Whew!!!

I'm nearing the end of crazy packing. Crazy packing is when you pack stuff you probably need to use in the next week, but you can't be sure, but you know it needs to move so you pack it anyway....

And then, there is the stuff you KNOW you will need and need to hold it out till the Very-Last-Minute - and My, Oh My - ALL THIS STUFF needs to be packed at the last minute!

So, It's kind of crazy right now. I've been through the piles of stuff, know whats there, and now just need to be sure I have enough boxes to make it.

I emptied out the car into the house, so now I have room for stuff and people in the car! What a joy that is... I'll be able to move the cats, because now there is enough room for the carriers in the car! Not to mention the litter boxes, food and so on...

On the lighter side, I got to shop for the house yesterday...

I got the mail box post, house numbers, and the trash can. Very important stuff, and I can't move without having them...

I got the shower rods and shower curtains, curtain rods for all 6 of the big windows, the fire extinguisher, and some towels for the bathroom that will be "public" and needs nice towels...

It was a nice break from the packing craziness.

I still need a lot more "stuff" but this is a good start. I looked at the curtains, but didn't have enough $$ to get them at that moment. I've budgeted about $100/month for the house, and it will go for curtains right off. I have 2 blinds, one each for the bedroom and office. That will have to do for now.

I didn't blog at the time of the Dedication, on Sept 23. It was wonderful. I guess I posted it elsewhere, so didn't put it here, too.

Gouffon Moving is coming at 8am on Monday, October 5. The computers have to be offline and packed into the car before that, so I'll probably move the cats on Oct 4, and take the computers offline the same day.

Almost done!

The house is almost done! I got some plants put in from my "Covenant Partner." There's a white Crape Myrtle tree (yes, correct spelling), an Oak tree, 2 Knockout Roses, and 4 butterfly bushes.

Habitat has corporate and church groups that "Covenant" to work with a home owner to build their home. These folks provide people and money to get the job done. Some groups donate furniture or appliances, others donate only their time and money. Some groups donate landscaping, like my group did.

The "Dedication" is next, on Sept 23, at 2:30pm. This is when I get a symbolic (or real) key for the house, and the house is blessed. I'm given a certificate from KUB for a tree, there is a 50% off certificate for one shopping trip at the Thrift Store (bring a truck and plenty of money, so I can get all the things I need), the home library (like I need *more* books!) a Family Bible (that will be nice) and any gifts that folks want to donate.

The carpet is a little lighter than I expected, and it's out-gassing a lot from the adhesive and chemical process. If it's this bad for me, what will it be like for the cats, who are that much closer to the floor? I'm a little concerned about that. I'll go and vacuum the carpet, wash the floors and so on, in the next couple of days. The appliances are expected tomorrow, so between tomorrow night and Wednesday afternoon, I'll be cleaning a lot.

I figure I'll be a blubbering idiot, crying at the drop of a hat, during the ceremony. My friend and Pastor is coming from Johnson City/Gray Tennessee, and we expect him to be be adding blessings. I don't know how many of my Program Friends will be there. I hope quite a few.

My neighbor is feeling my "wall" and commented on it. I'm getting the impression that she doesn't have a lot of friends, but I can't be her lifeline. I have a life of my own that is very full. Sometimes, over-full! I'm willing to be neighborly, but not glued at the hip.

Well, I have paperwork to do, so I'll get on it...

Feel Like I'm Losing a Friend....

I have a friend who promises and never follows through. This time, it was a little more serious. Not life-threatening, but it still messed up my schedule, so I need to deal with this...

She said she would come over and help pack - or at least help me pack my stuff by directing me into the next area. I'm still pretty overwhelmed by all the junk I have!

So, I went about my morning, expecting to see her in the afternoon. I got home, and there was a message - she had an appointment that would take about 1 1/2 hours. OK, so I waited and just went about housework, nothing big. I called just before she was due to get out, to confirm that I was waiting and to call me when she was ready.

I never heard from her.

Now the thing about this is, I could have used the afternoon to do a big chore, like laundry, to pack my clothes, to pack the kitchen or whatever. But not hearing from her, I'm now behind my schedule. I waited. I hoped. I considered her and accommodated her. Not hearing from her was not considerate.

I don't expect the moon. I just expect to be kept in the loop. I have enough people not calling me back when I've called them. When I've made plans based on the assumption that they were involved - and they are the only other persons involved, it messes up my thinking and my schedule. I can do something else, if I know that person won't be involved.

This isn't the first time she's done this. I think that she genuinely wants to be friends, but she has a problem. It's called alcoholism. She's drinking on and off.

I'm afraid I'm losing her. I can't be her sponsor and her friend - she doesn't want that. I can't stop her from drinking. All I can do is try to be here for her. But I have to protect myself also. And right now, this type of behavior is very disruptive. I have enough going on without her behaviors.

I'm afraid I'll lose her before the dust settles.

We're number 37 worldwide

A little ditty for your enjoyment! NO!!! Sad but true...


HEY, WHY DO YOU THINK I'M ALWAYS BASHING OUR US HEALTHCARE SYSTEM??????

The Way I Was...

I've been fortunate to connect with a person I knew many years ago. I didn't know him very well, and I'm trying to be more of a friend now. However, remembering the way I was is disturbing.

I was not a nice person. I was in such a self-involved haze! Not so much drug-induced, as just checking out of life by thought processes. I wanted out of what was going on so bad, that I hardly saw what was going on around me. If someone didn't serve my immediate need - what was in front of me at the moment - I pretty much ignored them. Not the nicest way to go about things.

And of course, telling the intervening 30 years of history has been interesting, too. How to condense the history of a life into short sound bites. "I got hurt and lived in pain for 22 years" doesn't begin to tell the story of the hell it was. The financial, emotional and physical hell. Not being able to hold a job because of physical discomfort; not having health insurance to deal with the injury or seek treatment because I couldn't hold a job; not having funds to live on because I was always between jobs. The way I used people because of the pain, lack of money and no health care. The way I used drugs, booze and fantasy, to handle the pain. And the feeling of low self-worth because I was useless, in pain, and broke all the time.

All because "I bent over one day and couldn't stand up again." No car wreck to sue an insurance company or driver, no job-related injury. Just a simple movement we do everyday. I bent over and couldn't stand up again.

Even now, the thought of it makes me cry. 22 years of lost income, lost opportunity, and self-involvement.

Packing!

I'm still packing. I got under the sink in the kitchen tonight. I found my PUR water filter that wouldn't fit on the fixtures here - I can't wait to put it in my new home!

I've had my typical side-pain again today. It hurts so bad, I want to cry, but there is nothing there - at least they haven't found anything yet. I think I'm going to request an ultrasound, x-rays and maybe a CT-scan. Something IS wrong. People shouldn't hurt as a general part of their day. We completely missed the gallbladder mess because of this. It had to burst on Jan 2, 2002, before it was identified. And I still have the pain! But all the testing I just had run didn't show anything, so it's not the obvious.

I went to clean the house again today. I discovered that there is no water to the bathroom sink in the master suite. I don't know why, but that isn't my concern. And they guaranteed me that the shed would be moved. I also found a ding or 2 in the tub that need to be addressed.

My neighbor, bless her heart, came running over as soon as she saw my car, of course. She is getting to be a real pest.

I found a nightshade plant growing next to the porch - don't know if it's tomato or potato. The nightshade family, for sure. The leaves were right for it. It will probably be cut up and dug under when the "Knock out rose" shows up on that corner of the porch. I get one for each corner. I get a white crape myrtle, and some butterfly bushes. I get a red or white oak, too.

I found the blueberry bushes! I went to the farmer's market yesterday and there was a guy with herbs and 4 types of locally grown blueberry bushes. That will be cool.

I don't know what I'm doing awake at this hour. I finished packing for tonight, took a shower and started thinking about how to pack the bathroom. Maybe that's it - my mind is going a mile a minute.

I made some mistakes at work this week. My brain has been off in la-la land for about 2 weeks, and it's catching up with me. I've tried to rest, to recharge, but it isn't working. Thank goodness there is only another 3 1/2 weeks on this side of the move!

God Bless you all...,

Political Griping and Energy

You know, if the government elected persons put HALF the energy they use to slam, dig, object, contradict and otherwise oppose the party in power, into getting along, finding a way to make the government work and working out a solution instead of blocking every effort, this country would be GREAT again!

What a disgusting display!

No time or Napping...

Phew! What a day! No time for napping, but at least I'm still upright.

Work is cool today. Not too busy, not too slow. Enough to keep me thinking.

The headlight wasn't too bad, financially. I'm glad that's done. I turned in another 52 - 1/2 hours on my total, so by MY totals, I'm way over the 500 for the house. We'll see what they say after they are all computed.

I didn't get back with the insurance guy. I still need to do that...

So many little things!

I got to the Farmers Market today! Found a cool guy with beef by the side, so I can get the ribs I like.

And there was another guy there with some of the plants I'll need for the garden - Blueberries, anyways. And the herbs, Rosemary, Mint and Lavender.

Recharged - Sort of NOT!

I've done a lot of resting, and even forgot to eat most of yesterday. I keep falling asleep at the oddest times!

I packed another 6 boxes last night, after I took my bedtime meds. I ate a couple pieces of chicken when I realized I hadn't eaten all day and now was attempting to do some physical work. Amazing how I can forget to eat and still be this heavy...

Anyway, the pain in my side I've decided must be a hernia or something. The Colonoscopy didn't find anything wrong on the inside, so I'll just have to learn to live with it. I leaned in the car a couple of days ago, and it's been hurting ever since.

I cleared up the stuff in my desks last night. I organized and cleared clutter. I'm at the point of packing the most urgent items - the current bills, stamps, and so on. Most of the office supplies are packed, and all the disks and CDs.

I packed a bit more on the bookshelves - stuff I hadn't figured out how to pack before. I still don't know that it's going the right way, but the stuff is in boxes, and that's the most important thing.

I'm not sure how I want to handle the food - the flours, teas and stuff on the top shelf. It needs to be packed, but I don't want to give the mice or roaches something to eat, so maybe a plastic bin or 2? I'll have to get more of them. Maybe I should toss the flours? I haven't been able to bake for over a year. That means that all the flours, except the soy flour that I store in the fridge, is pretty old and maybe already feeding little critters.

I also need to get the attic cleared out and get rid of some items that I no longer want/need. A thrift store trip is in my future. Man! I'm so tired and the car is so messy already.

Oh yeah! That's another thing. The left headlight had to be replaced last month, now the right one is out. That's something for today that I can't put off. I put new belts, new front tires, fixed the trunk lock and the left headlight. The car still needs an oil change and front brake pads. My funds are limited right now, though, so maybe later this month?

When I get back from my "stuff" today, I'm napping! I'll get the headlight fixed, go to a meeting, and then come home - clear out the inbox, and naptime! My favorite time of day!

***

One nice thing - the fleas have given up the ghost! I'll have to spray again mid-week next week, but for the most part, they've gone. The cats have stopped scratching, and the fleas have stopped hopping onto me. It was a bad 24 hours when the cats first got their drops!

I'm Worn Out!

I feel like I've been taking care of other people's needs all week. I finally shut down last night. I mean shut down. I started refusing phone calls, invitaitons, conversations, friendships, pleas for help, and just folks saying "hi." I'm just tired out.

I feel like I've been pulled in a dozen different directions this past week. I feel like my insides are raw. I just need about 36 hours of peace.

When I get worn out like this, my boundaries begin to discintegrate, and people walk all over my needs, my desires and my life. I can't defend myself. The only defense is to check out. I saw it coming, so I didn't have to be nasty to anyone, but man! I'm so tired.

I didn't even know what day it was for several days running. I couldn't keep the calendar straight. I missed my meds one day. I had so much junk going on that I got emotional and melted down a couple of times.

Most folks don't even recognize when this is happening in me. I have such a cool, calm, controlled demeanor. I keep an iron lid on my emotions.

For instance...

I needed to do some laundry - so I packed it into the car, checked the soap and headed to the store for more. I got to the store, picked up the soap, and tried to open the trunk to put the soap in with the clothes. The trunk wouldn't open.

I drove over to my new mechanic, he took out the back seat, the bracing, the laundry in the trunk and finally popped the lock. A broken piece of plastic in the lock was the problem. So, he replaced it, put everything back and off I went.

The check I wrote bounced. I forgot about the monthly service charge because I didn't know what day/date it was. I moved money to the account, but the check didn't come through again, and now I have to track it down to collect it.

Example 2...

My landlady showed up unexpected and wanted to chide me about her air conditioner that is leaking water so bad that the outside of the building is soaked. There is mold growing in the window frame in the apartment below me. My landlady wants me to use my towels to soak up the water. I'll give you a hint - I don't have enough towels to do that for one day, much less the rest of the season. And she doesn't pay for laundry or provide facilities. But it's somehow my fault that her air conditioner is old, moldy, full of god knows what, and leaks water. Bullshit! I'm not enabling her behaviors. She needs to spend the money on the building instead of whatever she's spending it on, and replace the air conditioners. She didn't bring her keys, so I had to stick around to lock up - and I was running late for...

A friend, whom I love, hurt herself and can't drive right now. She needed a trip to the chiropractor early in the week - it was a 5 hour expedition. Later in the week, she was out of groceries, and her credit card had been lost, so she needed to pay a bill in person. It was only 3 hours, but I was late for something else, and totally forgot about it. I wandered around K-Mart intending to get cat litter, and then saw the lines. I left empty-handed about an hour after I arrived, and got home. There was a message on the machine for the dinner I'd agreed to a week ago. I'm driving, they are buying. So, I quickly cleared up the inbox and ran.

An entire afternoon blown to hell. I need to pack. I need to nap. I wake up with a headache every single day in this place. I can't handle the heat and the only A/C is the unit in my bedroom. I don't sleep well here, so I nap in the afternoon, after I've done my major bits of work. Then, I clear up when I wake up and pack till bedtime.

My schedule is blown. My life feels like a shambles. Moving is a bitch! But all these extra distractions are more than I can handle. And I need more meetings to keep me centered. Ain't gonna happen until I'm moved to the house...

Late last night, another distraction called - it was after 10pm. I told her it was too late to call. She pouted, too bad. I'm over it. That's another situation for another entry...