Intuition - Shimon Perez Funeral

President Obama, Secretary of State John Kerry, and former President Bill Clinton are going to attend the funeral of Shimon Perez.

This gave me bad vibes last night after I heard they were going.
If John Kerry were killed, nothing bad would happen.
If President Obama were killed, Joe Biden would step up and finish the term for him.
If Bill Clinton were killed, it could shake Hillary badly and she might mess up in confronting Donald Trump - she might lash out at him for his thoughtless mouth. That could cost her the election. He's in grave danger...
Not Donald Trump - Bill Clinton.

Just need to document this someplace.

As always when I see something disturbing, I hope I'm wrong.

Housework, Preserving and Canning....

Well, it's that time of year. No matter what writing tasks I set myself, the seasons come upon me and I need to "deal with it."

This year, I've re-discovered the local farmers' market. It's about 4 blocks from my home, but I hadn't been there before. They were extremely generous when it came to the peppers. I needed 2 jalapeno peppers. I ended up with a lot of peppers - more than I knew what to do with.

The produce was amazing! I got grapes, a cantaloupe, some tomatoes, blueberries, peppers in profusion, cucumbers, and white peaches. The peaches turned in less than 3 days and I had to toss them. The only loss....

I've been using the blueberries in protein smoothies and eating the cantaloupe. The grapes are concords and have seeds. The skins are a little tough, but they are very sweet. Almost too sweet. I haven't eaten the cucumbers yet, but that's because no opportunity has presented itself. I keep wanting a salad and then cooking something instead. I'm baking off chickens today so I can eat caesar salad for supper tonight.

Here is the canned produce so far.
The jalapenos (2 small jars in the back) are just pureed with sugar. Don't ask me why - I don't know. I just know that's how it turned out. I removed the seeds before I processed them. The pickled peppers in the front small jar are red chiles and yellow banana peppers. The floating globs in the large jar on the right are 2 chiles in a slightly salty pickle and the tall red on the left is 8 peeled tomatoes, plain.

Peppers are a real pain to peel when you only have an electric stove! I used the broiler setting, but it wasn't very effective. And removing the seeds after - BOY! The capsaicin cleared out my lungs and I coughed a bit.  Even under running water.

I had to get some jars, of course. And by the time I got them, the quarts were gone. Only pint and half jars left. Oh well. I didn't have that size. I wanted some jelly jars, too, but decided against them. Glad I did that.

Housework - well, quarterly cleaning, of course!
Had to do the floors and stove, tub and bathroom, and pick up all the flying cat hair. The mess of cat hair is enough to make even the most hardened cat lover (me) have allergic sinuses. I went through 2 emptyings of the vacuum. I have only the living room rug (5x8) and a small rug (3x4) in the bedroom. But when they sleep on the rugs, cat hair just naturally sticks to the rugs....

As for writing, I finished the book I was reading and I have all the information filed and ready to use.  So, I turned the book in at the library. I guess I'm ready to write and write and write.

I've found other ways to avoid writing - like some crochet projects and an online multiple-player game. Like I need that distraction!

Oh well! The book will get finished when it's ready, I guess. As long as I write a little every day, I'm getting closer to the goal of finished.

How We Are Heard....

How am I heard when I speak to others?

Am I coming off like a "know it all?"
Or a "Grump?"
Am I critical of others?

I might just be really sensitive, but I have physical reactions to people and their comments.

Yesterday, I went to the store. I bought groceries and then went to the in-store bank to get a roll of quarters. While standing there waiting for my change, a store floorwalker/security person asked me to pay for my groceries. I went off on him - angrily stating "I Just Did!" and gave the poor guy flack. I showed my receipt and he apologized.

What did the bank teller think?

I realized within ten minutes that I'd behaved badly. I wanted to apologize, but the fellow wasn't around.

***

Where I live, we have quarterly inspections. It's actually one of the good things about this place because nothing breaks down for very long. But the manager is pretty picky about housekeeping, too.

I'm probably not the world's best housekeeper, but I'm not the worst, either. I had a mother who had her own version of "Mommie Dearest." In my case, it was being woken at 3am to wash all the dishes and pans in the house. My sister became OCD about housekeeping, while I became a slovenly mess.

That improved as I aged, but I'm comfortable in less than pristine surroundings - to an extent. I do keep the kitchen cleaned up and the floors swept. I put things away and hang up clothes. But I'm not going to worry about leaving books around or my purse out in the open. I live alone, and these things allow me to feel comfortable.

But I have a physical reaction to the manager's comments. I get angry and defensive.

I've learned that I need to absent myself from my dwelling during these inspections. I might say something in aggravation that could make life here unbearable or possibly even give her reason to evict me. It's a safety mechanism.

***

Then there was the time a woman was loudly complaining about a man she was divorcing and I mentioned that there was something she loved about him once, and to allow her aggravation and forgive herself while not tearing him up in front of their kid. The child was not present at the time.

I had heard her complaining more than once, and it seemed like she was stuck in her anger. I was tired of hearing it. While this doesn't excuse my behavior, at the time I felt I was saying the right thing.

***

So, how do our comments and opinions affect others?

I recognize that I have some pretty strange ideas and that I'm probably overly-sensitive. How do my ideas compare to others? What can I do differently?

Yesterday, I could have eaten before going shopping. Really, that's a good idea any time you grocery shop.

But how are my comments hurting others, and how are others comments hurting me?

***

In this political season, when everyone has an opinion, I've turned off my receptors online. But how do I do that offline in the real world? How do I ignore bad behavior and not react to it? And how do I stop behaving badly myself?

Comments, anyone?

Saying "Yes"

OK. I've been thinking about this for a LONG time, and the Universe got behind me and provided the coach I needed. I'm starting a training program for Triathlons. Not that I intend to compete, but I want to change my body and my outlook. I've always stopped myself before.

A friend turned out to have been in the same health position I find myself in -without the injuries, which is nice for her - and she turned it around about 9 months ago. Yep, A1c of 7.0+, fasting sugars in the 300s (both my numbers are lower) and weight creeping up. She and I both have sympathetic doctors and have not been "diagnosed" as diabetic. So that's a blessing of a sort...

She began training and lost the weight. She dropped her sugars and A1c to "normal" ranges. She's agreed to coach me into health using the Triathlon training model. 

There's a training model "Couch to -" which takes the subject from a couch potato to competing in some sport - whether it's a 5K or a Triathlon, or even Olympic sports... We are using the "Couch to Triathlon" model found at the Couch to Sprint Triathlon website. It's a simple, accelerated program. 

Since the "competition season" just ended, I'll have nearly a year to get into shape for my first competition - IF I choose to do so. 

I'll post updates as I progress. First is to get into the rhythm of doing it.

My first exercise is going to the pool and swimming 100 meters. I got signed up today. I don't have a suit that fits, but I have a form-fitting tank with a sportsbra and cotton swimming shorts. That will have to do.

A friend has offered me her bike, so I can ride the Tweetsie Trail as part of my biking requirement. I also have a stationary bike in the apartment building I can use.  

As for the Running - well... Doctor England, my knee doctor, doesn't want me on a treadmill. I don't intend to run on this knee, either. So, I'll "speed walk" as best I can to get my hips moving. That will be on the concrete sidewalks around here and the Tweetsie Trail. 

I've mentioned the Tweetsie Trail. This is one of the "rails to trails" projects found in the southeast, and is a pleasant little trail between Johnson City and Elizabethton, TN. It's gravel, packed dirt and concrete. I think there might even be some asphalt patches. It's been popular since it was completed. I live near the Appalachian Trail, so it may become possible that through this training I can hike some of it later on.  

Well, that's the news. Hope I don't disappoint myself by my results. I also hope I can keep up the training and don't flake on myself. I have a LOT of fear about this. Most of the fear has to do with body-image stuff. I get emotional and eat to keep myself heavy so that I don't feel "sexy" and attract men. That is why most of the "diet programs" I've tried haven't worked. There is a lot of emotional baggage that I carry which needs to be worked through. 

Having my coach will help. I have someone I'm accountable to. I have another woman I can talk to about the emotional issues. And truly, both these women can help me with the emotional baggage. I trust them. I also need to trust myself. At times, there WILL be tears. It's OK to cry and go through the pain. It's always better having been through it, when I come out the other side. The issues I'm dealing with are the biggest issues of my life. These are the things that have held me back over and over again. 

How does all this tie back to my book? Well, it's all about Type 2 Diabetes. A body that is overweight has a much higher chance of becoming diabetic. I'm severely at risk. The best example I can provide my readers is a successful outcome. 

Survivor-Speak

I was going to leave it alone. I really was...

BUT....

Do you have any idea how bad it feels to know that people blame you for being raped when you had nothing to do with it? What about this-- The first time I was molested, I was 18 months old. 18 months!

How in hell can a child, 18 months old, be held responsible for the actions of an adult?? How can a child 18 months old be blamed for being molested? What ADULT in their right mind would do such a thing?

So, this is going to be a rant, so get over it.

Children have no say in the actions of adults. We have been advocating teaching children, who should be living carefree lives and learning how to use their bodies and minds - to protect themselves against ADULTS who should know better....

This didn't even start to be talked about until the last 20 years. It's been going on forever....

At least that's what it feels like to me.

I used to feel so bad about myself, thinking I was the only one, and "if they only knew" and "I'm worthless because of" and "nobody cares" and a whole lot worse - constantly.

A while ago, I finally opened up about it. Cautiously at first, with therapists, then a partner. The partner got all weird and it ended the relationship. After that, I stopped talking again.

Later, I started sharing it a little bit - with trusted women friends - and always with therapists. Then, I "came out" to my family about the abuse. Not the family I lived with because they already knew, but the extended family that cared about me and couldn't understand why I was so self-destructive.

Then, I came out kind of publicly - in a group of adopted family that had members who experienced the same kinds of things. That made it safer for me to expand my reach, to be willing to share this with others.

When I went to college - between the ages of 55-60 mind you, I "came out" to my teachers about my abuse because some of the exercises and readings triggered really bad memories for me and I acted out or refused to do them. To protect my grades, I had to let them know why I couldn't do the work. My GPA overall was 3.34. I'd say sharing the information helped. I had to drop one class after talking with the professor because everything we read seemed to trigger me. I loved the professor, and I wanted to excel in his class, but I was getting worse and worse.

Self-protection, not self-destruction.

So, telling you, my readers about my history in this way is a form of self-protection. I may be ridiculed, taunted and some of you may unsubscribe. But the bigger issue is that there are MILLIONS of survivors out there. Many of them will never open up about their experience.

I hope these posts help someone who feels as bad about herself as I used to. Maybe she will tell someone and get better because of it.

It eats at your soul. I know this....

Open up, come clean about your experience to someone. Then someone else, and then someone else. The more we speak up, the less we will hate ourselves for something we had no control over. The more we speak up, the more we heal. The more we speak up, the more someone else will find the courage to heal.

Rape, molestation, -- these are violations of the body and the soul.  There's been a lot more public notice of this in the past 4-5 years, but many women my age will never speak about it. It's time it was made public so the world can heal and stop doing this to each other.