Saying "Yes"

OK. I've been thinking about this for a LONG time, and the Universe got behind me and provided the coach I needed. I'm starting a training program for Triathlons. Not that I intend to compete, but I want to change my body and my outlook. I've always stopped myself before.

A friend turned out to have been in the same health position I find myself in -without the injuries, which is nice for her - and she turned it around about 9 months ago. Yep, A1c of 7.0+, fasting sugars in the 300s (both my numbers are lower) and weight creeping up. She and I both have sympathetic doctors and have not been "diagnosed" as diabetic. So that's a blessing of a sort...

She began training and lost the weight. She dropped her sugars and A1c to "normal" ranges. She's agreed to coach me into health using the Triathlon training model. 

There's a training model "Couch to -" which takes the subject from a couch potato to competing in some sport - whether it's a 5K or a Triathlon, or even Olympic sports... We are using the "Couch to Triathlon" model found at the Couch to Sprint Triathlon website. It's a simple, accelerated program. 

Since the "competition season" just ended, I'll have nearly a year to get into shape for my first competition - IF I choose to do so. 

I'll post updates as I progress. First is to get into the rhythm of doing it.

My first exercise is going to the pool and swimming 100 meters. I got signed up today. I don't have a suit that fits, but I have a form-fitting tank with a sportsbra and cotton swimming shorts. That will have to do.

A friend has offered me her bike, so I can ride the Tweetsie Trail as part of my biking requirement. I also have a stationary bike in the apartment building I can use.  

As for the Running - well... Doctor England, my knee doctor, doesn't want me on a treadmill. I don't intend to run on this knee, either. So, I'll "speed walk" as best I can to get my hips moving. That will be on the concrete sidewalks around here and the Tweetsie Trail. 

I've mentioned the Tweetsie Trail. This is one of the "rails to trails" projects found in the southeast, and is a pleasant little trail between Johnson City and Elizabethton, TN. It's gravel, packed dirt and concrete. I think there might even be some asphalt patches. It's been popular since it was completed. I live near the Appalachian Trail, so it may become possible that through this training I can hike some of it later on.  

Well, that's the news. Hope I don't disappoint myself by my results. I also hope I can keep up the training and don't flake on myself. I have a LOT of fear about this. Most of the fear has to do with body-image stuff. I get emotional and eat to keep myself heavy so that I don't feel "sexy" and attract men. That is why most of the "diet programs" I've tried haven't worked. There is a lot of emotional baggage that I carry which needs to be worked through. 

Having my coach will help. I have someone I'm accountable to. I have another woman I can talk to about the emotional issues. And truly, both these women can help me with the emotional baggage. I trust them. I also need to trust myself. At times, there WILL be tears. It's OK to cry and go through the pain. It's always better having been through it, when I come out the other side. The issues I'm dealing with are the biggest issues of my life. These are the things that have held me back over and over again. 

How does all this tie back to my book? Well, it's all about Type 2 Diabetes. A body that is overweight has a much higher chance of becoming diabetic. I'm severely at risk. The best example I can provide my readers is a successful outcome. 

Emotions...

Out of control, that's what I was...

I went to the funeral yesterday and got triggered. It's me, not them. Something inside me that I really need to look at deeply, got triggered. I'm not about to do the soul-searching here, but I'll do it.

Then, when I got home, the laptop had updated something and rebooted itself. Without my permission! It took 2 1/2 hours to get it running again! I was SO PISSED! I figured out how to stop it, but DAMN IT! I hate Windows! I lost I don't know how much data, important stuff that I needed to follow up on, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

I called Toshiba and reamed out a poor phone person, who truly was not at fault. It's not her fault that XP does this shit. Thank GOD for TechRepublic! They had the fix right there, on the website, where anyone could see it. I did it - I turned off all automatic EVERYTHING!

I'm getting notices from McAfee to update, but I don't care. I only use that computer for work. I don't surf. I don't play. I don't do crap! Strictly work. Password controlled, access controlled, can't even bring up a browser without a password on the damn thing. Can't even access the desktop without a password.

But I blew a royal gasket. During my tirade, two unfortunate men came to the door. One, a hapless insurance inspector for my home insurance, and the other, a kind gentleman delivering a wonderful rocking chair for my housewarming. I just couldn't deal with any of it.

Later, one of my neighbors came by. She's a sweetie, really she is...

I unloaded on her, but nicely. I didn't yell at her or anything, but I did finally recount everything that had happened so that she would understand my craziness at the moment.

The part of me that got triggered has to do with relationships (no big surprise there!) and being single, unable to connect and stay connected. It's a real sore point for me. I want the love of my life - the marriage that lasts forever, and the relationship that seems karmic. I had it. We divorced in 1991. It still hurts. And I'm alone.

No wonder I repel men!

I Want(and want and want and want and...)

"My eyes are bigger than my stomach." "Always wanting more"

That's me!

I always want more. More money, more space, more stuff, more clothes, more mail, more flowers, more friendship, more solitude, more (fill-in-the-blank).

I woke up this morning feeling pretty good. No pain or rush to be anywhere.

I baked a cake yesterday, and put it together (this was my first cake in over 10 years!) but it turned messy because of the marshmallow cream in the middle. So, it's in the fridge, and it's very tasty. It isn't as pretty as I expected. I learned: marshmallow cream needs a "well" to be used in the middle of a cake, and pipe it in.

It was "supposed to be" devils food cake, marshmallow cream and cherry pie filling in the middle, and chocolate fudge frosting with shaved bitter chocolate sprinkled on top.

It never got the bitter chocolate on top. No worries - it's still delicious!

Another aspect of my life...

My girlfriend's husband passed. She'd spent 13 weeks caring for him while he was in and out of the hospital, rehab centers and nursing homes. Because she was there, he lasted 13 weeks. The horror stories she told me of his treatment, nearly daily, were incredible!

He's out of pain and in a better place, and she's shattered, picking up the pieces. The visitation is tonight and funeral tomorrow. I'm booked for this evening and can't be there for her tonight, but I'll be at the funeral. From now on, I'll be at her elbow in meetings, in social settings and so on.

She chose me, and I'm very grateful! I love her - she's so much like me! She would be the girlfriend I had in Jr High if we'd grown up in the same places. I've been so lonely, and to finally find "that girlfriend to hang with" after 7 years, is really cool. I'm sorry she's had to go through this, this pain and loss.

Apparently she inherits a bit of property, so she wants some shielding and to hang with women right now. Smart decision, really. From what she's told me, the sharks are already circling. If there's one thing I do know how to do, it's repel men...

The Way I Was...

I've been fortunate to connect with a person I knew many years ago. I didn't know him very well, and I'm trying to be more of a friend now. However, remembering the way I was is disturbing.

I was not a nice person. I was in such a self-involved haze! Not so much drug-induced, as just checking out of life by thought processes. I wanted out of what was going on so bad, that I hardly saw what was going on around me. If someone didn't serve my immediate need - what was in front of me at the moment - I pretty much ignored them. Not the nicest way to go about things.

And of course, telling the intervening 30 years of history has been interesting, too. How to condense the history of a life into short sound bites. "I got hurt and lived in pain for 22 years" doesn't begin to tell the story of the hell it was. The financial, emotional and physical hell. Not being able to hold a job because of physical discomfort; not having health insurance to deal with the injury or seek treatment because I couldn't hold a job; not having funds to live on because I was always between jobs. The way I used people because of the pain, lack of money and no health care. The way I used drugs, booze and fantasy, to handle the pain. And the feeling of low self-worth because I was useless, in pain, and broke all the time.

All because "I bent over one day and couldn't stand up again." No car wreck to sue an insurance company or driver, no job-related injury. Just a simple movement we do everyday. I bent over and couldn't stand up again.

Even now, the thought of it makes me cry. 22 years of lost income, lost opportunity, and self-involvement.