Boundaries

I was asked about 10 days ago, for my phone number so a gal could get to night meetings. Well, she has a sponsor and all (not me) but could only get to day meetings. It got to where I she called me the night before, when I was busy, then EARLY the next morning, and when I finally called back, she never called back.

So, she didn't get to the meeting, but I did.

Call a few hours before the meeting. Don't call me first thing in the morning before I've had my coffee. Call about 11am. If I'm out, leave a message. Don't call back 15 minutes later, expecting me to pick up the phone. If I can't commit, then I probably have something else on my mind or I'm preoccupied (like WORKING).

So, I was willing to take her last night, but she never called me back. And she needed to bring paper and pen to write down other women's phone numbers. I'm not her sponsor. It is not my responsibility to get her to meetings all the time. If I'm the only person she's calling, then she is not building up her network.

But that's the halfway house policy. Call and call and call. Make the person outside as miserable as possible and drive people away from helping the girls there. Hell, they even fired me (not the girl mind you, but the house) from sponsoring a gal because I had her reading to me from the Big Book.

Once a week, I'd go and she would read to me for an hour or so. But the house had other plans for her most of the time... Graduations, shopping trips, whatever...

So she only got to see me about 3 times, then "counselor" decided I was being too hard on the girl. She couldn't read. Not even at a 4th grade level! So, I was teaching her to read while she read from the Big Book. But I was too hard on her...

I haven't sponsored anyone at that establishment since. I won't. My sponsor said I should give a little. Hell I will! I'm over 20 years sober and I never had a stint in one of these places, treatment, or anything. I'm not going to follow their rules. I don't have to.

There are plenty of girls available and needing sponsorship outside of treatment centers and halfway houses. I can't identify with their experiences. I came in off the streets and got sober, so I'm not on the same path.

And once their treatment center or halfway house sponsor is outgrown, I'm there to take them through the steps, show them how to live independently, and interdependently. I can share with them a whole range of experiences that don't include the halfway houses or treatment centers, and living through it sober.

It's the same thing as trying to sponsor women in relationships. I can't help with relationships. I can help you get out, stay out, and live free of them, but I can't help you about your relationship. It's not something I am good at, so that's something I can't share. But if a woman wants to learn how to live as a strong, single woman, I'm there and can show her.

So, the boundaries are:

1) Don't call early.
2) Don't call late.
3) Return phone calls, and ALWAYS leave your number in your message.
4) Don't expect me to be your one and only ride.
5) I don't sponsor in the halfway houses or treatment centers.
6) I don't sponsor about relationships.
7) If I do agree to sponsor someone, she has to work the steps or she has to move on. We can be friends after she does the work.

Not a long list, but an important one. And one I follow.

Posting Every Day...

I have a wonderful friend who made a commitment to post every day. I'm not that ambitious.

I got to hear part of a 5th step last night. More to follow. I don't get to hear many of them. I never get past Step 3 with most ladies. Not me so much as just the circumstances. The halfway-houses don't care for my step-centered approach, and my desire to actually "work" with my ladies.

When there is only one night a week that they aren't running around or in a house meeting, you can only do one or 2 ladies at a time. And if the management decides that a lady isn't doing what she should, they can keep her from you. It's too much like jail for me. I don't sponsor ladies in jail, either. I'll write to them, but I won't sponsor them.

I've always been available, but I guess it just takes a person of a certain type to want me for a sponsor. And then, you have to be willing to do the steps, too! I'm kind of no-nonsense about that. It's life-or-death. I learned from some great ladies, and I want to pass on what they gave me.

You can't really sponsor without the steps. I've tried.

Here I started out talking about a commitment to posting every day, and it turned into a philosophy of sponsoring...

Such is my brain with a cat yeowling at me....