I was going to leave it alone. I really was...
BUT....
Do you have any idea how bad it feels to know that people blame you for being raped when you had nothing to do with it? What about this-- The first time I was molested, I was 18 months old. 18 months!
How in hell can a child, 18 months old, be held responsible for the actions of an adult?? How can a child 18 months old be blamed for being molested? What ADULT in their right mind would do such a thing?
So, this is going to be a rant, so get over it.
Children have no say in the actions of adults. We have been advocating teaching children, who should be living carefree lives and learning how to use their bodies and minds - to protect themselves against ADULTS who should know better....
This didn't even start to be talked about until the last 20 years. It's been going on forever....
At least that's what it feels like to me.
I used to feel so bad about myself, thinking I was the only one, and "if they only knew" and "I'm worthless because of" and "nobody cares" and a whole lot worse - constantly.
A while ago, I finally opened up about it. Cautiously at first, with therapists, then a partner. The partner got all weird and it ended the relationship. After that, I stopped talking again.
Later, I started sharing it a little bit - with trusted women friends - and always with therapists. Then, I "came out" to my family about the abuse. Not the family I lived with because they already knew, but the extended family that cared about me and couldn't understand why I was so self-destructive.
Then, I came out kind of publicly - in a group of adopted family that had members who experienced the same kinds of things. That made it safer for me to expand my reach, to be willing to share this with others.
When I went to college - between the ages of 55-60 mind you, I "came out" to my teachers about my abuse because some of the exercises and readings triggered really bad memories for me and I acted out or refused to do them. To protect my grades, I had to let them know why I couldn't do the work. My GPA overall was 3.34. I'd say sharing the information helped. I had to drop one class after talking with the professor because everything we read seemed to trigger me. I loved the professor, and I wanted to excel in his class, but I was getting worse and worse.
Self-protection, not self-destruction.
So, telling you, my readers about my history in this way is a form of self-protection. I may be ridiculed, taunted and some of you may unsubscribe. But the bigger issue is that there are MILLIONS of survivors out there. Many of them will never open up about their experience.
I hope these posts help someone who feels as bad about herself as I used to. Maybe she will tell someone and get better because of it.
It eats at your soul. I know this....
Open up, come clean about your experience to someone. Then someone else, and then someone else. The more we speak up, the less we will hate ourselves for something we had no control over. The more we speak up, the more we heal. The more we speak up, the more someone else will find the courage to heal.
Rape, molestation, -- these are violations of the body and the soul. There's been a lot more public notice of this in the past 4-5 years, but many women my age will never speak about it. It's time it was made public so the world can heal and stop doing this to each other.
BUT....
Do you have any idea how bad it feels to know that people blame you for being raped when you had nothing to do with it? What about this-- The first time I was molested, I was 18 months old. 18 months!
How in hell can a child, 18 months old, be held responsible for the actions of an adult?? How can a child 18 months old be blamed for being molested? What ADULT in their right mind would do such a thing?
So, this is going to be a rant, so get over it.
Children have no say in the actions of adults. We have been advocating teaching children, who should be living carefree lives and learning how to use their bodies and minds - to protect themselves against ADULTS who should know better....
This didn't even start to be talked about until the last 20 years. It's been going on forever....
At least that's what it feels like to me.
I used to feel so bad about myself, thinking I was the only one, and "if they only knew" and "I'm worthless because of" and "nobody cares" and a whole lot worse - constantly.
A while ago, I finally opened up about it. Cautiously at first, with therapists, then a partner. The partner got all weird and it ended the relationship. After that, I stopped talking again.
Later, I started sharing it a little bit - with trusted women friends - and always with therapists. Then, I "came out" to my family about the abuse. Not the family I lived with because they already knew, but the extended family that cared about me and couldn't understand why I was so self-destructive.
Then, I came out kind of publicly - in a group of adopted family that had members who experienced the same kinds of things. That made it safer for me to expand my reach, to be willing to share this with others.
When I went to college - between the ages of 55-60 mind you, I "came out" to my teachers about my abuse because some of the exercises and readings triggered really bad memories for me and I acted out or refused to do them. To protect my grades, I had to let them know why I couldn't do the work. My GPA overall was 3.34. I'd say sharing the information helped. I had to drop one class after talking with the professor because everything we read seemed to trigger me. I loved the professor, and I wanted to excel in his class, but I was getting worse and worse.
Self-protection, not self-destruction.
So, telling you, my readers about my history in this way is a form of self-protection. I may be ridiculed, taunted and some of you may unsubscribe. But the bigger issue is that there are MILLIONS of survivors out there. Many of them will never open up about their experience.
I hope these posts help someone who feels as bad about herself as I used to. Maybe she will tell someone and get better because of it.
It eats at your soul. I know this....
Open up, come clean about your experience to someone. Then someone else, and then someone else. The more we speak up, the less we will hate ourselves for something we had no control over. The more we speak up, the more we heal. The more we speak up, the more someone else will find the courage to heal.
Rape, molestation, -- these are violations of the body and the soul. There's been a lot more public notice of this in the past 4-5 years, but many women my age will never speak about it. It's time it was made public so the world can heal and stop doing this to each other.
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