Writing, Friends, Honesty

I've been half-heartedly writing a fiction piece every so often. I got a slew of emails right after mid-January, announcing quite a few writing contests. Unfortunately, I'd published all my latest to Facebook, so they weren't eligible for entry. Been keeping the new work close to the chest in response. I want to build a catalog of unpublished work I can submit.

In the friends arena, I've found some forked-tongue folks. I made a new friend, but she had to move away suddenly. I hope she comes back, but she's a friend for life. I have a few of these friends who move away and yet remain my friend. It's like we are meant to connect and then they move to where they are supposed to be. I have a network all over the globe, anymore. It's nice, but lonely, too. I want to have dinner, go out for coffee, sit and chat, and crochet together....

*****

 

 Honesty is an area where I'm finding difficulty because of others. I feel judged because of what I say. I speak honestly, and sometimes feel like it's the wrong thing to say.

For instance, maybe because of my education, or maybe the way I've lived and the people I've known - I'm very open to gay women. I have a lot of gay women friends, and though I don't categorize myself as gay, I am not threatened at all by them. I welcome their raw honesty and insight. I find that most gay women don't lie to themselves, and I like that. I want that self-honesty in my life.

This seems to offend the locals.


Next, I'm not a Christian. I've tried, I really have!!!
But Christianity does not "click" with my insides. I call myself a Pagan, though I don't follow any particular path. My spiritual training has been Hindu, Buddhist, Jewish, Mysticism, Kabalah, New Age, and more. I find truth in many sources, and listen to the message, not the messenger. That puts up walls around me that I can't seem to get through. It's like I'm marked with nasty red "X"s all over my life - or tainted....

  Photo by Badger

Sometimes, I speak a little rough. In this southern Appalachian region, that seems to offend the locals, also. Women aren't supposed to talk like that. I was raised by a swearing mom who went hell-for-leather to the nasty stuff whenever she got angry. I take after her. I've learned that some of my language reflects mental states that I work to alleviate. But some of my rough language is just me making a point.



I will always be an outsider around here. I know that. I don't have three generations of ancestors here. This region is very "clannish" and likely always will be. However, I wish to understand them and their outlook toward life. I respect their viewpoints. I don't much care for the climate, but that's OK. I love the literature and humor. I love the self-sufficiency and self-reliance I see in the people. They are sturdy and stalwart, if sometimes a little rigid. Not at all what I was led to believe before I moved here.

My loneliness is speaking today. My friend is far away and others are shunning me. I know I probably have a good part in this, but I don't see all of it right now.

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On the bright side, the new diet plan and medical care is working. I've dropped a significant amount of weight - over 10% - since the first of the year. It's expensive, but I'll keep it up as long as my finances hold out.

Time Limits!

I realized last night while I was on the phone, that I only have another 10 days or so for the book. I need to get OFF the internet and stay off it. But it's like I'm addicted or something. I really like reading e-mail, answering e-mail, forwarding articles to my friends, and staying informed on the issues that interest me (health, writing, cats).

And yesterday I filled out a scholarship application and wrote the essay for it. I even pulled out the old trusty manual typewriter to fill out the application, as they requested! Did you know that the @ symbol is not above the 2 on a typewriter? I forgot that and had to search the keys for it! I had to request some special people in my life to write letters of recommendation and get them to me by Jan 5th so I can have the scholarship application postmarked by January 6th, which is the deadline. I had a really short window, but I only found out about it yesterday, and it's a really good scholarship for me.

But I was talking to my sister, which was long overdue, and realized that my time on the book is getting pretty short.

I got overwhelmed by one of the submissions. A friend of over 40 years. I realized some stuff about my growing up that I didn't remember. Not nice, for sure! It reminded me of who I was all those years ago, all the stuff I'd forgotten, and from her point of view. She's a pretty incredible lady, to be sure, and I'm so very happy she put in her submission. But it triggered "stuff" for me. So, I took a couple of days off from the book. I need to write her a long letter, on paper, and mail it to her.

But first, back to the book, get it done, and to the publisher!

I hope to publish mid-January, so there you go!

Who's Rich?

I just read this blog post...

http://finance.yahoo.com/career-work/article/110876/why-the-rich-dont-feel-rich

And the original blog post here...

http://delong.typepad.com/sdj/2010/09/todd-henderson-we-are-the-super-rich.html

I believe in living below my means. Sometimes, that means I go withtout. Without gas for the car, without new clothes, without "elective" medications, and so on. Perhaps I make the choices I make because I want a roof over my head. Perhaps it's becuase I have a strong desire to never work more than 30 hours a week outside the home. Whatever it is, those are my choices.

Yes, I do make the choice to not work full time. I have way too many irons in the fire to work full time outside. I have my websites, my SEO business, and some other "projects" that are promising to make a tidy sum. So, I need the time more than the money.

As long as the basic bills and the car is paid for, I'm OK. I may have to put off some work on the car until it's urgent, but that's again my choice. I also choose to hire a lawn service.

I love mowing the lawn, don't get me wrong... But it puts me flat on my back for 2-3 days afterwards. I lose all strength in my legs and my back aches too much for comfort. So, I made the decision to hire it out every 2 weeks. I would do it more often if I could. Besides, I get a full-service package this way. When I need rototilling done, I know who to call.

But this post is about being rich. Define rich... Just for yourself, define it. Does it mean money in the bank? Property? Friends? Health? Stuff? To me it's a mix of all of them. More friends and health than stuff, money or property. I used to think that money and property and stuff were what life is all about. But I've lost everything I've owned 5 times now. I lost it in a fire, when I lost my home and storage locker due to financial difficulties, when I moved to Tennessee. And, let's not forget the 2 times we lost everything when I was a kid.

So "stuff is just stuff." I learned that the important things are photographs, correspondence and cards from family and friends, and important documents that are a pain to replace, like your passport and social security card. In my case, I also have family tree and geneological documents that I would loathe to lose. I keep these things above flood stage, near the roof in my office. They are accessible, but safe. And if something happened, I would know exactly where to start grabbing and tossing out the window!

Rich - memories of friends and family. Close ties with special people all over the world. That is what I call my "rich life." I don't have a lot of cash, or property. I probably have way too much stuff, but that's because I'm a clutter junky. I'm learning to tame and reduce it. At least my floor is mostly clear - except for the cat toys and shoes everywhere...

I have enough food so that I won't starve in the next 30 days. My utilites are paid (mostly on time, too!). I have a home of my own - mine and the bank's. I have a brain, and I'm fairly healthy. (I've been doing "body work" with a masseuse, and my health feels much stronger as a result.)

So, am I rich? NO! I would love a car that didn't have a ton of work to be done on it. Maybe one that was less than 5 years old, instead of 12 years old. And I want to be fully out of debt.

That's RICH! To have no payments to creditors...

Wow! I had that for all of one week, once. I look forward to it again. That's why I drive a 12-year old car.

So, that's my definition of rich. I hope you will think of your own definition. Write it down someplace. Refer to it often. Daily, if you can... And be grateful for the stuff you already have.

We live in one of the richest (if not the richest) countries in the world. We have a life style that is among the most favored. Yeah, we like to bitch and complain about "how bad we have it" but we really don't have it that bad. Think about that for a while...

Finishing that pizza slice???

Friends???

I have a "friend" who keeps harping on what I should be doing. She is in her own bag of shit, and yet she keeps judging me for what I'm not doing and not able to do.

I listen to her, and I hear all the stuff that's wrong. How this person or that institution wronged her, how this isn't working out, her lawn is a foot tall, her dog need more maintenance...

What I don't hear is how she was grateful to wake up this morning, that she had water to shower with, and drink, that she has a dog that loves her, that she has a house with a yard.... I don't hear any gratitude at all.

Yet, she harps on how messed up my life is, how I don't eat right, and what I shouldn't include in the room I'm renting. I'm sorry, but even renting a hotel room, you get a bed and dresser!!! You get a closet! Shit!!! What does she think a person wants - a blank, empty room???? I don't think so!!!

So, I've decided to see less of this person. She can go off and be miserable by herself. Maybe her sponsor can jump her ass. She won't listen to me, because she knows everything. I've tried to be a good friend, and to support her and confront her, as she needed me to do; but I can't do it anymore. The price is too high. My sanity and serenity are too important.

If I'm a little flaky once in a while, that's fine. I can do that. I'm more creative most days, than not. That makes me less than attentive to the details sometimes. I pay attention to my life by what needs the attention. If someone has advice or a suggestion, I'll listen - not necessarily take their advice or suggestion. I'll listen - that's the bargain.

So, that's my rant for tonight. I can't call anyone at this hour, but I can blog. Thank goodness for the internet!

New Activities....

Online Businesses....

I met a couple of ladies from the same hosting company as myself, and we are getting together to develop our sites a bit better and bring our webhost to the community.

This truly is a great opportunity to develop an online business....

For a small amount of money, you get the same tools as companies that want $5K or more - and the domain belongs to you - it isn't a subdomain or something that has no worth. You can market your site in many ways, including Google Adsense, which makes a tidy sum if your site is in the right niche.

The process of developing your site is like getting an MBA in a box. The same course is sold at universities all over the world, and we want to bring the course here. It's only 13 weeks long, but it's quite intense!!!

Man! Is it ever intense!

So, the three of us will be bringing the opportunity to folks around our area. Even if we offer the classes at the local senior center, it doesn't matter. The point is that folks can augment their incomes and possibly even quit their day jobs.

In this economic world, this is a an opportunity not to be missed.

I hope any local readers will at least check it out.

Weird and busy day!

Busy because I've been running since I got up. I only just checked my personal e-mail at 9pm. I usually get to that by 10am. But not today...

Weird, because it was such a mix of stuff! Habitat, personal, friends, work, all jumbled up together.

And work...

Yeah...

Another strange day at work. I ask you - how can someone not fix something that isn't broken? And then get in trouble for it? Goodness!

Oh well, tomorrow is another day.

I'm Worn Out!

I feel like I've been taking care of other people's needs all week. I finally shut down last night. I mean shut down. I started refusing phone calls, invitaitons, conversations, friendships, pleas for help, and just folks saying "hi." I'm just tired out.

I feel like I've been pulled in a dozen different directions this past week. I feel like my insides are raw. I just need about 36 hours of peace.

When I get worn out like this, my boundaries begin to discintegrate, and people walk all over my needs, my desires and my life. I can't defend myself. The only defense is to check out. I saw it coming, so I didn't have to be nasty to anyone, but man! I'm so tired.

I didn't even know what day it was for several days running. I couldn't keep the calendar straight. I missed my meds one day. I had so much junk going on that I got emotional and melted down a couple of times.

Most folks don't even recognize when this is happening in me. I have such a cool, calm, controlled demeanor. I keep an iron lid on my emotions.

For instance...

I needed to do some laundry - so I packed it into the car, checked the soap and headed to the store for more. I got to the store, picked up the soap, and tried to open the trunk to put the soap in with the clothes. The trunk wouldn't open.

I drove over to my new mechanic, he took out the back seat, the bracing, the laundry in the trunk and finally popped the lock. A broken piece of plastic in the lock was the problem. So, he replaced it, put everything back and off I went.

The check I wrote bounced. I forgot about the monthly service charge because I didn't know what day/date it was. I moved money to the account, but the check didn't come through again, and now I have to track it down to collect it.

Example 2...

My landlady showed up unexpected and wanted to chide me about her air conditioner that is leaking water so bad that the outside of the building is soaked. There is mold growing in the window frame in the apartment below me. My landlady wants me to use my towels to soak up the water. I'll give you a hint - I don't have enough towels to do that for one day, much less the rest of the season. And she doesn't pay for laundry or provide facilities. But it's somehow my fault that her air conditioner is old, moldy, full of god knows what, and leaks water. Bullshit! I'm not enabling her behaviors. She needs to spend the money on the building instead of whatever she's spending it on, and replace the air conditioners. She didn't bring her keys, so I had to stick around to lock up - and I was running late for...

A friend, whom I love, hurt herself and can't drive right now. She needed a trip to the chiropractor early in the week - it was a 5 hour expedition. Later in the week, she was out of groceries, and her credit card had been lost, so she needed to pay a bill in person. It was only 3 hours, but I was late for something else, and totally forgot about it. I wandered around K-Mart intending to get cat litter, and then saw the lines. I left empty-handed about an hour after I arrived, and got home. There was a message on the machine for the dinner I'd agreed to a week ago. I'm driving, they are buying. So, I quickly cleared up the inbox and ran.

An entire afternoon blown to hell. I need to pack. I need to nap. I wake up with a headache every single day in this place. I can't handle the heat and the only A/C is the unit in my bedroom. I don't sleep well here, so I nap in the afternoon, after I've done my major bits of work. Then, I clear up when I wake up and pack till bedtime.

My schedule is blown. My life feels like a shambles. Moving is a bitch! But all these extra distractions are more than I can handle. And I need more meetings to keep me centered. Ain't gonna happen until I'm moved to the house...

Late last night, another distraction called - it was after 10pm. I told her it was too late to call. She pouted, too bad. I'm over it. That's another situation for another entry...