FEAR is overblown reactions to what is happening....

Yeah, there are acronyms for everything...

False Evidence Appearing Real
Fuck Everything And Run
Face Everything And Recover....


Well, this fear is an oldie...

I am terrified of the good stuff.
I'm afraid the rug will be pulled out from under me.
I wait for the other shoe to drop.

I've had so many dashed dreams, that actually achieving or receiving a good thing is almost impossible for me to believe.

This happened when my current job came to me, too. I couldn't trust that it was real. The contract was sent, the job offered, the contract signed, the training schedule in place - but I couldn't let go of the little job I had. The lifestyle is perfect, the money is great, and the work is fun. This can't be real! Right? But it is real. I still love my job, almost 19 months later.

Well, I have the same thing going on right now with my house. I'm afraid it will fall through, and I'm having trouble packing. Believe me, I want OUT of where I'm living like nobody's business.

I'm over the allergies, mess, filth, broken parts, no ventilation, peeling paint, and rolling floors. I'm over a landlady who wants me to fix her crap all the time. I'm over air conditioning that barely works and causes mold in the process. I'm over electrical issues, smelling drugs and cigarettes from the other apartments, the careless tenants, the noise, the gunshots down the street....

Yeah, I need to move.

But I'm so afraid of my new place - it's too good. It's too perfect. I have to sabotage it somehow. I have to screw up so that it will go away and I'm stuck here forever in this hell-hole of an apartment.

I KNOW my fear is irrational! That doesn't make it any less real. It's still a fear.

I can only pray, face the fear and recover through it. The more I share about it, the less power it has over me.

Storybrook Farm

Check out this gorgeous place!

http://www.tricitiesdreamweddings.com/storybrook.htm

My cousins have made it! They created this place from a piece of land. How cool is that! It's so wonderful....

If you are planning a wedding or renewing vows, think of them...

Microloans to Women

I just signed up for this program, Kiva.org, where you give microloans to women (or men) to stimulate the economy in that country.

I read an article on the NY Times called "The Women's Crusade" and it was amazing! It talked about all the stuff I've researched for years, and it seemed like nobody was paying attention. These folks were (Nicholas D. Kristof & Sheryl WuDunn).

Printed, the article runs 10 pages. In it, are links to other articles. An article dated August 23, 2009 (today is the 21st) is called Do-It-Yourself Foreign Aid. It lists several there, and gives a link to a full list of microloan resources.

I strongly suggest that if you have $25 to invest, you do so. Even a small $10 donation can help women somewhere in the world.

Do it! You will like yourself for it. Women are the foundation of the world. Without women, there would be no civilization.

I'm so grateful I can help somebody else!

Gratitude....

You know, the last 2 blog entries have been gripes...

I'm so grateful I can gripe about something! I should be dead - really dead. I drove drunk, sometimes in a black out. I tried to kill myself one drink at a time for 25 years.

Buying cherries is a luxury. Cable is a luxury. To be able to move into a house of my own - that's just incredible! I don't "deserve" it. If I got what I deserved, I'd be dead - again with that....

Luxury problems. I didn't have luxury for a long time. I'm grateful for my luxury problems....

Cherries

This is about edible cherries. I bought some last night at K******* grocery store. It isn't really their fault, but at the price of cherries, I'm pissed.

I had to throw out 1/4 of the bag today. They were molding, bruised, damaged and soft.

It just isn't right.

It's like the cable company lying to me. I don't feel good working with a company that lies to me. I'm a small business myself. Maybe I'm a SOHO, but I pay for everything and I pay on time. I don't like being lied to.

I don't like having to toss out 1/4 of an expensive fruit, either. It's like the store lied to me about the quality.

I think it's just that I live where I do - but still - couldn't the store cull the bad fruit instead of selling it????

Packing!

I hate packing and moving more than dishes! And I hate doing the dishes! I hate all housework. It's dumb, futile, and useless busywork that needs to be done even when you don't want to do it.

But packing! That is something you volunteer to do. You do it because you want to MOVE someplace else. Yeah - my house, I know...

I moved so much as a kid that I really hate it. I lost so much stuff over the years that I would just as soon take the important things - photos, momentos, the cats, clothes and bathroom gear, and leave the rest.

I can't do that, of course.

I have to actually pack the books, the dishes, the knick-knacks, and CDs. I have to pack the clothes, the bathroom stuff, the pictures on the walls, the office supplies, the computers, all the JUNK that I accumulate to be able to live comfortably in one place.

I have 3 computers, 4 printers, an extra monitor and keyboard. I think I gave away the corded mouse, and all kinds of other junk for the computers. I have a whole box of just computer parts and pieces. That's not including all the ink cartridges (new, as the used ones will be recycled or tossed - NOT packed!).

I used to live like a snail, in a trailer that I connected to my truck when I wanted to move. That was so much more reasonable. Maybe not socially acceptable, but reasonable. I never had to worry about packing. When I finally sold that trailer and bought a bigger one, it took 3 van loads to move the stuff over. I had no idea I had so much stuff!

I won't even go into the expense of moving, as that's a whole different world altogether. This rant is just about the act of packing and pruning. The pruning part is good.

I get to go through all the junk and decide what to keep and what to toss. I have a lot of paper around here that will get tossed or shredded. That's a good thing.

Paper is heavy. My sister and I learned that from when Mom passed. It's a big pain to deal with when somebody dies - all that paper junk. I don't know how other people deal with it, but we actually have to read it - look it over and decide what to do with it. At least we did for Mom.

I don't want my sis to have to deal with that much paper when I go. I need to clear this junk out. Not that I'm planning to die anytime soon, mind you, but it takes a good bit of planning to not leave a mountain of paper behind.

It must be all those downed trees getting even with us. The weight of the paper.

WooHoo! New Camera!

I bit the cost and got a new camera. It was on sale, and the "last one" for a while at Walgreens of all places. It's a Polaroid, digital i733. It's pretty cool.

It does all the stuff my old digital did, has about a gazillion options, and the zoom is shorter and longer - it can shoot a closer item, and farther zooms...

It will even process a photo as black and white! How cool is that!

So, more photos for the Facebook page soon... Maybe even some here!