I realized on Saturday (yesterday) that I've been dealing with grief for almost 2 years. Let me enumerate the causes:
December 17, 2014 Bugsie was put down. She had a huge bony mass on her jaw and was starving herself to death.
December 27, 2014 My house reverted to Habitat for Humanity. I had been paying both rent and mortgage since September, and could no longer keep it up. I had 5 more months of school before I graduated. It was a decision – I could have finished online, but there was a class I particularly wanted that was twice a week on campus only. The rest of my classes were online. If I'd known giving up my house would hurt me financially like it did, I would have taken another class, instead, and moved back to Knoxville.
February 7, 2015 Beasley got out and was run over by a car and died the next morning. Shortly afterwards, I got sick for the first time in several years, and during a blizzard. I took to my bed with the flu. I lost 19 pounds in 5 days, running a high fever for several days. I was very weak when I finally got out of bed.
Spring Semester 2015 My job at GCOP was a courtesy only. There was no work to do, and the position had been eliminated.
May 1-2 every year The anniversary of my parent's deaths. Dad in 1995 on the 1st, and mom in 2008 on the 2nd. My sister always calls me every year. I generally have little emotional response.
May 2015 I graduated from ETSU with my BA. I'd been accepted to both ETSU and SLC grad schools.
July, 2015 I dropped out of ETSU grad school so that there would not be two schools fighting over my student aid. Around this time, I also found out that my GRAD-Plus loan was denied. They cited my "deed in lieu" – turning my house over to Habitat – as the reason. Habitat never advised me that that was what I was doing. They held it out that I could always return the house to them with no consequences. During that 4-5 days between not having funding and being reassured by SLC, the stress of the move relieved. Then, SLC said that they would make sure I had a campus position to make ends meet. For most of the summer I was terribly stressed over the whole thing, moving, leaving Tennessee and cutting my possessions down.
August 17, 2015 I packed up an 18' truck with help, eliminating furniture and belongings to fit, and left for Yonkers, NY. I had to wait until August 31 to arrive on the SLC campus, so I headed to Vienna VA and spent that time with my family.
August 31, 2015 I arrived at SLC to be told I didn't have enough money and they were worried about my success because of financial stressors. They gave me an advance on my student loans and put me in a hotel.
Sept 1-4, 2015 I sat in the hotel, thinking about my future direction. After conversations with several people, I chose to return to Johnson City, TN over Knoxville, TN; Fallon, NV, or Los Angeles, CA. I have friends and family in all these locations, so any location would suit. All my belongings and my cats were with me. I had enough money to go anywhere in the country.
Sept 5, 2015, I arrived in JC, staying in a hotel. Was offered a rooming situation with Michelle J. for up to 10 weeks.
November, 2015 Took an apartment with Vic V. on Westwood St., off Barton. I got a job a Food City.
March, 2016 Moved to a Senior Apartment complex. March 22, the car went down and I was on the bus until Sept 3.
April or May 2016 My cousin Curtis Cullen Marshall, died suddenly. He was a year older than myself. I know his wife (widow) and son.
May 2016 I quit Food City. I was so disgusted by things that I couldn’t drive myself to go in anymore. I resigned myself to retirement.
May 17, 2016 Published my book "Cat Urine Odor Solutions" – my second title.
May or June, 2016 Curtis' mother, Martha Marshall, died suddenly.
July 23, 2016 My cousin Greg and his long-term girlfriend, Kathy, finally married. It was a wedding we'd all looked forward to seeing.
Late August, 2016 Greg's father Joseph Paton Marshall, passed. He was 94. He was the last remaining sibling of my father.
October 17, 2016 Queenie passed. She was Beasley's favorite kitty-girl. Cancer of the liver. She just began to suffer that morning.
I have relied on other people, incorrect or incomplete information, and been shafted as a result. That part is up to me. I take responsibility for not asking the right questions. I don't always know the right questions to ask.
There are, however, many items on this list that I had no control over.
When things are falling apart, they are most likely falling together.
When God cleans house, he is making room for something even better.
I have to hold on to these little truths, or I'll lose my mind.
