Self-Assessments

I've been trying to describe myself and a project I'm working on, over the last couple of days. It's tough!

Describing myself to strangers, being honest and open, while protecting myself...

This is not as easy as it sounds. It's hard to be honest, open, and accurate, while protecting yourself! I don't want to give too much away, but I don't want to drive folks away, either.

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Describing my project, my hopes for it, and what I'm looking for....

This one, being as nebulous as it is, is really tough! I guess I'll have to define it for myself a bit better, give it some structure and a framework, so that it has a skeleton. I know the general topic, the direction I want it to go, and what I eventually want to do for it, but until it's got more substance, it's not going anywhere.

I found a new tool for that, so that's cool! Unfortunately, it's only for Windows, and I don't trust Windows for anything!

Thanksgiving Review...

Thanksgiving was quiet at my house. It was great being able to cook a feast, spread it out and graze/eat at my leisure. I left it out for about an hour, in case someone dropped in but didn't call first. I then put it away - and put out the desserts.

I enjoyed those at my leisure, too.

Finally, I put it all away, and began the tremendous clean-up! I'm down to the main baking pan from the turkey, then the gravy.

I've strained the boiled carcass, and begun my soup stock. I'll get some egg noodles and put them in the jars raw, with the soup as it is now, and seal the quarts. When the soup is re-heated, the noodles will be perfectly done.

My dressing was outside the bird, and I guess I didn't do something right, because it was very dry. I've adjusted 1/2 of it, and now that's cooling. The rest of the dressing (un-doctored) is in the freezer.

The yams were delightful!

The potatoes were a little tough. Can't figure that one. I steamed them in the nuker, then put them in the oven to brown. They turned tough, instead.

The gravy is fabulous! I have 1 1/2 quarts left, and I have a pint of turkey fat. That will flavor all kinds of things!

I also froze the second Pumpkin Pie. It will be good for Christmas.

I separated the meat into white and dark, and I have almost a full gallon baggie of each.

Well, that's my report.

I'm not concerned that I ate alone. I was christening my home, and making it a home instead of just a house. That was more important than anything I cooked or anyone who came over.

I did get a call from family later in the day, and a friend did stop by to share a cup of coffee after 6pm. It was a good day.

I love to Bake!

I SO want to get to Thanksgiving and get the feast cooking! I love baking. I love roasting, cooking, baking, mixing, and everything about cooking! I just don't like to eat. Sounds funny for someone my size, but it's true. I don't like food.

I guess it's the chemistry of food that fascinates me. Canning and freezing are as much a part of my repertoire in the kitchen as a loaf of bread or a batch of cookies. I love to cook!

I made a cole slaw. I used a cooked salad dressing from scratch for it, and had to go get cream to thin it down. Man! It took 12 oz of cream! And it's still really thick. I kinda tastes like Miracle Whip, but I know there are no preservatives in it at all. It's perfect for a cole slaw.

I'll bake the Yams tonight, so they don't take up valuable oven space tomorrow. They can be re-heated in the microwave. I need to make the Cherry pie still, but the 2 pumpkins are done. Am I obsessing? Probably. But I'm having a ball!

If I'm eating turkey feast in February, so be it!

Not Getting Religious....

A friend read my blog and begged me to not get all religious on her...

I'm not going there...

I'm using my faith journey as a guage to where I've been and where I'm going. A continuum line... It shows me growing.

We are all spiritual beings having a human experience, after all.

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On a different subject all together... THANKSGIVING FEASTS!

I'm cooking a big one, and only myself to feed. At least so far. I've opened it up for ladies who either have no place to go; or don't want to go there, but don't want to be alone. One rule: no intoxicants (or folks under their influence).

I'd like to also restrict to no kids, pets or partners. And I can only seat 10.

So far, no reservations, no confirmations. Who knows what will happen on the day...

I'm guessing I'll have a lot of leftovers.... YUM!

Cherry and Pumpkin Pie, Mashed white potatoes, Yams, Asparagus (I might even make a Hollandaise sauce for that), Turkey and Stuffing. The cats get the raw giblets, sorry. Gravy from scratch, too.

Oh yeah, none of this is from frozen except the asparagus. I'm even making the pie crusts!

My Stuffing recipe is with celery, pine nuts and dried cranberries.

Well, that's it for today...

Spiritual Growth in Three Years...

I was baptized in Christ about 3 1/2 years ago. I was reflecting on the changes to my life in that time. I've been thinking about giving you an update on my faith journey in a written form. It's become terribly simple...

Just seek God's will first, and try to do the next right thing.

And how to know the next right thing? God wants me to be sober, happy and at peace inside. He gives me the tools, and highlights the path for me, every step of the way. It's almost supernatural - the "right path" seems to be lighter (better lit), free of debris (clear, clean), my needs along the way are constantly met in the moment. It's an incredible journey of trust, that one. I have to just step forward, like the Tarot card the fool, and trust that the universe (God, Jesus) will be there to support my steps.

My former wiccan training is playing into this a lot. It is double-edged...

By giving me the tools to trust the universe (God, Jesus) and the resistance to evil (wicca, folks who want me to practice it), I grow in Jesus. Trust in the supernatural, looking to God first, and believing that He is looking out for me, are incredible tools to pull out whenever I'm confused or down-hearted.

I'm finding this the "cross I carry," also. I was So Good/So Strong in wicca, that it's a real draw for other people. They all want to be taught, but I resist. Not so much the folks I meet today, but those who knew me before, continually coming for assistance. They want guidance and help. I will give help, but I know that the source is from God, not wicca. I won't teach wicca.

I've also had difficulties with legalism. "If one does this, that is the result..."

My biggest cross here is Sunday worship vs. Saturday. God did not give a reprieve on "Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy" when he sent Jesus to us. The pagan Romans are the ones who changed us to Sunday. The Jews and some fundamental Christian sects keep Saturday. There has never been a satisfactory answer for me on this one. I have to work every other weekend, so taking it off for full observance is not an option.

The "churches" that keep Saturday as the Sabbath are all tied up in the law, with no Grace, which was the highest blessing of Jesus. That is missing the point for me. I don't mind keeping Saturday, but add Jesus' Grace to the mix. So, this one contunues to be murky.

I have a new freedom I've never experienced before. I feel free of the constant looking over my shoulder and waiting for the next calamity. If the last 3 years have taught me anything, it's that God does not want me to fail. He's tested me, tempered me and made me strong (all in my old life) and now only wants to give me rewards.

An old meditation came back to me -

"I am sister to Jesus, daughter to God. All the tools, gifts and strengths of that position, as a Princess of the Universe, are mine to command. I need only ask (pray) for guidance and set my needs before my Father (God) and they will be met. I will not be denied."

This truly works for me.

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PS - It helps to reflect on this every so often and compare my life today to the chaos I lived in before I was Baptized. Yes, that is a turning point for me. My sobriety date and my baptism date. Both are very important in my calendar....

Linked In...

Have you heard of something called Linked In? It's like a networking app on steroids. It's all about business and networking. Finding jobs, finding funding for projects, finding folks who can fill a need...

Not that I'm looking, because I'm definitely not. I love my job!


I got invited by a contact I made several years ago - hardly remember him really, and now - well, my whole company is on there!!! What a deal is that? I ask you...

Well, maybe I'll learn a little more about developing websites. Meanwhile, I'm just having fun...

Linked In...

I love my days off!

I get to stay up late and watch old movies, and then sleep the next day. I don't have to use the alarm clock unless I need to be someplace early in the day. I get to finally rest my weary bones and mind. Mostly my mind. My bones are fine...

My mind though...

I guage if I've had enough sleep by whether or not I wake up dreaming. If I'm dreaming, I've had enough sleep. If not, I need more sleep. I just feel better if I've been dreaming.

However, some dreams can be really strange! Not disturbing, or scary, just strange!

This morning, I dreamt that I served Thanksgiving to my friends, and the turkeys were frozen. And there was one for each of us! The funny part of this, is that I'd started with one turkey, and they multiplied in my kitchen.

In life, the turkey is comfortably defrosting in the fridge, and I'll put it in the oven around midnight or 1am on Thanksgiving morning.

I sure hope I get some takers for the Women's First Annual Thanksgiving Dinner....
I have a 20-pounder and me with five cats. We can't eat it all...

Better Today...

I'm doing better today. I plan on taking a break and resting. Maybe my nerves will calm down a bit.

I want to get my sewing room cleared a bit, so I can do some sewing and get creative. That always calms my nerves, too. All the boxes and commotion and mess in there are not conducive to creativity.

I find that when I get creative - crochet, knitting, sewing, painting, or beading; that my doldrums go away, and all's right with the world pretty soon. It's getting the creative juices flowing that's the issue.

If creativity is plugged up by stress, worry or disorganization, I can be very difficult to be around. It's like a spiral out of control, toward depression and unhappiness.

If I'm expressing creativity in one place, it spreads out to the rest of my life. I come up with interesting and novel ideas that actually work, when dealing with the little annoyances that pop up in life. I handle finances better. I approach the most mundane task as an opportunity to express art. I get more satisfied with work. It all just flows. I become very productive, too! It seems to build on itself and feed more creativity. Like begets like.

Weird and busy day!

Busy because I've been running since I got up. I only just checked my personal e-mail at 9pm. I usually get to that by 10am. But not today...

Weird, because it was such a mix of stuff! Habitat, personal, friends, work, all jumbled up together.

And work...

Yeah...

Another strange day at work. I ask you - how can someone not fix something that isn't broken? And then get in trouble for it? Goodness!

Oh well, tomorrow is another day.

Schedule Conflicts...

Man! I just can't seem to get to that OA meeting! I have something to do for Habitat this Saturday, so again, I have to put off going to the meeting. It's like the biggest sabotage I have! At the same time, it's fun to do the stuff for Habitat!

House maintenance aside, this one is about gardening - edible gardening! Wow! Right up my alley...

Been wanting to write, but can't seem to get there

I even had the screen up for about 3 hours while I ran around the other day. I just didn't have the time/energy/desire to actually sit down and write.

I talked with my friend who's husband passed. I shared, but not all of it. She isn't the problem, and doesn't need to bear all of this right now.

She suggested OA on Saturday, which is a really good idea for me. I need to get my diet back on track. I know what works, but I just can't seem to stick with it for an entire day. I get off kilter and eat whatever I see. I have all the right stuff in the house...

My housewarming went well. It was less well-attended than I'd hoped, but not bad. I had a chair or two available, and it was a nice visit with friends. That was the main thing, anyway. I really wanted friends to come visit.

In the apartment, nobody came over after the first time. The place was so bad - cramped, it felt like the place was closing in on you. It didn't smell, but the cat hair was pretty bad - I'd given up trying to keep it under control - I couldn't turn around or reach anything without moving something else.

I love the space here. I don't want any more furniture. I just want what I have to be organized. Yes, I need bookshelves. I need a baking station in the kitchen. So, yeah, I guess I still need some stuff, but it can't be that stuff comes in and nothing goes out. I have to "REPLACE" things - short book cases with tall ones - not just integrate tall ones and keep the short ones too. Although, more shelving is always a good idea for me...

I got my 4-drawer file cabinet, and I haven't even begun putting stuff in it. I guess I can start that project. The sewing room is still a mess, and until it's organized, I can't sew. I guess some shelving for there is a good idea, too. (sigh)

Maybe I'll just have to keep adding bookshelves and storage until it's all put away and looks clean.

Emotions...

Out of control, that's what I was...

I went to the funeral yesterday and got triggered. It's me, not them. Something inside me that I really need to look at deeply, got triggered. I'm not about to do the soul-searching here, but I'll do it.

Then, when I got home, the laptop had updated something and rebooted itself. Without my permission! It took 2 1/2 hours to get it running again! I was SO PISSED! I figured out how to stop it, but DAMN IT! I hate Windows! I lost I don't know how much data, important stuff that I needed to follow up on, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

I called Toshiba and reamed out a poor phone person, who truly was not at fault. It's not her fault that XP does this shit. Thank GOD for TechRepublic! They had the fix right there, on the website, where anyone could see it. I did it - I turned off all automatic EVERYTHING!

I'm getting notices from McAfee to update, but I don't care. I only use that computer for work. I don't surf. I don't play. I don't do crap! Strictly work. Password controlled, access controlled, can't even bring up a browser without a password on the damn thing. Can't even access the desktop without a password.

But I blew a royal gasket. During my tirade, two unfortunate men came to the door. One, a hapless insurance inspector for my home insurance, and the other, a kind gentleman delivering a wonderful rocking chair for my housewarming. I just couldn't deal with any of it.

Later, one of my neighbors came by. She's a sweetie, really she is...

I unloaded on her, but nicely. I didn't yell at her or anything, but I did finally recount everything that had happened so that she would understand my craziness at the moment.

The part of me that got triggered has to do with relationships (no big surprise there!) and being single, unable to connect and stay connected. It's a real sore point for me. I want the love of my life - the marriage that lasts forever, and the relationship that seems karmic. I had it. We divorced in 1991. It still hurts. And I'm alone.

No wonder I repel men!

I Want(and want and want and want and...)

"My eyes are bigger than my stomach." "Always wanting more"

That's me!

I always want more. More money, more space, more stuff, more clothes, more mail, more flowers, more friendship, more solitude, more (fill-in-the-blank).

I woke up this morning feeling pretty good. No pain or rush to be anywhere.

I baked a cake yesterday, and put it together (this was my first cake in over 10 years!) but it turned messy because of the marshmallow cream in the middle. So, it's in the fridge, and it's very tasty. It isn't as pretty as I expected. I learned: marshmallow cream needs a "well" to be used in the middle of a cake, and pipe it in.

It was "supposed to be" devils food cake, marshmallow cream and cherry pie filling in the middle, and chocolate fudge frosting with shaved bitter chocolate sprinkled on top.

It never got the bitter chocolate on top. No worries - it's still delicious!

Another aspect of my life...

My girlfriend's husband passed. She'd spent 13 weeks caring for him while he was in and out of the hospital, rehab centers and nursing homes. Because she was there, he lasted 13 weeks. The horror stories she told me of his treatment, nearly daily, were incredible!

He's out of pain and in a better place, and she's shattered, picking up the pieces. The visitation is tonight and funeral tomorrow. I'm booked for this evening and can't be there for her tonight, but I'll be at the funeral. From now on, I'll be at her elbow in meetings, in social settings and so on.

She chose me, and I'm very grateful! I love her - she's so much like me! She would be the girlfriend I had in Jr High if we'd grown up in the same places. I've been so lonely, and to finally find "that girlfriend to hang with" after 7 years, is really cool. I'm sorry she's had to go through this, this pain and loss.

Apparently she inherits a bit of property, so she wants some shielding and to hang with women right now. Smart decision, really. From what she's told me, the sharks are already circling. If there's one thing I do know how to do, it's repel men...

Posting Every Day...

I have a wonderful friend who made a commitment to post every day. I'm not that ambitious.

I got to hear part of a 5th step last night. More to follow. I don't get to hear many of them. I never get past Step 3 with most ladies. Not me so much as just the circumstances. The halfway-houses don't care for my step-centered approach, and my desire to actually "work" with my ladies.

When there is only one night a week that they aren't running around or in a house meeting, you can only do one or 2 ladies at a time. And if the management decides that a lady isn't doing what she should, they can keep her from you. It's too much like jail for me. I don't sponsor ladies in jail, either. I'll write to them, but I won't sponsor them.

I've always been available, but I guess it just takes a person of a certain type to want me for a sponsor. And then, you have to be willing to do the steps, too! I'm kind of no-nonsense about that. It's life-or-death. I learned from some great ladies, and I want to pass on what they gave me.

You can't really sponsor without the steps. I've tried.

Here I started out talking about a commitment to posting every day, and it turned into a philosophy of sponsoring...

Such is my brain with a cat yeowling at me....

Got a nasty headache....

I've had a headache threatening me for days. It hit this morning! It's sinus/stress/migraine. What a combo!

Stress - it's in my neck and the back of my head
Sinus - behind my eyes, and my eyes are bleary and my nose wants to run
Migraine- seeing spots again.

I was supposed to go see the "Kirking of the Tartans" at a local Presbyterian church today with some friends. I can't handle the noise. I can barely move to feed the cats!

Oh well, this too shall pass...