Why I Blog Against Trump

I was thinking about why I do this in the face of relative anonymity while putting myself in harm's way....

It's a moral imperative. "The Only Thing Necessary for the Triumph of Evil is that Good Men Do Nothing."
Whether first stated by Edmund Burke, Charles Aked or John F. Kennedy, the quote is how I feel. I need to speak up and point out inconsistencies, illegalities, and manipulation. It's what I was educated to do.

I took Women's Studies. It is misnamed because the study is really about developing a social and political conscience.  It makes me pay attention and have an informed opinion about things. It taught me to research the assumptions, not swallow them whole. It taught me to think for myself. That's always dangerous to people in power.

If one doesn't remember history, one is doomed to repeat it.Nazi Germany didn't come out of nowhere. It was an economic reality caused by the treaty of Versailles after WWI, combined with a seeming lack of power by the populace. That sounds very familiar today. Instead of blaming the bankers and 1%, we, the other 99%, have been deflected to Muslims. "Divide and conquer" is an old strategy. It works. We've been divided and are looking for scapegoats, instead of paying attention to the real causes of our distress.

I'm also a minister in an obscure religious sect. That gives me a certain leeway to express my opinions. I don't have a "church" or "congregation" because I don't care to follow that path. I counsel and educate. That's my ministry. 

My tax status is that of an ordinary person. I have no tax breaks or special deductions. I file my tax paperwork every year just like the majority of citizens do, and make sure it's in by April 15th. If I owe anything, I pay.  I generally get a small refund. 

I hope to build a local business this coming year. That's all I will say on it at the moment since it's in the planning stages.  My vocal response to Trump may cause that to remain an unrealized dream.

So, speaking out is what I feel I need to do. It's important that I do not remain silent. No race or creed is responsible for this situation. No one group of people caused this mess. We all did. I will point out when we need to correct our course. That's what I feel called to do.
 

The Case for Trump Being Mentally Ill

I don't personally know Donald Trump. I don't need to. I've known too many people just like him over my lifetime.

It's an unfortunate truth of my life that I've known many persons with antisocial disorders. My mother had borderline personality disorder. My first husband was a "paranoid schizophrenic" and was quite volatile. My last husband was also inflicted with an antisocial personality disorder and gaslighted me. I knew a  woman who gaslighted me by saying I must have lied when she was the one who lied and tried to back out of the things she said and did. My mother also did that.

I am an empath. I'm a target for people with antisocial disorders.

My mother and I could never communicate because I didn't realize we weren't speaking the same language. English is my first language, as it was hers. However, there are so many words with multiple meanings and meanings that are implied without being spoken in the English language, that we could not communicate - mother and daughter, or not.

So, I am uniquely qualified to see these behaviors in a manipulative, narcissistic individual with megalomaniac tendencies when he or she comes to my attention. Therefore, I feel it is my duty to point out to others, who may not see or recognize the truth of things. I'm not a doctor or therapist, although I have a distinct way of understanding people of all walks of life. I put myself "in their shoes" by using my empathy. I see many sides of the every argument, so I rarely get into them.

Yet, I'm at odds with the world today because Trump is so far into the antisocial spectrum and seems to be fooling so many people. I know what he's doing. I can follow each step of the way and even anticipate some of his moves. I can identify each piece of the puzzle.

As with all antisocial personalities, the ones who see the tendencies are put in a position of defense. The antisocial person uses his charisma and manipulative skills to turn others against the empath. It's part of the skillset they are born with or learn along the way.

If you do any kind of research at all, you will find this to be true. I suggest you read "The Empathy Trap" by Jane McGregor. It explains this co-existence and the game to the uninitiated. Yes, it's dangerous, and yes, it's deadly. Recovery from the manipulation and gaslighting dished out by the antisocial person can make the victim commit suicide. I know, because I almost did.

In the case of Donald Trump, he's manipulated his way into the white house. At least within spitting distance as of this writing. The Electoral College still has to confirm him, which will take place in less than three days. Or not.

I hope not. I hope they (the EC) will make another choice. I don't particularly like some of the alternatives, but even if I don't like them, they are less dangerous than Trump.

Now, Ms. Kellyanne Conway has said that anyone who criticizes Donald Trump will have to "face the consequences" for that. Well, I for one welcome their efforts to dole out consequences. That will show the world just who and what they elected. I know I'm on the firing line in this. I'm not the only one. I call out "conflict of interest" or "unconstitutional" or "against the law" on a regular basis. However, those labels are responses to research done by others.

When I talk about Trump's personality disorder, that is based on personal experience. I recognize it because I've lived it. I don't wish for anyone to live through what I did. Yet, we as a country are living the beginning stages of it right now. If that puts me on the firing line with the Trump administration, so be it. They may try to shut me up, but I hope my words live on regardless of their actions. I hope my words spread to every corner of the world.

I have not and will not "threaten" Trump. That's not my job. I only hope he does not take possession of the highest office of this country. He will hand everything over to Putin and destroy our sovereignty and safety. He will allow our economy to collapse by his behaviors and lack of understanding. He will allow this country to be held ransom by anyone and everyone who ever had dealings with his businesses. He will ignore every cautionary message from the people who are in place to keep us all safe. All because he thinks he's smarter than everyone else. That is pure hogwash!

There is NO person who is smart enough to know everything! Only God can know everything. And Donald Trump is not God! He just thinks he is.

THAT is mental illness.

There is a "letter to electors"  that was published recently. This letter outlines the public policy reasons that Trump should not be in office. Whether the electors choose Trump or not, the list is daunting. Add that to his mental illness, and you have a man dangerous to the globe, not just America.

THE EMPEROR HAS NO CLOTHES

OK. I'm a coward. I accept it. I want to die at ground zero in the first blast, not linger with radiation sickness for weeks. I don't like pain.

I don't watch news much, or pay attention to all the hate and anger in the world. Not because I am immune to it, but because it triggers so much anxiety and pain in me. I act out of fear and pain after a dose of "reality" and the news. I live as though I am the one throwing the stone and the one have the stone hit me. I see both sides. It's exhausting, so I choose to ignore as much as I can. But at the same time, I can't just condone what I see going on around me by inaction. I must stand up to things and object to things.

So, I see Donald Trump turning his back on the people who voted for him by every word and deed. We used to put people like him away. He's a danger to himself and others. Now, we applaud him - well not me, but people around me do...

So, I see a world in which a complete fraud has been perpetrated on the US of A. It sickens me. The "draining of the swamp" is instead packing it full of the very vultures who have the most to gain. They've already gained a lot.

But a fraud is a fraud is a fraud. The Emperor has no clothes. He's running around naked and everyone is acting like it's all OK. It isn't OK. Things are not right.

People like Trump used to be hauled off in straitjackets to the looney bin. That's where he belongs. He's insane.

Unfortunately for the rest of us, he is the head of the country - or on his way to becoming that.

We already have proven voter fraud in 5 machines. The seals have been tampered with and the votes nullified. All the votes. We need not just a recount, but a re-vote with UN oversight. In the four states where there is fraud, we need to do this. Not universally. Give a week for all the early voters, everybody who voted, to vote again. Three UN overseers in each polling place, and strict control of the machines.

Let's see what really goes on. Trump may not be the winner. His swamp may be drained well, yet.

MY STATEMENT TO TRUMP, PENCE, PRIEBUS, BANNON, et al

I don't know why God made it possible for such a predator as yourself to come to power. I think it was your insecurity and manipulation that caused it. I think that God wants all the world to see what it's like to be  taken advantage of by a narcissistic predator such as yourself.

I will never bow down to you or give you my approval. You and people like you have taken too much from me all my life, and I refuse. You have manipulated and twisted every situation and every mind so that people don't realize what and who you are.

I have lived under that type of gaslighting.
I survived.

I have lived under that kind of manipulation.
I survived.

I have grown up watching masters at manipulation, narcissists like you, take every situation and turn it into something sordid and ugly. I have watched as women of worth and power were reduced to tears and shredded self-esteem. I have been forced to watch this because I didn't think I had any power. It had been done to me, as well.

But now I know I have power. More power than you will ever have. I have the power to refuse you. I have the power to withhold my approval. It will infuriate you. You will lash out. You might be in a position to physically hurt me or even kill me. But I will win. My approval will never be yours. My trust of my spirit and my gut will win.

My spirit will survive.

What Trump Means to Me....

What a Trump presidency tells me is that I'm not welcome in this country anymore.

I was born into a world that was rapidly changing, accepting blacks, whites and LGBT persons; accepting of religions other than Christianity; welcoming, though guarded against, immigrants from all over the world. The ballot was printed in 21 languages and alphabets, so everyone could participate who was eligible.

Today, I know that world is dead. Trump being elected means that people like me, people who are different in any way, are not welcome in America anymore.

I was a girl child, and from the cradle, I was used as a sex toy for men. When I grew up a little bit and "didn't want to play anymore," I was tossed away. I've made my way since then in a slow, pondering way because I had no guidance and many obstacles. I had little support because I was a girl and no money behind me.

I've watched as this country has come apart at the seams, with hate, anger and the war of advantages between the haves and have-nots.

Today, with a new morning, the Republican party holds control of all three branches of government. This means that all the safety nets of the last 100 years will be undone. No more social security, no more child labor laws, no more medicare, no more women voting. We will be returned to the turn of the 1900s, when white men held all the control.

Problem is, the country is no longer run by white men. They just don't know it yet. They coerce women to do their will, force Christianity down everyone's throat, push through pipelines over waterways, cut trees, and destroy wilderness.

All for money. You can't eat money. You can't drink money. And if you don't pay your workers a living wage, they can't buy what you sell. The whole house of cards will come down.

I'm not welcome here. I was born here, but I had an obvious disadvantage. I was a girl. What about everyone else who is not welcome here? Is slavery coming back? Sounds like it. And LGBT? Better hide it.

Comey - Corrupt or Stupid?

The FBI director, Comey, released a document to Congressional leaders, hoping it would be leaked to the press. It was.

Either Comey is stupid beyond belief, or he is corrupt.

He can't be stupid, because he is the director of the FBI, and one doesn't get to that position being stupid.

However, one CAN get to that position and be corrupt. If he is corrupt, how far does the corruption spread? Is it ideology or financial? If it's just money, then Comey is an idiot, whether he's smart or not. He's an idiot to throw his career away to support a candidate- whichever candidate or official paid him.

If this is ideological, then he needs to run for office himself. Enough covert maneuvering. He needs to be in the light, not the shadows.

This election is weird, to say the least. It's very nasty, more so than in past elections.

No matter what, Comey needs to lose his job. An investigation should be made into his motives for this action. It's pretty clear that his action was meant to hurt the Clinton campaign, while he sat on - and continues to disregard or ignore - even worse allegations about Trump.

GRIEF

I realized on Saturday (yesterday) that I've been dealing with grief for almost 2 years. Let me enumerate the causes:

December 17, 2014                   Bugsie was put down. She had a huge bony mass on her jaw and was starving herself to death.

December 27, 2014                   My house reverted to Habitat for Humanity. I had been paying both rent and mortgage since September, and could no longer keep it up. I had 5 more months of school before I graduated. It was a decision – I could have finished online, but there was a class I particularly wanted that was twice a week on campus only. The rest of my classes were online. If I'd known giving up my house would hurt me financially like it did, I would have taken another class, instead, and moved back to Knoxville.

February 7, 2015                       Beasley got out and was run over by a car and died the next morning. Shortly afterwards, I got sick for the first time in several years, and during a blizzard. I took to my bed with the flu. I lost 19 pounds in 5 days, running a high fever for several days. I was very weak when I finally got out of bed.

Spring Semester 2015                My job at GCOP was a courtesy only. There was no work to do, and the position had been eliminated.

May 1-2 every year                   The anniversary of my parent's deaths. Dad in 1995 on the 1^st, and mom in 2008 on the 2^nd. My sister always calls me every year. I generally have little emotional response.

May 2015                                 I graduated from ETSU with my BA. I'd been accepted to both ETSU and SLC grad schools.

July, 2015                                  I dropped out of ETSU grad school so that there would not be two schools fighting over my student aid. Around this time, I also found out that my GRAD-Plus loan was denied. They cited my "deed in lieu" – turning my house over to Habitat – as the reason. Habitat never advised me that that was what I was doing. They held it out that I could always return the house to them with no consequences. During that 4-5 days between not having funding and being reassured by SLC, the stress of the move relieved. Then, SLC said that they would make sure I had a campus position to make ends meet. For most of the summer I was terribly stressed over the whole thing, moving, leaving Tennessee and cutting my possessions down.

August 17, 2015                        I packed up an 18' truck with help, eliminating furniture and belongings to fit, and left for Yonkers, NY. I had to wait until August 31 to arrive on the SLC campus, so I headed to Vienna VA and spent that time with my family.

August 31, 2015                        I arrived at SLC to be told I didn't have enough money and they were worried about my success because of financial stressors. They gave me an advance on my student loans and put me in a hotel.

Sept 1-4, 2015                           I sat in the hotel, thinking about my future direction.  After conversations with several people, I chose to return to Johnson City, TN over Knoxville, TN; Fallon, NV, or Los Angeles, CA. I have friends and family in all these locations, so any location would suit. All my belongings and my cats were with me. I had enough money to go anywhere in the country.

Sept 5, 2015,                             I arrived in JC, staying in a hotel. Was offered a rooming situation with Michelle J. for up to 10 weeks. 

November, 2015                        Took an apartment with Vic V. on Westwood St., off Barton. I got a job a Food City.

March, 2016                              Moved to a Senior Apartment complex. March 22, the car went down and I was on the bus until Sept 3.

April or May 2016                     My cousin Curtis Cullen Marshall, died suddenly. He was a year older than myself. I know his wife (widow) and son.

May 2016                                 I quit Food City. I was so disgusted by things that I couldn’t drive myself to go in anymore. I resigned myself to retirement.

May 17, 2016                            Published my book "Cat Urine Odor Solutions" – my second title.

May or June, 2016                     Curtis' mother, Martha Marshall, died suddenly.

July 23, 2016                             My cousin Greg and his long-term girlfriend, Kathy, finally married. It was a wedding we'd all looked forward to seeing.

Late August, 2016                     Greg's father Joseph Paton Marshall, passed. He was 94. He was the last remaining sibling of my father.

October 17, 2016                       Queenie passed. She was Beasley's favorite kitty-girl. Cancer of the liver. She just began to suffer that morning.

I have relied on other people, incorrect or incomplete information, and been shafted as a result. That part is up to me. I take responsibility for not asking the right questions. I don't always know the right questions to ask.

There are, however, many items on this list that I had no control over.

When things are falling apart, they are most likely falling together. 

When God cleans house, he is making room for something even better. 

I have to hold on to these little truths, or I'll lose my mind.

What the Drug Abuse Epidemic Costs Other Patients

OK, I admit it, I'm in recovery. So, yeah, I fall in part of this category.

BUT - since I've been in recovery many years, I also don't fall into this category. I now fall into the "regular, old fashioned patient" category.

Regular patients can't get quality medical care anymore.
I have some conditions that I watch. I don't have the disease, but my conditions are well enough advanced that I expect certain blood tests at least every six months. I can't get my doctor to order the tests. Simple things like blood sugar, weight and balance tests....

Doctors aren't being taught medicine. They aren't being taught to think. Maybe it's the insurance industry that messed everything up. I don't know - maybe the pharmaceutical industry.... It's like there's a pill for every ill, and if you aren't sick - actually exhibiting a disease, doctors don't know what to do anymore.

Since I moved to Tennessee, this is particularly evident. I'm used to world-class medical care. California, Lake Tahoe, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Reno....

But in East Tennessee, there is an epidemic of doctor-caused drug addiction. Opiate addiction, in particular. There is also a healthy weight-loss clinic business, which is uppers, downers, painkillers, HCG, and more.

The doctors around here have resigned themselves to patients who are looking for drugs. When they find someone who is interested in changing their life, changing their health, they - the doctors - either don't know what to do, or they get excited by the prospect of someone in their care actually getting better. Unfortunately, we have many more doctors of the former type than the latter. 

So, people like me, who pretty much know what is going on in their bodies, have an idea of what the protocols are, and are working to avoid developing worse conditions, are lost in the system - or not treated at all. I would love to find one of the doctors who get excited about someone getting better.

I had a doc in Knoxville who wouldn't touch me. Not even to check my glands or see how my reflexes were doing in my legs - which work, but have "issues" from past injuries. Maybe he didn't want to be a doctor. It was really strange.

Here, I have a female who will check me, listen to my heart and stuff, but she won't run the blood tests that I need run. I've asked for the tests and they still don't make it onto the orders.

I don't understand this new medicine. There are more specialists than ever, but nobody is practicing medicine. They are all sticking their heads in the sand. 

I'm not trying to game the system or commit insurance fraud. I'm not looking for drugs. I just want certain conditions watched so that they don't get any worse.

There are several medical colleges around this area - Duke being the best, Vanderbilt being next in line. Then there are state colleges like UT and ETSU. I'm sure there are others that I don't know about, since I'm relatively new - even after 12 years - to this area. There are pharmacy colleges, medical colleges, private and public universities. Why is medicine like this?

Maybe 15 years ago, things changed. I had a family practitioner who did everything. She watched my heart, blood pressure, did my pap smears and sent me for mammograms. When it was time for surgery she sent me to a surgeon to be evaluated. Not for surgery - just to see if it was warranted. True, she missed the asthma, but I never said anything about it, so how could she know? She told me to quit smoking, and I finally did a couple years before it was diagnosed.  

But today, good luck! If you find a doctor who will take the insurance you have (if you have any - even with the ACA, it is expensive) and has openings, you may not get quality medical care. Just because a doctor has the papers, doesn't mean they are any good. I've had burned out shells, doctors who won't touch me, doctors who will refer instead of treat, doctors with staff that were rude, and doctors who you can't even get in to see.

Therapists aren't much better. Drug addiction has caused a booming business in the therapy trade. Only it isn't real therapy. It's teaching coping skills to the uninitiated, and doling out head-meds for depression and anxiety to keep the patient under control. That isn't recovery. No more than suboxone is an answer for opiate addiction. It's just state-sponsored drug addiction - whether suboxone/methadone or head-meds. Same thing.

Finding someone who isn't interested in making their patient a zombie on meds - to help the patient find real healing and mental health - that's a therapist worth his or her weight in gold.

Medicine is a business, true. But it isn't a healing business anymore. I miss the hands-on people we used to have who practiced medicine.

So, even a person who is not addicted will have difficulty finding quality medical care. It's all because the addiction costs are so high. Burn out of physicians who might otherwise be quality caregivers, therapists only interested in what drugs one is on... It's a racket! And the poor patient is the loser.

Intuition - Shimon Perez Funeral

President Obama, Secretary of State John Kerry, and former President Bill Clinton are going to attend the funeral of Shimon Perez.

This gave me bad vibes last night after I heard they were going.
If John Kerry were killed, nothing bad would happen.
If President Obama were killed, Joe Biden would step up and finish the term for him.
If Bill Clinton were killed, it could shake Hillary badly and she might mess up in confronting Donald Trump - she might lash out at him for his thoughtless mouth. That could cost her the election. He's in grave danger...
Not Donald Trump - Bill Clinton.

Just need to document this someplace.

As always when I see something disturbing, I hope I'm wrong.

Housework, Preserving and Canning....

Well, it's that time of year. No matter what writing tasks I set myself, the seasons come upon me and I need to "deal with it."

This year, I've re-discovered the local farmers' market. It's about 4 blocks from my home, but I hadn't been there before. They were extremely generous when it came to the peppers. I needed 2 jalapeno peppers. I ended up with a lot of peppers - more than I knew what to do with.

The produce was amazing! I got grapes, a cantaloupe, some tomatoes, blueberries, peppers in profusion, cucumbers, and white peaches. The peaches turned in less than 3 days and I had to toss them. The only loss....

I've been using the blueberries in protein smoothies and eating the cantaloupe. The grapes are concords and have seeds. The skins are a little tough, but they are very sweet. Almost too sweet. I haven't eaten the cucumbers yet, but that's because no opportunity has presented itself. I keep wanting a salad and then cooking something instead. I'm baking off chickens today so I can eat caesar salad for supper tonight.

Here is the canned produce so far.
The jalapenos (2 small jars in the back) are just pureed with sugar. Don't ask me why - I don't know. I just know that's how it turned out. I removed the seeds before I processed them. The pickled peppers in the front small jar are red chiles and yellow banana peppers. The floating globs in the large jar on the right are 2 chiles in a slightly salty pickle and the tall red on the left is 8 peeled tomatoes, plain.

Peppers are a real pain to peel when you only have an electric stove! I used the broiler setting, but it wasn't very effective. And removing the seeds after - BOY! The capsaicin cleared out my lungs and I coughed a bit.  Even under running water.

I had to get some jars, of course. And by the time I got them, the quarts were gone. Only pint and half jars left. Oh well. I didn't have that size. I wanted some jelly jars, too, but decided against them. Glad I did that.

Housework - well, quarterly cleaning, of course!
Had to do the floors and stove, tub and bathroom, and pick up all the flying cat hair. The mess of cat hair is enough to make even the most hardened cat lover (me) have allergic sinuses. I went through 2 emptyings of the vacuum. I have only the living room rug (5x8) and a small rug (3x4) in the bedroom. But when they sleep on the rugs, cat hair just naturally sticks to the rugs....

As for writing, I finished the book I was reading and I have all the information filed and ready to use.  So, I turned the book in at the library. I guess I'm ready to write and write and write.

I've found other ways to avoid writing - like some crochet projects and an online multiple-player game. Like I need that distraction!

Oh well! The book will get finished when it's ready, I guess. As long as I write a little every day, I'm getting closer to the goal of finished.

How We Are Heard....

How am I heard when I speak to others?

Am I coming off like a "know it all?"
Or a "Grump?"
Am I critical of others?

I might just be really sensitive, but I have physical reactions to people and their comments.

Yesterday, I went to the store. I bought groceries and then went to the in-store bank to get a roll of quarters. While standing there waiting for my change, a store floorwalker/security person asked me to pay for my groceries. I went off on him - angrily stating "I Just Did!" and gave the poor guy flack. I showed my receipt and he apologized.

What did the bank teller think?

I realized within ten minutes that I'd behaved badly. I wanted to apologize, but the fellow wasn't around.

***

Where I live, we have quarterly inspections. It's actually one of the good things about this place because nothing breaks down for very long. But the manager is pretty picky about housekeeping, too.

I'm probably not the world's best housekeeper, but I'm not the worst, either. I had a mother who had her own version of "Mommie Dearest." In my case, it was being woken at 3am to wash all the dishes and pans in the house. My sister became OCD about housekeeping, while I became a slovenly mess.

That improved as I aged, but I'm comfortable in less than pristine surroundings - to an extent. I do keep the kitchen cleaned up and the floors swept. I put things away and hang up clothes. But I'm not going to worry about leaving books around or my purse out in the open. I live alone, and these things allow me to feel comfortable.

But I have a physical reaction to the manager's comments. I get angry and defensive.

I've learned that I need to absent myself from my dwelling during these inspections. I might say something in aggravation that could make life here unbearable or possibly even give her reason to evict me. It's a safety mechanism.

***

Then there was the time a woman was loudly complaining about a man she was divorcing and I mentioned that there was something she loved about him once, and to allow her aggravation and forgive herself while not tearing him up in front of their kid. The child was not present at the time.

I had heard her complaining more than once, and it seemed like she was stuck in her anger. I was tired of hearing it. While this doesn't excuse my behavior, at the time I felt I was saying the right thing.

***

So, how do our comments and opinions affect others?

I recognize that I have some pretty strange ideas and that I'm probably overly-sensitive. How do my ideas compare to others? What can I do differently?

Yesterday, I could have eaten before going shopping. Really, that's a good idea any time you grocery shop.

But how are my comments hurting others, and how are others comments hurting me?

***

In this political season, when everyone has an opinion, I've turned off my receptors online. But how do I do that offline in the real world? How do I ignore bad behavior and not react to it? And how do I stop behaving badly myself?

Comments, anyone?

Saying "Yes"

OK. I've been thinking about this for a LONG time, and the Universe got behind me and provided the coach I needed. I'm starting a training program for Triathlons. Not that I intend to compete, but I want to change my body and my outlook. I've always stopped myself before.

A friend turned out to have been in the same health position I find myself in -without the injuries, which is nice for her - and she turned it around about 9 months ago. Yep, A1c of 7.0+, fasting sugars in the 300s (both my numbers are lower) and weight creeping up. She and I both have sympathetic doctors and have not been "diagnosed" as diabetic. So that's a blessing of a sort...

She began training and lost the weight. She dropped her sugars and A1c to "normal" ranges. She's agreed to coach me into health using the Triathlon training model. 

There's a training model "Couch to -" which takes the subject from a couch potato to competing in some sport - whether it's a 5K or a Triathlon, or even Olympic sports... We are using the "Couch to Triathlon" model found at the Couch to Sprint Triathlon website. It's a simple, accelerated program. 

Since the "competition season" just ended, I'll have nearly a year to get into shape for my first competition - IF I choose to do so. 

I'll post updates as I progress. First is to get into the rhythm of doing it.

My first exercise is going to the pool and swimming 100 meters. I got signed up today. I don't have a suit that fits, but I have a form-fitting tank with a sportsbra and cotton swimming shorts. That will have to do.

A friend has offered me her bike, so I can ride the Tweetsie Trail as part of my biking requirement. I also have a stationary bike in the apartment building I can use.  

As for the Running - well... Doctor England, my knee doctor, doesn't want me on a treadmill. I don't intend to run on this knee, either. So, I'll "speed walk" as best I can to get my hips moving. That will be on the concrete sidewalks around here and the Tweetsie Trail. 

I've mentioned the Tweetsie Trail. This is one of the "rails to trails" projects found in the southeast, and is a pleasant little trail between Johnson City and Elizabethton, TN. It's gravel, packed dirt and concrete. I think there might even be some asphalt patches. It's been popular since it was completed. I live near the Appalachian Trail, so it may become possible that through this training I can hike some of it later on.  

Well, that's the news. Hope I don't disappoint myself by my results. I also hope I can keep up the training and don't flake on myself. I have a LOT of fear about this. Most of the fear has to do with body-image stuff. I get emotional and eat to keep myself heavy so that I don't feel "sexy" and attract men. That is why most of the "diet programs" I've tried haven't worked. There is a lot of emotional baggage that I carry which needs to be worked through. 

Having my coach will help. I have someone I'm accountable to. I have another woman I can talk to about the emotional issues. And truly, both these women can help me with the emotional baggage. I trust them. I also need to trust myself. At times, there WILL be tears. It's OK to cry and go through the pain. It's always better having been through it, when I come out the other side. The issues I'm dealing with are the biggest issues of my life. These are the things that have held me back over and over again. 

How does all this tie back to my book? Well, it's all about Type 2 Diabetes. A body that is overweight has a much higher chance of becoming diabetic. I'm severely at risk. The best example I can provide my readers is a successful outcome. 

Survivor-Speak

I was going to leave it alone. I really was...

BUT....

Do you have any idea how bad it feels to know that people blame you for being raped when you had nothing to do with it? What about this-- The first time I was molested, I was 18 months old. 18 months!

How in hell can a child, 18 months old, be held responsible for the actions of an adult?? How can a child 18 months old be blamed for being molested? What ADULT in their right mind would do such a thing?

So, this is going to be a rant, so get over it.

Children have no say in the actions of adults. We have been advocating teaching children, who should be living carefree lives and learning how to use their bodies and minds - to protect themselves against ADULTS who should know better....

This didn't even start to be talked about until the last 20 years. It's been going on forever....

At least that's what it feels like to me.

I used to feel so bad about myself, thinking I was the only one, and "if they only knew" and "I'm worthless because of" and "nobody cares" and a whole lot worse - constantly.

A while ago, I finally opened up about it. Cautiously at first, with therapists, then a partner. The partner got all weird and it ended the relationship. After that, I stopped talking again.

Later, I started sharing it a little bit - with trusted women friends - and always with therapists. Then, I "came out" to my family about the abuse. Not the family I lived with because they already knew, but the extended family that cared about me and couldn't understand why I was so self-destructive.

Then, I came out kind of publicly - in a group of adopted family that had members who experienced the same kinds of things. That made it safer for me to expand my reach, to be willing to share this with others.

When I went to college - between the ages of 55-60 mind you, I "came out" to my teachers about my abuse because some of the exercises and readings triggered really bad memories for me and I acted out or refused to do them. To protect my grades, I had to let them know why I couldn't do the work. My GPA overall was 3.34. I'd say sharing the information helped. I had to drop one class after talking with the professor because everything we read seemed to trigger me. I loved the professor, and I wanted to excel in his class, but I was getting worse and worse.

Self-protection, not self-destruction.

So, telling you, my readers about my history in this way is a form of self-protection. I may be ridiculed, taunted and some of you may unsubscribe. But the bigger issue is that there are MILLIONS of survivors out there. Many of them will never open up about their experience.

I hope these posts help someone who feels as bad about herself as I used to. Maybe she will tell someone and get better because of it.

It eats at your soul. I know this....

Open up, come clean about your experience to someone. Then someone else, and then someone else. The more we speak up, the less we will hate ourselves for something we had no control over. The more we speak up, the more we heal. The more we speak up, the more someone else will find the courage to heal.

Rape, molestation, -- these are violations of the body and the soul.  There's been a lot more public notice of this in the past 4-5 years, but many women my age will never speak about it. It's time it was made public so the world can heal and stop doing this to each other.



 

Original "Star Trek" Episode and Rape

One of my little pleasures in life is watching the original Star Trek episodes on Saturday night. We have a local station (ME-TV) that carries it, and I sit down on Saturday night to my dinner and watch it before the late movies come on.

This week, the episode was where Kirk, Chekov and Uhura were on the transporter platform and were abducted to a planet many light years away. They were imprisoned on a world where gladiatorial contests were the norm for the humanoid slaves captured from around the universe. They wore neck collars and wagering was done on several outcomes by "the providers" who ran things.

One way to "increase" the combatants was to interbreed them. Shortly after Kirk and the others arrived, Uhura was "chosen" by a barbarian from this planet. The scene was tastefully done, but the screams and noises made it clear she was being raped.

Obviously, there was nothing Uhura could have done to prevent it, even though she fought back. Kirk and Chekov were in separate cells, down the corridor. Kirk objected, but could not reach Uhura to protect her. The barbarian straightened his clothes as he left. Uhura was dressed as always, not a hair out of place and her makeup was as always. Kirk asked her if she was "OK" afterwards, and she nodded. She NODDED!

She was NOT OK!

No mention of this incident by Kirk when he confronted the providers and reasoned for their release. No mention of Uhura's trauma to Bones when they returned to the ship. Nothing.

This episode triggered an episode of PTSD in me. As a youngster, I was molested. I was raped in my teens several times. Once, I was gang-raped at knifepoint. Once, I was abducted and raped. Los Angeles was NOT a nice place to grow up, but since I didn't know anywhere else, I lived through it. The first time I was raped, at 14, I reported it. I never reported another rape. As for the molester -  let's say that Stockholm Syndrome won the day until long after he'd died.

I was NOT OK!

Recovery from all this is an ongoing process. I have PTSD from it. It messes with my relationships - especially my male-female relationships. The trauma informs my writing and my determination to be more than a  survivor.

I wish that there had been a warning at the beginning of the Star Trek episode. I might not have watched it and saved myself the bad dreams, lost sleep, and "checking out" that I did for two days.

Yes, I checked out of my life for two days. I ate things that I know to be bad for me. I didn't talk about it. I didn't know how to talk about it. I didn't know who to talk with. I didn't even realize that I'd been triggered.

I finally realized all this early this morning when my dreams finally came, and I saw the terrible truth of all this.

Now, I can take care of myself again.
Now, I can forgive myself again.

It was NOT my fault. My body is mine. No one is allowed to touch me without my permission.
No hugs, handshakes, kisses on the cheek....
Nothing.

Venues- Looking for an Agent, Reading and Writing

There are more venues to submit work than ever these days. I found something called "authors.me" and submitted my project. I had to build a profile, then input the project. Then, I set it for "discovery" by agents.

I asked a friend and she said it was a giant slush pile for authors to submit to in hopes of finding an agent or publisher. I'm not sure how good those are. The agents and publishers have to take the active step of looking for projects, instead of sending a project targeted to the agent based on their genre and submission guidelines.

Then there's "agentquery.com," which helps to find an agent in your genre. I've been through that database a few times.  It's a good place to look and it's free. There's an option for a paid membership, but I use the free one.

And the next option is "querytracker.com" which is really helpful. After going through the agent query site, you find the agent on query tracker when you submit to them and you set a reminder for how long to wait till you move on. It's really helpful to keep me from submitting the same project to the same agent over and over again.

However, I DO have one agent I submit to every time I have a project. She's working in the same genres that I am. Actually, I found another one recently, so there are now two people who get a submission each time I have a project nearing completion.

That's the trick, don't submit an unfinished project.

I also found two of the three reviewers I need for this project. I still need another reviewer. I'm looking for a doctor in endocrinology or internal medicine who is willing to read it - and then make a comment for the book jacket. He or she must be respected in the field. Alternative medicine is OK. So, if you know of someone, send them here - I'll check for comments.

The next idea is to break out some of the content from the book and make it into articles for magazines and websites and publish them. Getting a publishing credential in the field is always a good thing when looking for an agent.

On the writing front itself, I've renamed the book. I may rename it again. I branched out into another section - I keep doing that....

I decided to check for articles on how alcoholism affects blood sugar and insulin resistance. Of course, there are only a few studies, but enough that I know I'm on the right track. The book may trigger some new studies being done, which would be a good thing.

We know that alcohol is metabolized as sugar. We also know that too much sugar builds into insulin resistance, which triggers the beginnings of pre-diabetes. So, I'm making a leap into that territory. I'm not sure how much of this I'll include, yet, but there will be a section on it.

On the reading front - I've found a new author I can't get enough of - Margaret Coel. She writes the way I wish I could. She built her world, found two unforgettable, very real characters, and they face challenges and interpersonal growth in each book. I love it!

Living Broke in a Cashless Economy

I never had money. I've never been wealthy. I didn't have much growing up, and I still don't.

Lately, however, I'm finding it harder and harder to get along. The world seems more expensive and the old ways of barter are harder to follow in a digital economy.

Cash is almost non-existent. I need coins for busfare, but I can get a bus pass and eliminate that, too. Getting rides from folks isn't that hard, but is a hassle and I have to listen to their judgments on my life because I asked for a ride.

Getting things done, well, sometimes it's a pain, other times it isn't so bad. Stuff costs money. Medicine, laundry (unless I hand-wash), and toilet paper. All costs money. I can get food for free. Anyone can - just call up the local food bank. But pet food is rarely included. That costs money.

Shelter isn't hard to find. I just have to keep my nose clean, pay my bills (money) and be a decent neighbor (noise and dirt).

It just seems harder and harder to do all this. My income hasn't gone up for over 2 years. Meanwhile, groceries have increased in costs by over 17%.

I got a notice that my anti-virus software was going to charge me for renewal and I didn't decide what to do about it before it did. So, for two months, I'm overdrawn at the bank, paying for it.

Other stuff I can just cancel or stop. But the anti-virus - I actually forgot about it, and because I didn't cancel it, my bank account got dinged.

There is free anti-virus software available. Avast is a good one. 

I'm finally in a decent living situation where there isn't a lot of hassle, no drugs, no bugs, and a responsive maintenance team.  After 3 years of living in nasty slum-like conditions, I'm actually blessed there. I don't get molested on the way to my apartment, and the neighborhood is pretty safe.

Utilities are included in my rent. So that isn't too bad.

Still, without my income going up, and the costs of everything else skyrocketing, it's tough.

No wonder people hate living on social security!

To any young folks who read this - those still working - SAVE FOR RETIREMENT!

Really! Don't touch it when life gets tough. I did. I went through all my retirement savings because "the system" required that I had no resources before it would help me. That meant no food stamps or health care assistance unless I went through my retirement accounts.

These days, they don't require that - but the funds have to be in a retirement account or 401K account that is controlled by someone else. If it's in a savings account, they count that as assets and require you to spend it down.

Home ownership can hurt you, too. That's something they don't tell you. It's an asset. You can take a loan out against it - even if the interest on the loan is much higher than you pay for the mortgage. That doesn't matter.

It's all geared so that those with money can keep it and those without never get any.

You see, I'm living below the poverty line - like half of the poverty line. I could double my income and still be barely above poverty.

Truth!

I guess I just wanted to gripe. I've been trying so hard to cut costs and stay on top of things, that I feel exhausted by it.

And I'm angry because no matter what I do, I seem to fall farther behind.

And I'm pissed that I'm overdrawn again. It's been an entire year, just trying to get - and stay - in the black.