New Month, New Possibilities...

Well, it's now September. Another month that the world has not crashed around my ears, even though my nerves are shot, and the stress is near killer-level.

Faith, that's all it is. Faith. Not mine, I'll tell you...

I think it's God's faith in me that has kept things going...

I have another interview today. It's for a part-time job. Enough $$ to keep things going, and enough time off to attend to the entrepreneurial pots my fingers are in...

Someday, before I'm old and gray, I'd like to have enough coming in that I didn't have to worry about the bills. I will be able to pay them as they come in the mail. I won't have loans, or indebtedness beyond the month's income. I'll even have savings.

Well, the only way to make that happen is to make it happen now - with what I have. Live below my means, as they say.

It's Amazing!

It's now been a little over 6 months since I had regular work. No steady income to speak of - certainly not enough to pay the bills! I was thinking about school. It's just too expensive to pursue. And I was thinking about SSDI (Social Security Disability Insurance), which I may still pursue. My voice keeps going out, and my joints hurt regardless of sitting or standing. And yes, some depression has creeped in, too.

My current status:
My car now needs $200 worth of work on the front end - Right Away!..
The car payments start up again this month, after re-financing the loan...
I need to make a trip to Virginia and see my family. My uncle is elderly, and I need to see him...
I have a roommate, helping with the house payment...
I have Food Stamps, so we have plenty of food...
Food Stamps wants me to apply for work (which I've been doing all along) so I now see how much effort I really put into it...
Small jobs keep coming to me, at just the right time...

Seeing how many jobs I apply for has been an eye opener. I apply to many more than that, since I also have the agencies looking for me. There are some jobs I don't write down, because of whatever reason: for Food Stamps, you have to get a name, phone number and address, and pretty much a lot of stuff that online applications don't give you. I have the option of applying online, as long as I can show the "successful application" page and print it. And those kiosks in stores? You don't have the option to print from those... So, I keep applying. I've done the required number already, and I'm not stopping.

Yep! Small jobs have been saving the day! A cat sitting weekend here, a website research project there; a Presentation update here, some office organization there; a care-taking overnight here, well you get the idea...

There isn't enough coming in to pay back the loans my family and friends gave me a couple of months ago. Only a job, or enough of the small jobs, will pull me out of this. But somehow, I've managed.

I know that God is running the show. If I ever had doubts before, I don't now. Prayer works! In the midst of all this, I've even been able to make a small donation to my church. A very small donation, to be sure, but at least I could send them something! I figured my friends and family would forgive that small delay...

The work on the car is covered by a job that I'm in the midst of right now. There may be enough to pay off the smallest of my medical bills and put some on another - and still leave me enough to drive to my family's place.

I've wanted to have the ladies over one evening since I moved into the house, so I set aside Sept 4th for that purpose. I've planned the menu, and I'll have to get some items for the Antipasto Salad, but I have everything else in the house for the planned menu. I've invited 20 women, expecting about 1/2 - 3/4 to show. There is seating for about 16. I'll pull out the Yahtzee! and some cards. So, even broke, on Food Stamps, and in restricted circumstances, we can have a nice evening.

That will take care of next weekend, pretty effectively, and keep me from driving to Virginia on a holiday weekend. So, I won't be leaving anytime soon to go visit my family. At least a 2-week delay, I figure. I'll have to get the funds from this job, take the car in, and then see where I am. I have to have the money for the car loan put aside before I go, too. At least a good portion of it. If the small Presentation jobs I've line up work out, then perhaps the following weekend?

Well, don't stop praying...

Finally got a Roommate!

Yea! He's the one I was hoping for. He will only be here for a couple of months (unless his plans change) so the room will be available again before Christmas. But even so, that gives me breathing room. I can find out how this will work, and work on the blips.

Other news, I'm being recommended for a job that isn't even posted yet. That is a good thing. If the one I'm praying so hard for is not offered to me, maybe this one will pan out...

I picked up a pidgeon. I need that connection to the program.

Kitties are doing well, and God has been good to us so far. Keeping the faith, in any case.

Well, I feel OK.

God gifted me with a full-size bed, including the box spring and frame. It's not brand new, and smells a little of tobacco smoke, but Febreeze and SCOE-10x will get rid of that. I slept in the new bed for the first time last night. I'm not used to feeling the cats get up and down. The bed is MUCH taller than the old one, but overall very comfortable.

God is good, isn't s/he??? A new bed. How cool! I priced beds a couple of weeks ago - about $1200 for a full size bed, and no more than a 2 yr. guarantee. This new one is 1 1/2 yrs old, and is in pretty good shape.

I kept the memory foam pad, and that may be a little too much softness. However, I was able to sleep on my sides for the first time since I got home (my favorite position) and my back was much happier this morning. My right hip is still a bit sore, but not as bad as it was yesterday.

The foam mattress will get covered and go into the hide-a-bed in the living room, that needs a mattress. That was the plan from the beginning. The wood of the frame will make good shelving in the shed. It will discintigrate over the next couple of years anyway, if kept on edge; but I can use it out there with enough supports and flat. It should do well.

The tape is bugging me a lot! It's time to remove the bandages for good, I guess. I'll carefully do that before I shower this morning. The post-op instructions say to wash the incision gently with soap and warm water, so I guess I'll actually do that today. It's been getting wiped clean when the bandages are changed, but that's only after I've already showered, and they are wet.

I also plan to drive for the first time, today. I want to see if I can, and go to a meeting. I miss my meetings and my peeps...

It's been a week since surgery, so at 8 days - not doing too bad overall. Business seems like it will pick up a bit over the next week or so, and the Census training class begins on Monday.

It's amazing to me how things work out. God always meets me right where I need him. He's never early or late.

FEAR is overblown reactions to what is happening....

Yeah, there are acronyms for everything...

False Evidence Appearing Real
Fuck Everything And Run
Face Everything And Recover....


Well, this fear is an oldie...

I am terrified of the good stuff.
I'm afraid the rug will be pulled out from under me.
I wait for the other shoe to drop.

I've had so many dashed dreams, that actually achieving or receiving a good thing is almost impossible for me to believe.

This happened when my current job came to me, too. I couldn't trust that it was real. The contract was sent, the job offered, the contract signed, the training schedule in place - but I couldn't let go of the little job I had. The lifestyle is perfect, the money is great, and the work is fun. This can't be real! Right? But it is real. I still love my job, almost 19 months later.

Well, I have the same thing going on right now with my house. I'm afraid it will fall through, and I'm having trouble packing. Believe me, I want OUT of where I'm living like nobody's business.

I'm over the allergies, mess, filth, broken parts, no ventilation, peeling paint, and rolling floors. I'm over a landlady who wants me to fix her crap all the time. I'm over air conditioning that barely works and causes mold in the process. I'm over electrical issues, smelling drugs and cigarettes from the other apartments, the careless tenants, the noise, the gunshots down the street....

Yeah, I need to move.

But I'm so afraid of my new place - it's too good. It's too perfect. I have to sabotage it somehow. I have to screw up so that it will go away and I'm stuck here forever in this hell-hole of an apartment.

I KNOW my fear is irrational! That doesn't make it any less real. It's still a fear.

I can only pray, face the fear and recover through it. The more I share about it, the less power it has over me.

Someone's downfall

I stayed with a woman (call her K) - rented a room - for about 3 months several years ago. She kept saying things that hurt and verbally attacking me, so I pulled my typical passive/aggressive stuff and made myself need to move - which is what I wanted to do but didn't know how to verbalize at the time.

Well, K is getting her come-uppance right now. Not for what went on between us, but for years of behavior that have built up a history of deception, cheating, unethical practices and so on. It's hard not to gloat.

I ran into someone a few weeks ago who bought her house and we started talking. We didn't even know these ties when we met! God truly puts the right person in your life at the right time. She's validating my experience with K. My part is still my part, but I wasn't crazy - it truly was a crazy situation. My behavior was coping behavior, and because of this validation, I can be much easier on myself for my part in things.

I prayed this morning that K will have a soft place to fall. I know she needs to go through this, but I hope she doesn't completely come undone. I know that she's in the heart of the universe, that God has her in his hand, and so on...

It just shows that the laws of Karma are still in play. This is the stuff she sowed, she is now reaping the harvest. Truly, we gather ten times or more what we sow.

She's in deep doodoo- literally! Septic tanks included...

It's SO hard not to gloat!