I'm Worn Out!

I feel like I've been taking care of other people's needs all week. I finally shut down last night. I mean shut down. I started refusing phone calls, invitaitons, conversations, friendships, pleas for help, and just folks saying "hi." I'm just tired out.

I feel like I've been pulled in a dozen different directions this past week. I feel like my insides are raw. I just need about 36 hours of peace.

When I get worn out like this, my boundaries begin to discintegrate, and people walk all over my needs, my desires and my life. I can't defend myself. The only defense is to check out. I saw it coming, so I didn't have to be nasty to anyone, but man! I'm so tired.

I didn't even know what day it was for several days running. I couldn't keep the calendar straight. I missed my meds one day. I had so much junk going on that I got emotional and melted down a couple of times.

Most folks don't even recognize when this is happening in me. I have such a cool, calm, controlled demeanor. I keep an iron lid on my emotions.

For instance...

I needed to do some laundry - so I packed it into the car, checked the soap and headed to the store for more. I got to the store, picked up the soap, and tried to open the trunk to put the soap in with the clothes. The trunk wouldn't open.

I drove over to my new mechanic, he took out the back seat, the bracing, the laundry in the trunk and finally popped the lock. A broken piece of plastic in the lock was the problem. So, he replaced it, put everything back and off I went.

The check I wrote bounced. I forgot about the monthly service charge because I didn't know what day/date it was. I moved money to the account, but the check didn't come through again, and now I have to track it down to collect it.

Example 2...

My landlady showed up unexpected and wanted to chide me about her air conditioner that is leaking water so bad that the outside of the building is soaked. There is mold growing in the window frame in the apartment below me. My landlady wants me to use my towels to soak up the water. I'll give you a hint - I don't have enough towels to do that for one day, much less the rest of the season. And she doesn't pay for laundry or provide facilities. But it's somehow my fault that her air conditioner is old, moldy, full of god knows what, and leaks water. Bullshit! I'm not enabling her behaviors. She needs to spend the money on the building instead of whatever she's spending it on, and replace the air conditioners. She didn't bring her keys, so I had to stick around to lock up - and I was running late for...

A friend, whom I love, hurt herself and can't drive right now. She needed a trip to the chiropractor early in the week - it was a 5 hour expedition. Later in the week, she was out of groceries, and her credit card had been lost, so she needed to pay a bill in person. It was only 3 hours, but I was late for something else, and totally forgot about it. I wandered around K-Mart intending to get cat litter, and then saw the lines. I left empty-handed about an hour after I arrived, and got home. There was a message on the machine for the dinner I'd agreed to a week ago. I'm driving, they are buying. So, I quickly cleared up the inbox and ran.

An entire afternoon blown to hell. I need to pack. I need to nap. I wake up with a headache every single day in this place. I can't handle the heat and the only A/C is the unit in my bedroom. I don't sleep well here, so I nap in the afternoon, after I've done my major bits of work. Then, I clear up when I wake up and pack till bedtime.

My schedule is blown. My life feels like a shambles. Moving is a bitch! But all these extra distractions are more than I can handle. And I need more meetings to keep me centered. Ain't gonna happen until I'm moved to the house...

Late last night, another distraction called - it was after 10pm. I told her it was too late to call. She pouted, too bad. I'm over it. That's another situation for another entry...