alley...

Been wanting to write, but can't seem to get there

I even had the screen up for about 3 hours while I ran around the other day. I just didn't have the time/energy/desire to actually sit down and write.

I talked with my friend who's husband passed. I shared, but not all of it. She isn't the problem, and doesn't need to bear all of this right now.

She suggested OA on Saturday, which is a really good idea for me. I need to get my diet back on track. I know what works, but I just can't seem to stick with it for an entire day. I get off kilter and eat whatever I see. I have all the right stuff in the house...

My housewarming went well. It was less well-attended than I'd hoped, but not bad. I had a chair or two available, and it was a nice visit with friends. That was the main thing, anyway. I really wanted friends to come visit.

In the apartment, nobody came over after the first time. The place was so bad - cramped, it felt like the place was closing in on you. It didn't smell, but the cat hair was pretty bad - I'd given up trying to keep it under control - I couldn't turn around or reach anything without moving something else.

I love the space here. I don't want any more furniture. I just want what I have to be organized. Yes, I need bookshelves. I need a baking station in the kitchen. So, yeah, I guess I still need some stuff, but it can't be that stuff comes in and nothing goes out. I have to "REPLACE" things - short book cases with tall ones - not just integrate tall ones and keep the short ones too. Although, more shelving is always a good idea for me...

I got my 4-drawer file cabinet, and I haven't even begun putting stuff in it. I guess I can start that project. The sewing room is still a mess, and until it's organized, I can't sew. I guess some shelving for there is a good idea, too. (sigh)

Maybe I'll just have to keep adding bookshelves and storage until it's all put away and looks clean.

Emotions...

Out of control, that's what I was...

I went to the funeral yesterday and got triggered. It's me, not them. Something inside me that I really need to look at deeply, got triggered. I'm not about to do the soul-searching here, but I'll do it.

Then, when I got home, the laptop had updated something and rebooted itself. Without my permission! It took 2 1/2 hours to get it running again! I was SO PISSED! I figured out how to stop it, but DAMN IT! I hate Windows! I lost I don't know how much data, important stuff that I needed to follow up on, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

I called Toshiba and reamed out a poor phone person, who truly was not at fault. It's not her fault that XP does this shit. Thank GOD for TechRepublic! They had the fix right there, on the website, where anyone could see it. I did it - I turned off all automatic EVERYTHING!

I'm getting notices from McAfee to update, but I don't care. I only use that computer for work. I don't surf. I don't play. I don't do crap! Strictly work. Password controlled, access controlled, can't even bring up a browser without a password on the damn thing. Can't even access the desktop without a password.

But I blew a royal gasket. During my tirade, two unfortunate men came to the door. One, a hapless insurance inspector for my home insurance, and the other, a kind gentleman delivering a wonderful rocking chair for my housewarming. I just couldn't deal with any of it.

Later, one of my neighbors came by. She's a sweetie, really she is...

I unloaded on her, but nicely. I didn't yell at her or anything, but I did finally recount everything that had happened so that she would understand my craziness at the moment.

The part of me that got triggered has to do with relationships (no big surprise there!) and being single, unable to connect and stay connected. It's a real sore point for me. I want the love of my life - the marriage that lasts forever, and the relationship that seems karmic. I had it. We divorced in 1991. It still hurts. And I'm alone.

No wonder I repel men!

I Want(and want and want and want and...)

"My eyes are bigger than my stomach." "Always wanting more"

That's me!

I always want more. More money, more space, more stuff, more clothes, more mail, more flowers, more friendship, more solitude, more (fill-in-the-blank).

I woke up this morning feeling pretty good. No pain or rush to be anywhere.

I baked a cake yesterday, and put it together (this was my first cake in over 10 years!) but it turned messy because of the marshmallow cream in the middle. So, it's in the fridge, and it's very tasty. It isn't as pretty as I expected. I learned: marshmallow cream needs a "well" to be used in the middle of a cake, and pipe it in.

It was "supposed to be" devils food cake, marshmallow cream and cherry pie filling in the middle, and chocolate fudge frosting with shaved bitter chocolate sprinkled on top.

It never got the bitter chocolate on top. No worries - it's still delicious!

Another aspect of my life...

My girlfriend's husband passed. She'd spent 13 weeks caring for him while he was in and out of the hospital, rehab centers and nursing homes. Because she was there, he lasted 13 weeks. The horror stories she told me of his treatment, nearly daily, were incredible!

He's out of pain and in a better place, and she's shattered, picking up the pieces. The visitation is tonight and funeral tomorrow. I'm booked for this evening and can't be there for her tonight, but I'll be at the funeral. From now on, I'll be at her elbow in meetings, in social settings and so on.

She chose me, and I'm very grateful! I love her - she's so much like me! She would be the girlfriend I had in Jr High if we'd grown up in the same places. I've been so lonely, and to finally find "that girlfriend to hang with" after 7 years, is really cool. I'm sorry she's had to go through this, this pain and loss.

Apparently she inherits a bit of property, so she wants some shielding and to hang with women right now. Smart decision, really. From what she's told me, the sharks are already circling. If there's one thing I do know how to do, it's repel men...

Posting Every Day...

I have a wonderful friend who made a commitment to post every day. I'm not that ambitious.

I got to hear part of a 5th step last night. More to follow. I don't get to hear many of them. I never get past Step 3 with most ladies. Not me so much as just the circumstances. The halfway-houses don't care for my step-centered approach, and my desire to actually "work" with my ladies.

When there is only one night a week that they aren't running around or in a house meeting, you can only do one or 2 ladies at a time. And if the management decides that a lady isn't doing what she should, they can keep her from you. It's too much like jail for me. I don't sponsor ladies in jail, either. I'll write to them, but I won't sponsor them.

I've always been available, but I guess it just takes a person of a certain type to want me for a sponsor. And then, you have to be willing to do the steps, too! I'm kind of no-nonsense about that. It's life-or-death. I learned from some great ladies, and I want to pass on what they gave me.

You can't really sponsor without the steps. I've tried.

Here I started out talking about a commitment to posting every day, and it turned into a philosophy of sponsoring...

Such is my brain with a cat yeowling at me....

Got a nasty headache....

I've had a headache threatening me for days. It hit this morning! It's sinus/stress/migraine. What a combo!

Stress - it's in my neck and the back of my head
Sinus - behind my eyes, and my eyes are bleary and my nose wants to run
Migraine- seeing spots again.

I was supposed to go see the "Kirking of the Tartans" at a local Presbyterian church today with some friends. I can't handle the noise. I can barely move to feed the cats!

Oh well, this too shall pass...

Cut off my hair...

I cut off my hair on Saturday night. It was one more time, using $14/bottle shampoo, $6/tube conditioner, and my hair was like straw. After not being able to get a comb through my hair one more time, I'd had enough. I grabbed the clippers I use on the cats. I put on the longest guard I saw - it turned out to be the middle of them, not the shortest, not the longest. I cut off the hair. All the color-treated, damaged hair.

The expensive shampoo is because my scalp is a mess. I'm over 50 years old. This is not acne. I'm detoxing or something, and it's coming out in my skin - face and scalp. It has been doing this for about 4 years, and getting progressively worse. Allergies, contaminants, mold, mildew, pollution, or whatever... This has got to stop!

About 3 years ago, I got the idea to cut off my hair. Everybody said not to - including my doctor. She recommended Nizoral shampoo; $10-$14 a bottle, depending on the size of the bottle. Guess what? The shampoo didn't work! I've tried selenium, zinc, salicylic acid, and Nizoral (ecto-something). Nothing worked. I've been cutting my own hair for all that time. I did get it cleared up once long enough to get a fab cut, but could never go back in for upkeep.

I had to clip it again the next night (last night) to get all the little bits I'd missed. I did it this time with dry hair, and went over it several times in all directions. I still have a couple of longer wisps, but not whole sections. I can live with that. My hair is about 1/2" all over my head.

I can use my facial/body soap to remove the oils and dirt. That's a great savings!

If I really need hair, I can wear a wig. Otherwise, lipstick (maybe) and earrings (when I get them unpacked) will let folks know I'm female. If they can't figure that out on their own, of course!

Wherever you go, there you are...

I've been having weird "deja vu" experiences lately. Things from the past are suddenly in my face again. It's like I'm doing the same things all over again. Things from 20-30 years ago, not a few months ago.

There are strange, ephemeral, wisps of memory. I'll make a movement, and it will hit...

Very strange!

I have to keep my mind front-and-center, and pay attention to every movement, every thought, every idea, every task. I have to "be mindful" in a very zen way. That takes effort, let me tell you!

Another strange thing is that each time I talk to my neighbor (the one who was here first), I end up feeling anxious, angry, and full of rage. Not the way I want to feel about someone I barely know. It's like the waves of her depression are flowing over me. How can one protect against such a wash of emotion, when one isn't feeling it ones self?

Well, the day is not getting any younger, and I have tasks to do outside the home today.

My phone is still not right, I still have no TV service, and I desperately need to do laundry.

I also have to make copies of the ladies' meeting phone list. I'll be taking that to a service, today. Cheaper in the short run than purchasing ink for my copier, and the group can pay for the copies. I've paid for them myself, in the past, but not right now.

I'm also concerned with a friend I haven't heard from in a week. I think I'll try calling her again today. Maybe I'll catch her at home.

Car, Class and Meds, oh my!

What a morning! So much to do! I had my Monday budgeting class today. It was good to be back in the saddle!

And then I went to get my meds. Great, no fee for that one! Thank goodness for samples, as this stuff is very pricey!

Then, noticed yesterday that my tire was going flat again, so I drove over to the tire shop. Wrong one. I bought the back ones at a different shop. Went there - had to wait, but they put air in the tire.

Oh My!!! I found a way to spend $20 in no time flat!!! I took myself back to the tire shop, to sit and wait. Much cheaper...

Turned out I did good - the tire was leaking around the bead (connection to the hub/wheel or whatever) so it was again, no fee. Thank goodness for road hazard and guarantees...

Home and work. Clean, unpack, and do what I do. Much safer at home, can't spend money unless I shop the internet. And I don't do too much of that, thank goodness!

Later Gator!

I'm BAAaack!

Man! I missed the internet! I think it was 4-5 days with no connection. I had no idea how plugged in I am!

I tried to read a book, and I unpacked a lot of boxes, so the time was put to good use.

Anyway, I'm back online, and I have a phone again. It feels good.

Going Offline Now....

Going offline now for a few days while I actually make the move. Unavailable by phone, e-mail or chat for a few days. I'll have my cell, but I don't know the number. I've programmed a few numbers in it, so I'll be able to get hold of folks.

Last of the packing is pretty much done. Time to dismantle the computer.

Have a good few days...

Whew!!!

I'm nearing the end of crazy packing. Crazy packing is when you pack stuff you probably need to use in the next week, but you can't be sure, but you know it needs to move so you pack it anyway....

And then, there is the stuff you KNOW you will need and need to hold it out till the Very-Last-Minute - and My, Oh My - ALL THIS STUFF needs to be packed at the last minute!

So, It's kind of crazy right now. I've been through the piles of stuff, know whats there, and now just need to be sure I have enough boxes to make it.

I emptied out the car into the house, so now I have room for stuff and people in the car! What a joy that is... I'll be able to move the cats, because now there is enough room for the carriers in the car! Not to mention the litter boxes, food and so on...

On the lighter side, I got to shop for the house yesterday...

I got the mail box post, house numbers, and the trash can. Very important stuff, and I can't move without having them...

I got the shower rods and shower curtains, curtain rods for all 6 of the big windows, the fire extinguisher, and some towels for the bathroom that will be "public" and needs nice towels...

It was a nice break from the packing craziness.

I still need a lot more "stuff" but this is a good start. I looked at the curtains, but didn't have enough $$ to get them at that moment. I've budgeted about $100/month for the house, and it will go for curtains right off. I have 2 blinds, one each for the bedroom and office. That will have to do for now.

I didn't blog at the time of the Dedication, on Sept 23. It was wonderful. I guess I posted it elsewhere, so didn't put it here, too.

Gouffon Moving is coming at 8am on Monday, October 5. The computers have to be offline and packed into the car before that, so I'll probably move the cats on Oct 4, and take the computers offline the same day.

Almost done!

The house is almost done! I got some plants put in from my "Covenant Partner." There's a white Crape Myrtle tree (yes, correct spelling), an Oak tree, 2 Knockout Roses, and 4 butterfly bushes.

Habitat has corporate and church groups that "Covenant" to work with a home owner to build their home. These folks provide people and money to get the job done. Some groups donate furniture or appliances, others donate only their time and money. Some groups donate landscaping, like my group did.

The "Dedication" is next, on Sept 23, at 2:30pm. This is when I get a symbolic (or real) key for the house, and the house is blessed. I'm given a certificate from KUB for a tree, there is a 50% off certificate for one shopping trip at the Thrift Store (bring a truck and plenty of money, so I can get all the things I need), the home library (like I need *more* books!) a Family Bible (that will be nice) and any gifts that folks want to donate.

The carpet is a little lighter than I expected, and it's out-gassing a lot from the adhesive and chemical process. If it's this bad for me, what will it be like for the cats, who are that much closer to the floor? I'm a little concerned about that. I'll go and vacuum the carpet, wash the floors and so on, in the next couple of days. The appliances are expected tomorrow, so between tomorrow night and Wednesday afternoon, I'll be cleaning a lot.

I figure I'll be a blubbering idiot, crying at the drop of a hat, during the ceremony. My friend and Pastor is coming from Johnson City/Gray Tennessee, and we expect him to be be adding blessings. I don't know how many of my Program Friends will be there. I hope quite a few.

My neighbor is feeling my "wall" and commented on it. I'm getting the impression that she doesn't have a lot of friends, but I can't be her lifeline. I have a life of my own that is very full. Sometimes, over-full! I'm willing to be neighborly, but not glued at the hip.

Well, I have paperwork to do, so I'll get on it...

Feel Like I'm Losing a Friend....

I have a friend who promises and never follows through. This time, it was a little more serious. Not life-threatening, but it still messed up my schedule, so I need to deal with this...

She said she would come over and help pack - or at least help me pack my stuff by directing me into the next area. I'm still pretty overwhelmed by all the junk I have!

So, I went about my morning, expecting to see her in the afternoon. I got home, and there was a message - she had an appointment that would take about 1 1/2 hours. OK, so I waited and just went about housework, nothing big. I called just before she was due to get out, to confirm that I was waiting and to call me when she was ready.

I never heard from her.

Now the thing about this is, I could have used the afternoon to do a big chore, like laundry, to pack my clothes, to pack the kitchen or whatever. But not hearing from her, I'm now behind my schedule. I waited. I hoped. I considered her and accommodated her. Not hearing from her was not considerate.

I don't expect the moon. I just expect to be kept in the loop. I have enough people not calling me back when I've called them. When I've made plans based on the assumption that they were involved - and they are the only other persons involved, it messes up my thinking and my schedule. I can do something else, if I know that person won't be involved.

This isn't the first time she's done this. I think that she genuinely wants to be friends, but she has a problem. It's called alcoholism. She's drinking on and off.

I'm afraid I'm losing her. I can't be her sponsor and her friend - she doesn't want that. I can't stop her from drinking. All I can do is try to be here for her. But I have to protect myself also. And right now, this type of behavior is very disruptive. I have enough going on without her behaviors.

I'm afraid I'll lose her before the dust settles.

We're number 37 worldwide

A little ditty for your enjoyment! NO!!! Sad but true...


HEY, WHY DO YOU THINK I'M ALWAYS BASHING OUR US HEALTHCARE SYSTEM??????

The Way I Was...

I've been fortunate to connect with a person I knew many years ago. I didn't know him very well, and I'm trying to be more of a friend now. However, remembering the way I was is disturbing.

I was not a nice person. I was in such a self-involved haze! Not so much drug-induced, as just checking out of life by thought processes. I wanted out of what was going on so bad, that I hardly saw what was going on around me. If someone didn't serve my immediate need - what was in front of me at the moment - I pretty much ignored them. Not the nicest way to go about things.

And of course, telling the intervening 30 years of history has been interesting, too. How to condense the history of a life into short sound bites. "I got hurt and lived in pain for 22 years" doesn't begin to tell the story of the hell it was. The financial, emotional and physical hell. Not being able to hold a job because of physical discomfort; not having health insurance to deal with the injury or seek treatment because I couldn't hold a job; not having funds to live on because I was always between jobs. The way I used people because of the pain, lack of money and no health care. The way I used drugs, booze and fantasy, to handle the pain. And the feeling of low self-worth because I was useless, in pain, and broke all the time.

All because "I bent over one day and couldn't stand up again." No car wreck to sue an insurance company or driver, no job-related injury. Just a simple movement we do everyday. I bent over and couldn't stand up again.

Even now, the thought of it makes me cry. 22 years of lost income, lost opportunity, and self-involvement.

Packing!

I'm still packing. I got under the sink in the kitchen tonight. I found my PUR water filter that wouldn't fit on the fixtures here - I can't wait to put it in my new home!

I've had my typical side-pain again today. It hurts so bad, I want to cry, but there is nothing there - at least they haven't found anything yet. I think I'm going to request an ultrasound, x-rays and maybe a CT-scan. Something IS wrong. People shouldn't hurt as a general part of their day. We completely missed the gallbladder mess because of this. It had to burst on Jan 2, 2002, before it was identified. And I still have the pain! But all the testing I just had run didn't show anything, so it's not the obvious.

I went to clean the house again today. I discovered that there is no water to the bathroom sink in the master suite. I don't know why, but that isn't my concern. And they guaranteed me that the shed would be moved. I also found a ding or 2 in the tub that need to be addressed.

My neighbor, bless her heart, came running over as soon as she saw my car, of course. She is getting to be a real pest.

I found a nightshade plant growing next to the porch - don't know if it's tomato or potato. The nightshade family, for sure. The leaves were right for it. It will probably be cut up and dug under when the "Knock out rose" shows up on that corner of the porch. I get one for each corner. I get a white crape myrtle, and some butterfly bushes. I get a red or white oak, too.

I found the blueberry bushes! I went to the farmer's market yesterday and there was a guy with herbs and 4 types of locally grown blueberry bushes. That will be cool.

I don't know what I'm doing awake at this hour. I finished packing for tonight, took a shower and started thinking about how to pack the bathroom. Maybe that's it - my mind is going a mile a minute.

I made some mistakes at work this week. My brain has been off in la-la land for about 2 weeks, and it's catching up with me. I've tried to rest, to recharge, but it isn't working. Thank goodness there is only another 3 1/2 weeks on this side of the move!

God Bless you all...,

Political Griping and Energy

You know, if the government elected persons put HALF the energy they use to slam, dig, object, contradict and otherwise oppose the party in power, into getting along, finding a way to make the government work and working out a solution instead of blocking every effort, this country would be GREAT again!

What a disgusting display!

No time or Napping...

Phew! What a day! No time for napping, but at least I'm still upright.

Work is cool today. Not too busy, not too slow. Enough to keep me thinking.

The headlight wasn't too bad, financially. I'm glad that's done. I turned in another 52 - 1/2 hours on my total, so by MY totals, I'm way over the 500 for the house. We'll see what they say after they are all computed.

I didn't get back with the insurance guy. I still need to do that...

So many little things!

I got to the Farmers Market today! Found a cool guy with beef by the side, so I can get the ribs I like.

And there was another guy there with some of the plants I'll need for the garden - Blueberries, anyways. And the herbs, Rosemary, Mint and Lavender.

Recharged - Sort of NOT!

I've done a lot of resting, and even forgot to eat most of yesterday. I keep falling asleep at the oddest times!

I packed another 6 boxes last night, after I took my bedtime meds. I ate a couple pieces of chicken when I realized I hadn't eaten all day and now was attempting to do some physical work. Amazing how I can forget to eat and still be this heavy...

Anyway, the pain in my side I've decided must be a hernia or something. The Colonoscopy didn't find anything wrong on the inside, so I'll just have to learn to live with it. I leaned in the car a couple of days ago, and it's been hurting ever since.

I cleared up the stuff in my desks last night. I organized and cleared clutter. I'm at the point of packing the most urgent items - the current bills, stamps, and so on. Most of the office supplies are packed, and all the disks and CDs.

I packed a bit more on the bookshelves - stuff I hadn't figured out how to pack before. I still don't know that it's going the right way, but the stuff is in boxes, and that's the most important thing.

I'm not sure how I want to handle the food - the flours, teas and stuff on the top shelf. It needs to be packed, but I don't want to give the mice or roaches something to eat, so maybe a plastic bin or 2? I'll have to get more of them. Maybe I should toss the flours? I haven't been able to bake for over a year. That means that all the flours, except the soy flour that I store in the fridge, is pretty old and maybe already feeding little critters.

I also need to get the attic cleared out and get rid of some items that I no longer want/need. A thrift store trip is in my future. Man! I'm so tired and the car is so messy already.

Oh yeah! That's another thing. The left headlight had to be replaced last month, now the right one is out. That's something for today that I can't put off. I put new belts, new front tires, fixed the trunk lock and the left headlight. The car still needs an oil change and front brake pads. My funds are limited right now, though, so maybe later this month?

When I get back from my "stuff" today, I'm napping! I'll get the headlight fixed, go to a meeting, and then come home - clear out the inbox, and naptime! My favorite time of day!

***

One nice thing - the fleas have given up the ghost! I'll have to spray again mid-week next week, but for the most part, they've gone. The cats have stopped scratching, and the fleas have stopped hopping onto me. It was a bad 24 hours when the cats first got their drops!

I'm Worn Out!

I feel like I've been taking care of other people's needs all week. I finally shut down last night. I mean shut down. I started refusing phone calls, invitaitons, conversations, friendships, pleas for help, and just folks saying "hi." I'm just tired out.

I feel like I've been pulled in a dozen different directions this past week. I feel like my insides are raw. I just need about 36 hours of peace.

When I get worn out like this, my boundaries begin to discintegrate, and people walk all over my needs, my desires and my life. I can't defend myself. The only defense is to check out. I saw it coming, so I didn't have to be nasty to anyone, but man! I'm so tired.

I didn't even know what day it was for several days running. I couldn't keep the calendar straight. I missed my meds one day. I had so much junk going on that I got emotional and melted down a couple of times.

Most folks don't even recognize when this is happening in me. I have such a cool, calm, controlled demeanor. I keep an iron lid on my emotions.

For instance...

I needed to do some laundry - so I packed it into the car, checked the soap and headed to the store for more. I got to the store, picked up the soap, and tried to open the trunk to put the soap in with the clothes. The trunk wouldn't open.

I drove over to my new mechanic, he took out the back seat, the bracing, the laundry in the trunk and finally popped the lock. A broken piece of plastic in the lock was the problem. So, he replaced it, put everything back and off I went.

The check I wrote bounced. I forgot about the monthly service charge because I didn't know what day/date it was. I moved money to the account, but the check didn't come through again, and now I have to track it down to collect it.

Example 2...

My landlady showed up unexpected and wanted to chide me about her air conditioner that is leaking water so bad that the outside of the building is soaked. There is mold growing in the window frame in the apartment below me. My landlady wants me to use my towels to soak up the water. I'll give you a hint - I don't have enough towels to do that for one day, much less the rest of the season. And she doesn't pay for laundry or provide facilities. But it's somehow my fault that her air conditioner is old, moldy, full of god knows what, and leaks water. Bullshit! I'm not enabling her behaviors. She needs to spend the money on the building instead of whatever she's spending it on, and replace the air conditioners. She didn't bring her keys, so I had to stick around to lock up - and I was running late for...

A friend, whom I love, hurt herself and can't drive right now. She needed a trip to the chiropractor early in the week - it was a 5 hour expedition. Later in the week, she was out of groceries, and her credit card had been lost, so she needed to pay a bill in person. It was only 3 hours, but I was late for something else, and totally forgot about it. I wandered around K-Mart intending to get cat litter, and then saw the lines. I left empty-handed about an hour after I arrived, and got home. There was a message on the machine for the dinner I'd agreed to a week ago. I'm driving, they are buying. So, I quickly cleared up the inbox and ran.

An entire afternoon blown to hell. I need to pack. I need to nap. I wake up with a headache every single day in this place. I can't handle the heat and the only A/C is the unit in my bedroom. I don't sleep well here, so I nap in the afternoon, after I've done my major bits of work. Then, I clear up when I wake up and pack till bedtime.

My schedule is blown. My life feels like a shambles. Moving is a bitch! But all these extra distractions are more than I can handle. And I need more meetings to keep me centered. Ain't gonna happen until I'm moved to the house...

Late last night, another distraction called - it was after 10pm. I told her it was too late to call. She pouted, too bad. I'm over it. That's another situation for another entry...

FEAR is overblown reactions to what is happening....

Yeah, there are acronyms for everything...

False Evidence Appearing Real
Fuck Everything And Run
Face Everything And Recover....


Well, this fear is an oldie...

I am terrified of the good stuff.
I'm afraid the rug will be pulled out from under me.
I wait for the other shoe to drop.

I've had so many dashed dreams, that actually achieving or receiving a good thing is almost impossible for me to believe.

This happened when my current job came to me, too. I couldn't trust that it was real. The contract was sent, the job offered, the contract signed, the training schedule in place - but I couldn't let go of the little job I had. The lifestyle is perfect, the money is great, and the work is fun. This can't be real! Right? But it is real. I still love my job, almost 19 months later.

Well, I have the same thing going on right now with my house. I'm afraid it will fall through, and I'm having trouble packing. Believe me, I want OUT of where I'm living like nobody's business.

I'm over the allergies, mess, filth, broken parts, no ventilation, peeling paint, and rolling floors. I'm over a landlady who wants me to fix her crap all the time. I'm over air conditioning that barely works and causes mold in the process. I'm over electrical issues, smelling drugs and cigarettes from the other apartments, the careless tenants, the noise, the gunshots down the street....

Yeah, I need to move.

But I'm so afraid of my new place - it's too good. It's too perfect. I have to sabotage it somehow. I have to screw up so that it will go away and I'm stuck here forever in this hell-hole of an apartment.

I KNOW my fear is irrational! That doesn't make it any less real. It's still a fear.

I can only pray, face the fear and recover through it. The more I share about it, the less power it has over me.

Storybrook Farm

Check out this gorgeous place!

http://www.tricitiesdreamweddings.com/storybrook.htm

My cousins have made it! They created this place from a piece of land. How cool is that! It's so wonderful....

If you are planning a wedding or renewing vows, think of them...

Microloans to Women

I just signed up for this program, Kiva.org, where you give microloans to women (or men) to stimulate the economy in that country.

I read an article on the NY Times called "The Women's Crusade" and it was amazing! It talked about all the stuff I've researched for years, and it seemed like nobody was paying attention. These folks were (Nicholas D. Kristof & Sheryl WuDunn).

Printed, the article runs 10 pages. In it, are links to other articles. An article dated August 23, 2009 (today is the 21st) is called Do-It-Yourself Foreign Aid. It lists several there, and gives a link to a full list of microloan resources.

I strongly suggest that if you have $25 to invest, you do so. Even a small $10 donation can help women somewhere in the world.

Do it! You will like yourself for it. Women are the foundation of the world. Without women, there would be no civilization.

I'm so grateful I can help somebody else!

Gratitude....

You know, the last 2 blog entries have been gripes...

I'm so grateful I can gripe about something! I should be dead - really dead. I drove drunk, sometimes in a black out. I tried to kill myself one drink at a time for 25 years.

Buying cherries is a luxury. Cable is a luxury. To be able to move into a house of my own - that's just incredible! I don't "deserve" it. If I got what I deserved, I'd be dead - again with that....

Luxury problems. I didn't have luxury for a long time. I'm grateful for my luxury problems....

Cherries

This is about edible cherries. I bought some last night at K******* grocery store. It isn't really their fault, but at the price of cherries, I'm pissed.

I had to throw out 1/4 of the bag today. They were molding, bruised, damaged and soft.

It just isn't right.

It's like the cable company lying to me. I don't feel good working with a company that lies to me. I'm a small business myself. Maybe I'm a SOHO, but I pay for everything and I pay on time. I don't like being lied to.

I don't like having to toss out 1/4 of an expensive fruit, either. It's like the store lied to me about the quality.

I think it's just that I live where I do - but still - couldn't the store cull the bad fruit instead of selling it????

Packing!

I hate packing and moving more than dishes! And I hate doing the dishes! I hate all housework. It's dumb, futile, and useless busywork that needs to be done even when you don't want to do it.

But packing! That is something you volunteer to do. You do it because you want to MOVE someplace else. Yeah - my house, I know...

I moved so much as a kid that I really hate it. I lost so much stuff over the years that I would just as soon take the important things - photos, momentos, the cats, clothes and bathroom gear, and leave the rest.

I can't do that, of course.

I have to actually pack the books, the dishes, the knick-knacks, and CDs. I have to pack the clothes, the bathroom stuff, the pictures on the walls, the office supplies, the computers, all the JUNK that I accumulate to be able to live comfortably in one place.

I have 3 computers, 4 printers, an extra monitor and keyboard. I think I gave away the corded mouse, and all kinds of other junk for the computers. I have a whole box of just computer parts and pieces. That's not including all the ink cartridges (new, as the used ones will be recycled or tossed - NOT packed!).

I used to live like a snail, in a trailer that I connected to my truck when I wanted to move. That was so much more reasonable. Maybe not socially acceptable, but reasonable. I never had to worry about packing. When I finally sold that trailer and bought a bigger one, it took 3 van loads to move the stuff over. I had no idea I had so much stuff!

I won't even go into the expense of moving, as that's a whole different world altogether. This rant is just about the act of packing and pruning. The pruning part is good.

I get to go through all the junk and decide what to keep and what to toss. I have a lot of paper around here that will get tossed or shredded. That's a good thing.

Paper is heavy. My sister and I learned that from when Mom passed. It's a big pain to deal with when somebody dies - all that paper junk. I don't know how other people deal with it, but we actually have to read it - look it over and decide what to do with it. At least we did for Mom.

I don't want my sis to have to deal with that much paper when I go. I need to clear this junk out. Not that I'm planning to die anytime soon, mind you, but it takes a good bit of planning to not leave a mountain of paper behind.

It must be all those downed trees getting even with us. The weight of the paper.

WooHoo! New Camera!

I bit the cost and got a new camera. It was on sale, and the "last one" for a while at Walgreens of all places. It's a Polaroid, digital i733. It's pretty cool.

It does all the stuff my old digital did, has about a gazillion options, and the zoom is shorter and longer - it can shoot a closer item, and farther zooms...

It will even process a photo as black and white! How cool is that!

So, more photos for the Facebook page soon... Maybe even some here!

Health Care reform

I am SO SICK of government wrangling and infighting on this issue. I have a plan to get this fixed, NOW....

The elected officials in this country (USA) are sitting on the best health care plan available. They are paid $50K or more and get lots of "perks" for being elected...

1) Freeze all elected official's assets.
That means the dog catcher to the president - anyone who is elected into their office, freeze their assets. No income, nothing to sell, nothing to use as backup...

2) Reduce their pay to $1800-$2200 a month with NO BENEFITS
This means no health care, high taxes, no vacation, no travel benefits, nothing.

Let's see how fast they figure out how to provide health care then...

I heard an objection - Saying this legislation will reduce the quality of health care

PUH LEEZ!!!!

We have one of the highest infant mortality rates in the world.
We have more obesity, more diabetes, more heart disease, and more cancer, than just about any other country in the world.
Our medications are overpriced and hard to cover with insurance, much less pay for if you have no insurance.

Don't tell me about the quality of health care in this country. That's pure bullshit!

Test Results

All my test results were good. That's good and bad. It's good that there was nothing found, bad because we don't know why I'm feeling so poorly.

More meds, add a vitamin regimen, see what happens in a month. "Modern" medicine is a pain!

Maybe I'm just getting old. Both my parents are gone, so I can't ask them what getting older is like. I don't get to ask them about bodily functions - not that we ever talked about that while they were alive anyway...

A blessed day off!

I actually have no where to be today. I don't have to work, at work or on the house, and I got to sleep in. What a treasure!

I do have things to do - of course! Laundry, housekeeping type stuff, packing for the move, and a meeting.

I've been deciding which meeting to go to - downtown at noon or tonight. I think noon - I'm missing a headlight and can't have it replaced till next week, so that would be my best bet.

I've gotten all my clothes all dirty and stinky with the work I've been doing at the house, so I need to do a couple of small loads today. I need more change, of course, so I'll pop by the bank after meeting and get a roll of quarters.

I also need more get-well cards. My aunt is in rehab with a broken arm (she's 81) and I started sending her a card a week - for a few weeks anyway. She wrote and told me she loved them and the staff howled with laughter at the cards (laughter is the best medicine) so I need to stop by a dollar store and get about 12 more of them. She will be there for at least another 6 weeks, and these stores are the least expensive option.

Who knows - maybe I'll even get the e-zine done for my site today! That would be a wonderful use of time!

Health Care and Work

This is a political statement - if you don't want to read it, don't...

I've been employed at a couple of places in the last 7-10 years that "downsized" and actually moved the bulk of their payroll overseas - or at least out of the US. The reason for this, was the cost of health care.

Yes, health care.

This was several years ago, and these outfits needed to cut costs. A way to do that, was to move their payroll to a country with Universal Health Care. It slashed their payroll costs. They laid off over 700 people in one case, and moved to Canada.

Canada has Universal Health Care. It's part of the income tax. It's nationalized. Whether it needs to be fixed or if it is causing a bottleneck, I don't know. I just know that 700 people here were out of work.

We need Universal Health Care. Pay for it out of income tax. Provide it for ALL people. Get rid of the insurance companies that are rationing health care. Sure, some folks need more care than others - that is the nature of health care.

Pay bonuses for staying healthy and not using health care, if you have to. Financial incentives work!

Someone's downfall

I stayed with a woman (call her K) - rented a room - for about 3 months several years ago. She kept saying things that hurt and verbally attacking me, so I pulled my typical passive/aggressive stuff and made myself need to move - which is what I wanted to do but didn't know how to verbalize at the time.

Well, K is getting her come-uppance right now. Not for what went on between us, but for years of behavior that have built up a history of deception, cheating, unethical practices and so on. It's hard not to gloat.

I ran into someone a few weeks ago who bought her house and we started talking. We didn't even know these ties when we met! God truly puts the right person in your life at the right time. She's validating my experience with K. My part is still my part, but I wasn't crazy - it truly was a crazy situation. My behavior was coping behavior, and because of this validation, I can be much easier on myself for my part in things.

I prayed this morning that K will have a soft place to fall. I know she needs to go through this, but I hope she doesn't completely come undone. I know that she's in the heart of the universe, that God has her in his hand, and so on...

It just shows that the laws of Karma are still in play. This is the stuff she sowed, she is now reaping the harvest. Truly, we gather ten times or more what we sow.

She's in deep doodoo- literally! Septic tanks included...

It's SO hard not to gloat!

Not Strep!

I went to the doctor's office and my throat, laryngitis and feeling like garbage is not strep! Instead, she gave me 2 MORE inhalers.

I'm going to be SO GLAD to get out of this apartment! This place is KILLING me!

Laryngitis!!

I never had this before - sore throats and such, yes, but this is day 2 of no voice.

I can't talk on the phone, can't hardly talk to my cats - but I can still click and stuff.

I always thought this was something that would not happen to me. But here it is. I have a sore throat (4 days now) and a stiff neck (about the same length of time).

I think this is because of the air conditioner. My landlady changed the unit in my bedroom about 10 days ago in her annual musical-AC unit shift, and this unit seems to be setting it off. She put in a second unit, but that one barely cools the bedroom, much less the full apartment. Her intent was to pull the big one and leave the little one, but it just isn't strong enough to cool this place in summer.

So, for my last 3 months here, I'll be having recurring sore throats and laryngitis.

I'm going to be SO GLAD to move! And into my own house, to boot!

Cancer and Friendships

Some friends of mine have had cancer. Thankfully, I have not. However, the one I see most around here, told me of a dilemma for the cancer patient - those cute little hats!

Did you know that only a few places make nice ones? I'm going to put my costuming experience to some GOOD use and make some of these in cool fabrics for hot climates.

I need a plastic head to use. The hats themselves will be adjustable, so the size is not an issue - I just need something to use for forming and design purposes - something I can stick a lot of pins into.

I haven't tried this before, but with my sewing background, this should be an easy transition. Can't wait!

3 more months of this little apartment, and then.... ROOM! Room to sew!

Medical Procedures-

EGD and Colonoscopy - Already had new allergy testing...

MAN! $406 out in less than 3 weeks. No wonder I'm feeling very BROKE right now! And the tests are *not* pleasant!

The allergy testing took all morning and I was seriously sugar and water deprived by the end of that. I needed food *NOW* - and that wasn't enough. I had to use glucose tabs, too. At least they only did stuff on the outside of my body!

So far, the EGD (upper GI) was the worst - I was totally dehydrated when it came time - for a 2pm appt, and they kept me sitting around for another 2 hours --- and then couldn't get the IV started for the anasthesia.

Yeah! Right! Like that's going to be easy after that long without water....

I about went into shock. I said that (after the 4th stick) if they didn't get it going, I was leaving. No more. I'm all bruised and very unhappy about it all.

The test was pretty short after all that - and they did 2 biopsies. Not a good start to the process with this interior scanning.

The colonoscopy is Monday. I'm starting the prep today by eating a low-fiber diet and drinking a lot of fluid. Tomorrow is the nasty day - stay home, a liquid diet and other things I don't want to think about...

At least when they stick me for the IV, I'll be hydrated this time.

At my age, I guess you have to do this kind of thing. It's just really nasty, and I wish I didn't have to.

"Modern" medicine is still pretty stone-aged. I wish it was like on Star Trek, where you get scanned and they can tell all about your functions and there are no needles, no IVs, and no invasive surgery.

I can dream, can't I?

Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett

Two bright stars that have gone out. Any astronomer knows that bright stars go out the soonest.

May they rest in peace. God Bless....

I'm Pissed

Yeah, I know, I'm not supposed to say that anymore...

I think killing a Dr who provided abortions should be prosecuted as a hate crime.

I'm pissed at the way the "right to life" religious fanatics are behaving. I'm ashamed to be an American.

I don't want to be part of a humanity with this little humanity.

My First Tornado!

WOW! We had a tornado here yesterday morning - about 6am. I woke up with thunder and lightning - the cats were all nervous - not like them at all...

I looked out the window, all the fog on the inside made that hard, but I saw the shadow of the trees going a million miles an hour back and forth, hitting the AC unit.

There was lightning followed immediately by thunder, and a tree went down, taking the electric pole with it. A tree went down next door over a car. Across the street, an evergreen was sheared on one side - it looks a little funny.

I had electric wires across the driveway, so I couldn't/didn't go anywhere for hours.

It was also like 95 degrees and 90% humidity! YUCK! Sticky, hot weather! And it rained off and own, all day, too.

I found a battery-opertated radio, so at least I had some news. I read a book. I played with my cats. We got through it. I was so lonely for my work that I about ate my fingernails.

Late in the day, electric power was restored, and the wires picked up, so I got to go out. I didn't do much, but it was interesting to look around town and see all the downed trees.

What a day...

oh man!

WOW - a party yesterday. It was the near-end of a tough week, and I ate.

I ate stuff I haven't eaten in a while - cookies, tamales, and so on. Nice friends, good conversation. I just didn't want to stick out. And I think I needed to numb out from the frustrations of the job.

The sweets about put me to sleep. I came home finished my work and slept.

Got rest, Oh Joy!

I know, ain't been postin'

Been doing facebook instead. Time is limited, you know...

I lost a friend last week...

I lost a friend last week. She is a smart woman, but she seems to be under the influence of some very scary people. She's been forwarding increasingly hateful, untruthful, and inflammatory e-mails. She's been slandering the President of these United States.

I've had to listen/read these kinds of e-mails for years - both sides send them to their friends and family. Some are truthful, most are not.

I finally got offended to the point that I didn't want to see any more of those come my way.

I sent her a link to snopes.com, which is the myth-dispelling website. They check all the myths, forwards, rumors and so on, and tell you which are true and which are false..

So, I sent her the link and asked her to stop spreading hate and falsehoods.

She came back with more hate - but at least it was original hate. She now blocks all my e-mails. It's too bad. I wasn't attacking her, but just asked her to stop spreading hate and falsehoods.

Over-reaction. Pure and simple. It's so sad; she couldn't even see what my objection was. I never told her what to think, who to vote for, or how to believe. In her response, she did all of these to me.

I wish folks who did this kind of thing could see what is being asked and what the true objection is. I don't care who you vote for, as long as you vote. I just don't want to spread falsehood and hate. I delete them. I won't forward them.

PLEASE!!! If you forward e-mails to folks, check them for truth before you do. It will cut the amount of SPAM we all get, and keep your friends happy.

Back on the horse....

Been doing good the last couple of days. Hard as hell to eat so much food.

Who'd a thunk it would be eating to LITTLE that would make me balloon out???

sliding back to the plan

I didn't have it in me to completely follow the plan yesterday - felt like there was too much stuff in my gut.

I did a couple of plan meals, then munched on pickles (salty cucumbers) for a while.

I had a Mango, too. At least it wasn't a full-on break with a huge feast!

Back on plan today. I think I'm rebelling because of the 1) cost, 2) amount of cooking, and 3) time constraints.

I have to take food with me if I'm going to be out for more than 2-3 hours. It's bad enough having to check in on the computer every 4 hours, but this "call to food" is a ROYAL pain!

The cost is pretty steep. I'm still figuring it up, but it is more than I used to spend on groceries. On the trade-off, there isn't as much eating out. I need a full month of the money to see how close I am in actual spending to my projected spending plan.

I've already commented on the cooking! Enough said.

Getting ready to build my home

I found and claimed my property yesterday. I expect to go through the next stages of the program and actually move late October. That is a month earlier than I expected.

Groundbreaking is July 25.

Ah well...

Fell off the food plan last night. I went to the grocery store for cucumbers - my free food. Believe it or not, there were NO cucumbers on the rack where they normally live - there were some wanna-be pickles, but no cucumbers that I would consider for a salad.

Ended up getting 2 artichokes. That blew it for the evening. Back on it today.

Another 4 pounds!

Woo Hoo!!!

Boy! Hardly time to eat today!

I've had a very busy day today, and ended up skipping two snacks....

I got my main "meals" but missed mid-morning and mid-afternoon snacks. Supper was good, and I really haven't been hungry.

I met my new accountant today. He's a young dad from Memphis way. He's just certified as a CPA and wants to get into tax law, so he moved here to attend LMU. Nice fella!

He is going over the books tonight, and we'll get things fixed tomorrow.

I'm glad it's him, not me.... I'm NOT good with accounting, which is why he's setting it up all over again.

Oh boy! I get to re-do the entire last 5 months of transactions! Well, if it will make it right, that's the important thing.

So much going on in my life, it's hard to keep track.

Cucumber helps

I've added a snack in the evening of sliced or cubed cucumber. It helps because otherwise it's too long before bedtime. It's a "free food" as long as I don't use any salad dressing. I'm using lemon juice or vinegar, so that seems to be OK.

Gum is not a good idea. It sets up cravings, so I won't be chewing any more gum.

At least not for now.

Feeling pretty good otherwise.

Had a good day yesterday.

I've got to do all this accounting stuff for Habitat, and my bookkeeper hasn't returned my call so I'm not sure what's going on with her. I may just have to audit my books myself. Not a good situation! The same person who makes the mess should normally clean it up but in bookkeeping, it is advisable to have another pair of eyes. I'm not asking for free bookkeeping services, either. I'm paying for this, but not getting anywhere. Frustrating!

A New Month, New Outlook

Feeling pretty good today. So far, anyway. I've already eaten, and I didn't try to get extra minutes in dreamland. I just got up.

I got out of my e-mail before 8:15, so I'm all ready for my appts. today.

A good start to the day!

Better after a meeting

I know that I can't do anything right now, and there is nothing I can plan - It's all in HP's control. Today, I am where I am.

Might as well make the rest of the day as great as I can.

Hard night

I had a real hard night. I didn't sleep very well. I finally was so exhausted that I slept.

I'm not doing too well turning my health over to my HP.

I have to worry over things a bit before I will "give my precious to Frodo..."

And I'll still watch it from afar, just like Golum.

Cravings

I had a total craving last night and gave in to it.

Instead of my normal evening snack of fruit, I had to have some salt - Potato Chips filled the bill!

2 huge bowls of chips. Late.

Well, I've tossed the rest and I'm going out today to walk to undo some of the damage. I think it was partly a celebration of losing 7 pounds and partly because of the fear of my health issues.

I stick my head in the sand when it comes to my health. I've had to for so many years, due to the costs involved. If something doesn't straighten out in a certain time frame, it needs to be addressed. Otherwise, I just ignore it. After having back pain for 22 years, I deal with pain by ignoring it and working through it. Not the best strategy sometimes. Certainly not in this case, but again, I thought it was scar tissue. NOT!

Off to UT Gardens. Walk and click. Take pix for the new house and gardens....

Dr. Visit Results

Boy! I'm grateful!

This isn't in my head. She felt around my belly and the tender spots are still there. I'm so glad I went. The area over my liver is really tender. I don't have my gall bladder anymore, so it's something else.

She's very interested in the results of the battery of tests she's ordered. Allergy testing, too! That's to make sure I got them all when I did my screening. She ordered the Upper GI and the Colonoscopy. There are other tests too nasty to mention...

She wants me off some of the cholesterol meds for a little while. Just for now. Don't know if that's contributing to things.

It may be that the amount of rice I'm eating is what's holding me together. I'll try some roasted potatoes and see what happens.

I've lost 7 pounds! Not bad. It's a good start.

I ended up skipping another meal today. It was the morning snack. I forgot to grab it on the way out the door! Man oh Man!

Well, I got home, had lunch and then my afternoon snack. I'm all ready for supper and I have lots of fruit in the house for snacks.

I cooked some meat up and portioned it out. I have more meat (actually fish) defrosting for my morning meals tomorrow. I'll cook it tonight so that it's cold and goes well with the fruit for tomorrow.

I got to the market and picked up some cucumbers, more meat and veggies. Cucumbers are free foods, so I can eat those when I need to munch. I'm not hungry - it isn't that.

I have tea for sweet and cucumbers in vinegar for salt and crunch. The munchy foods I love. It's for watching TV and mindless eating.

Cherries are in. I can only have like 5-7 at a time, but I can have them... YUMM!

Sick Again!

Man, oh man! When will this ever end???

I don't know what it was, but I was so sick again last night. Corn? There was some in one of my vegetable combos. Was it the veggie-burger? That was an emergency move, but not planned.

I've made an appt. with the Dr. to have an upper & lower GI series run. I don't know if that will tell us anything, but I can't keep on like this.

I'm back on the horse.

The food plan is good. If I don't skip meals, I'm not hungry. The hard thing is that I have times when I'm away from home. I need to plan outside meals - taking with or whatever, better.

The other hard thing is that I really hate to cook! Who knew? I thought I liked it all these years. I just like to bake!

I've begun cooking large quantities and going to my meal portions daily. I can freeze cooked meats as well as raw. I just find it too difficult and time consuming to cook a day's worth of food at a time. If I had to cook each meal, I wouldn't even eat!

So, if I cook a couple of days at a time, the pans get washed and actually put away before I have to use them again. I have all I need, otherwise.

I'm just happier doing a nuked meal 5-6 times a day than making dirty pans, getting spit at by the stove, and standing in that nasty little kitchen, each time I have to eat.

Progress, not Perfection

Well, it's been 6 days on the program, and I think I finally got a system going!

I have to cook early in the day for the entire day and part of the next day. I do all my meats at one time. I do my carbs (rice or potatoes) in the afternoon/evening.

I do my fruit portions in the morning while I'm cooking the meats.

I then portion everything out into meals with the appropriate amounts of meat by weight and the measured amounts of carb or fruit. The only stand-out still is the veggies that are added to 2 of the meals. I can have up to 4 times the carbs by measure. I just grab a packet of meat/carb and toss in some veggies. Great if you got 'em! It looks like I need to go to the store or use my canned goods for a few days.

I logged on to the website for support, and set up my profile. No eating out, and no, I'm not having a problem with hunger. I did at first, because I wasn't eating enough. I was only eating 1 ounce of meat, so I was really hungry.

I went out and purchased a great portion control scale! 32 ounce capacity, marked by 1/4 ounce. A broad, flat plate for a measuring surface. I love it!

The worst part is getting meals mixed up. I need to set the fridge up so I have morning, mid-day and evening meals all in stacks. I did my evening snack instead of my evening big meal tonight. OOPS! Well, I added the protein and then did a carb instead of fruit for my late snack. It worked out, but the order wasn't right.

Maybe tomorrow....

I reviewed the budget today, too. I upped the food budget and cut back in another place. I'd noticed that I was over-budget for 2 of the last 3 months, so I needed to figure it out. Glad I did that, so I won't be upset with myself by going over budget.

With prices going up, and eating real food instead of short-cut foods, it costs a bit more. I won't be eating out as much, though. Why spend nearly $15 for a meal out that I can't eat? So, maybe I'll drink tea or something to be sociable.

I still have to figure out free veggies for those occasional hunger pangs. Jicama, or something. I'm not hungry most of the time, at least.

Weight loss? Not really paying much attention yet. More interested in learning compliance to the program, first. Then, I'm sure it will come off.

Sponsorship - Part Deux

Sponsorship is a part of life.

We have folks to show us the ropes. They guide us as we change our behaviors and our thinking follows suit. In business, we call them mentors.

It's so easy to get bogged down in "what is right" or making decisions that have nothing to do with recovery.

It's so easy to stay in the drama and sickness.

It's so easy to get lost in the business of life instead of living it.

It's so easy to put other things as priority and lose sight of our recovery.

A strong sponsor, one who knows our stuff and has been through their own, is a great guide. Their perspective helps to keep us on track. They can point out our mis-steps.

We have to be open to it. We have to know that our Sponsor has nothing to gain by being with us except their own recovery. You see, by being a sponsor, the sponsor gets to focus on recovery as it applies to another - often highlighting little areas in themselves that they hadn't noticed before. It's truly amazing what happens as a sponsor! I love the journey.

My sponsors - all of them, have their purpose in my life. I have one main lady, a second person who mastered a part of her life that I had to address and now a food sponsor who is addressing what she went through successfully - with me as her new sponsee.

The many 12-step programs are amazing! There is always someone in the program who has been through what you are going through. That person can lead you or guide you through it, so that you don't fall over or mis-step. They can re-assure you that you can (and will) come out the other side in one piece, better and stronger than you were going in to it.

I strongly suggest it for anyone. In program or out, Sponsors are good friends and real people to have in your life to make your life better. Open yourself to the trust. Open yourself to the unknown. Open yourself to the intimacy. Allow it. Encourage it. Embrace it. Grow!

Sponsorship

I saw my general 12-step sponsor yesterday. She is so great!

We talked for about an hour, on all kinds of stuff that is making my head spin, so that maybe it will stop spinning.

She showed me her garden, and we shared family news.

In the absence of my food-sponsor's responses, we talked about the issues and insights I've had so far in that part of my recovery.

See, recovery is a way of life, not just putting a plug in the jug, or tossing the pills and pot. It's not just abstaining from the behaviors that show our sickness - they are the symptoms of the deeper disturbance in our thinking.

Keeping close with a sponsor is so important. I see mine at least once a week in a meeting, and I try to call at least once a week. I'm not big on phones, and she hasn't trusted me with her e-mail address - probably not sure of my spam settings. I rarely forward mail, but there is that occasional fun bit that comes that I'll send on.

Anyway, so we actually talk - on the phone or face to face.
My food sponsor is likely busy with grandkids or work, so I know she'll get back to me when she can. Meanwhile, I just follow the food plan and write stuff down.

If my sponsor hadn't been there when I hit a bottom at 12 years of recovery, I don't know what would have happened. I was a complete and total mess. She guides me in choices when I ask before I leap. I think I'll ask her if she would visit me in this location or that location when I go searching for home lots.

I have a dream for my new home, and she's part of it. Might as well include her from the start...

Step 2 & 3 - Review

I've been thinking about Step 2 again...

"Came to Believe that a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity."

The part that I have the most difficulty with is believing that the power greater than myself could restore my sanity. I often feel that my sanity cannot be restored.

So the "came to beleive" part becomes important. I have no difficulty in believing in a higher power. That was never my difficulty. I had to stop playing God and learn my relationship to the universe: learn my place, if you will.

So it is not that I don't have faith in a higher power, but that that higher power has control over whatever it is that is making me crazy at the moment.

I have to allow the higher power to step in. That is hard for me.

It took me forever to give my HP the money issues I had. And once I did turn that over (Step 3) I was able to save and pay down my debt.

I don't know if I'll ever get there with relationships.

For now, I'm working on food and my weight. I have to allow God to direct me to smart food choices and listen to the nudges in my conscience regarding exercise.

The more I study the Bible and learn about the God of my understanding, the more I am amazed at how fickle human faith really is. We, as a species, continually try to manipulate the lives of others and our environment; instead of allowing God to step in and give us a miracle - Allowing God to deliver on his promises. We don't have that faith. It's a sad state of affairs.

I'm no better than the examples in the Bible - but I try to get out of the way and allow God to work.