Triggered and Being Told What to Do

I decided to write about being triggered and then being told what to do. It's a bad combination.

First, being triggered. My neighbor, without meaning to, has been playing his stereo so loud that my wall is bouncing. Not only that, but the bass is making my skin jump. I caught my back tensing up during the tunes and releasing during the breaks today. It was so loud that I could hear the treble lines. I could almost hear the lyrics. It was loud, and it started early. About 10:15 this morning. I called the office after about 35 minutes. I called again, almost hysterical, about 30 minutes later. Maybe 45. In the meantime, I got a call from Kathy asking me when I wanted to come over. Michael was kind enough to agree to an interview so I can get down verbatim what he says about diabetics for my new book.

So, I finally called her back after the second call to the office and said I wasn't coming over because I was too triggered. She called back wanting to tell me what to do. She says "just leave" and that's not only not an option, it's a "hell no" not an option. I won't be chased out of my apartment by an asshole. Whether he is or not. I wasn't in the mood to argue. I finally said I don't want to talk about it. I was truly ready to go to the hospital, I was so triggered.

So, what does it feel like? It feels really, really bad. I had physical reactions this time, to the sounds. I didn't have the TV on, and was on the internet. I had to get off as I started to shake. Being triggered is like being electrified. It doesn't feel good, and I have all this energy just rumbling around my body. It's like I'm jumping out of my skin. But I can't leave, so I'm stuck. I lose all ability to concentrate. I can't think, can't feel, can't move. I am paralyzed. I can't make decisions. I'm frozen. And I'm shaking like a leaf.

I can't confront him. No way in hell! He is OK, I'm sure. But I can't confront him. He lives in his wheelchair. I hardly speak to him.

Then, to be told what to do. Kathy has this thing where she tells people what to do. At least she does me. It's even worse than when Sarah does it. Kathy has NO CLUE what it's like to be in my shoes. At least Sarah has walked in them. Or at least some of this path. Kathy has been coddled, cared for, educated, working for most of her life. She's terrified of being broke. She has a lot of trouble with loss. Well, guess what! I have enough of all of that to make her very uncomfortable, so she tries to tell me what to do.

Yesterday, I told her I had spaghetti for lunch. It was leftovers, and i was hungry. Ok, so that's not the greatest lunch in the world, but she's on this no-gluten or wheat kick, which is a rich-man's issue. I eat what the food bank gives me. I eat what I can afford. I have to leave corn alone. I accepted a gallon of milk, but I only needed the bottle it came in, not the milk.

Being judged because I'm poor is bad enough. Yesterday, I was reminded of WHY I'm in this financial hole all the time. At the Doctor's office, we went through the history of my back, because he wanted to know why I had both rods and a laminectomy. He wants to do an MRI on my knees and I'm afraid of it.   I'm afraid of MRI because of the rods and screws in my back. So, he's getting what records he can from Barton Hospital. Make sure they are OK to MRI.

That got me thinking about not being able to hold a job for 21 years between injury and surgery. Not being able to do what I want to do, no school, using drugs and alcohol to control the pain - physical and emotional - because I can't hold my own, can't produce like others of my age and race, education, background. Being afraid of moving forward. Being afraid of relationships, martial arts, pain. Being afraid of life.

And then the surgery in 1999. And not being given any direction about physical therapy. Like they just dropped me. So, I've never really recovered. I still don't know what I can or cannot do. I now have all these injuries on top of that because I keep hurting myself because I don't know my limits. I don't know what I can or cannot do. I don't know how to move correctly. My gait is messed up. I walk funny and that causes more damage to my legs and hips. My ankle is finally working and my legs are about gone.

So, yes, I get angry and sad and upset when I get triggered and then get told what to do by someone who has no fucking idea what it's like to be me and walk my path.




Anyway, I got really hungry after that and went into the kitchen to cook something. He turned on his stereo for another record or something. It was REALLY loud again. This time, I banged on the wall. Twice. He finally turned it down. I don't want to be a problem neighbor, but I need peace. He can maybe move his stereo or something. The noise on the wall is too much for me.

Survived the "Apocalypse"

Well, another apocalypse passed and I'm still here. I wonder about all the hype that comes around these things.

Life is crazy and chaotic enough without all the hoopla and created drama.

I hope your holidays were good ones. I got to cook and then eat a feast. I spent the day with my cats, quiet and contained. The phone rang a few times, and I was calm and serene. A good holiday for a single lady, I guess.

I had the choice to get involved with people, traffic and company, and chose to spend the day in solitude. I read my book, watched some TV, and rested. It was a good day.

Thanksgiving is Here...

We've made plans to go to friends tonight for Thanksgiving. Yes, a day early. They had something to do, and we have plans for the 4-day holiday. It made sense.

I'm doing a "stone soup" kind of thing - we're bringing the food, cooking at their house and eating with them, then coming home again. My friends are contributing dessert and sides. We are doing the main course and bread.

I need to get the place winterized. Put hoses away, clear up planting debris, and move the grape plants. I also want to vacuum and clean floors this weekend. My roomie will do one more pass on the lawn, and continue sorting for his cross-country move.

I had an interview with a potential roomie for January, but he spent nearly all of 2 hours talking about his woman troubles. I don't think that would be a good match. I didn't hear one word about God or spirit. He has other options, of course, so I will pray that one comes through for him.

Don't eat too much, my friends. It only hurts you, and you may think it's OK, but your body pays a price....

I love to Bake!

I SO want to get to Thanksgiving and get the feast cooking! I love baking. I love roasting, cooking, baking, mixing, and everything about cooking! I just don't like to eat. Sounds funny for someone my size, but it's true. I don't like food.

I guess it's the chemistry of food that fascinates me. Canning and freezing are as much a part of my repertoire in the kitchen as a loaf of bread or a batch of cookies. I love to cook!

I made a cole slaw. I used a cooked salad dressing from scratch for it, and had to go get cream to thin it down. Man! It took 12 oz of cream! And it's still really thick. I kinda tastes like Miracle Whip, but I know there are no preservatives in it at all. It's perfect for a cole slaw.

I'll bake the Yams tonight, so they don't take up valuable oven space tomorrow. They can be re-heated in the microwave. I need to make the Cherry pie still, but the 2 pumpkins are done. Am I obsessing? Probably. But I'm having a ball!

If I'm eating turkey feast in February, so be it!

Been wanting to write, but can't seem to get there

I even had the screen up for about 3 hours while I ran around the other day. I just didn't have the time/energy/desire to actually sit down and write.

I talked with my friend who's husband passed. I shared, but not all of it. She isn't the problem, and doesn't need to bear all of this right now.

She suggested OA on Saturday, which is a really good idea for me. I need to get my diet back on track. I know what works, but I just can't seem to stick with it for an entire day. I get off kilter and eat whatever I see. I have all the right stuff in the house...

My housewarming went well. It was less well-attended than I'd hoped, but not bad. I had a chair or two available, and it was a nice visit with friends. That was the main thing, anyway. I really wanted friends to come visit.

In the apartment, nobody came over after the first time. The place was so bad - cramped, it felt like the place was closing in on you. It didn't smell, but the cat hair was pretty bad - I'd given up trying to keep it under control - I couldn't turn around or reach anything without moving something else.

I love the space here. I don't want any more furniture. I just want what I have to be organized. Yes, I need bookshelves. I need a baking station in the kitchen. So, yeah, I guess I still need some stuff, but it can't be that stuff comes in and nothing goes out. I have to "REPLACE" things - short book cases with tall ones - not just integrate tall ones and keep the short ones too. Although, more shelving is always a good idea for me...

I got my 4-drawer file cabinet, and I haven't even begun putting stuff in it. I guess I can start that project. The sewing room is still a mess, and until it's organized, I can't sew. I guess some shelving for there is a good idea, too. (sigh)

Maybe I'll just have to keep adding bookshelves and storage until it's all put away and looks clean.

Recharged - Sort of NOT!

I've done a lot of resting, and even forgot to eat most of yesterday. I keep falling asleep at the oddest times!

I packed another 6 boxes last night, after I took my bedtime meds. I ate a couple pieces of chicken when I realized I hadn't eaten all day and now was attempting to do some physical work. Amazing how I can forget to eat and still be this heavy...

Anyway, the pain in my side I've decided must be a hernia or something. The Colonoscopy didn't find anything wrong on the inside, so I'll just have to learn to live with it. I leaned in the car a couple of days ago, and it's been hurting ever since.

I cleared up the stuff in my desks last night. I organized and cleared clutter. I'm at the point of packing the most urgent items - the current bills, stamps, and so on. Most of the office supplies are packed, and all the disks and CDs.

I packed a bit more on the bookshelves - stuff I hadn't figured out how to pack before. I still don't know that it's going the right way, but the stuff is in boxes, and that's the most important thing.

I'm not sure how I want to handle the food - the flours, teas and stuff on the top shelf. It needs to be packed, but I don't want to give the mice or roaches something to eat, so maybe a plastic bin or 2? I'll have to get more of them. Maybe I should toss the flours? I haven't been able to bake for over a year. That means that all the flours, except the soy flour that I store in the fridge, is pretty old and maybe already feeding little critters.

I also need to get the attic cleared out and get rid of some items that I no longer want/need. A thrift store trip is in my future. Man! I'm so tired and the car is so messy already.

Oh yeah! That's another thing. The left headlight had to be replaced last month, now the right one is out. That's something for today that I can't put off. I put new belts, new front tires, fixed the trunk lock and the left headlight. The car still needs an oil change and front brake pads. My funds are limited right now, though, so maybe later this month?

When I get back from my "stuff" today, I'm napping! I'll get the headlight fixed, go to a meeting, and then come home - clear out the inbox, and naptime! My favorite time of day!

***

One nice thing - the fleas have given up the ghost! I'll have to spray again mid-week next week, but for the most part, they've gone. The cats have stopped scratching, and the fleas have stopped hopping onto me. It was a bad 24 hours when the cats first got their drops!

Global Warming or Class War?

I wonder how much of global warming can be ascribed to the lower classes. After all, emissions from older vehicles, the ones they can afford, are higher. The only thing these folks can do to lower their carbon footprint is recycle. How many recycling bins are in the older, cheaply built apartments on the lower east side?

Yeah, that's right. Blame the faceless working class for all the troubles of the world today! Yeah, do it!

: = : = : = : = : = : =

OK, Stop getting all in a lather. That was sarcasm, after all!

But it does seem to me that we are expecting an awful lot of folks whose main concerns are how to put food on the table and a roof over their heads. If you have those basic needs unmet, global warming seems like it isn't so important. "Yeah, it's hotter this year," or "yeah, it's colder this winter" - so what!

I need heat in winter to keep alive. I'm gonna use the most inexpensive heat source I can find. Well, maybe not always the cheapest - but certainly something I can afford - not some designer fuel that costs 3 times as much.

And I need water to keep alive during the hot months and to water my livestock and irrigate my fields. If the water isn't there, we may starve - my whole family! Maybe my whole tribe!

Sometimes I think that the only way to help this planet is to clear it off and start over. The inequalities are glaring. We expect much of those who have little and little of those who have much. It doesn't make sense.