Boundaries

I was asked about 10 days ago, for my phone number so a gal could get to night meetings. Well, she has a sponsor and all (not me) but could only get to day meetings. It got to where I she called me the night before, when I was busy, then EARLY the next morning, and when I finally called back, she never called back.

So, she didn't get to the meeting, but I did.

Call a few hours before the meeting. Don't call me first thing in the morning before I've had my coffee. Call about 11am. If I'm out, leave a message. Don't call back 15 minutes later, expecting me to pick up the phone. If I can't commit, then I probably have something else on my mind or I'm preoccupied (like WORKING).

So, I was willing to take her last night, but she never called me back. And she needed to bring paper and pen to write down other women's phone numbers. I'm not her sponsor. It is not my responsibility to get her to meetings all the time. If I'm the only person she's calling, then she is not building up her network.

But that's the halfway house policy. Call and call and call. Make the person outside as miserable as possible and drive people away from helping the girls there. Hell, they even fired me (not the girl mind you, but the house) from sponsoring a gal because I had her reading to me from the Big Book.

Once a week, I'd go and she would read to me for an hour or so. But the house had other plans for her most of the time... Graduations, shopping trips, whatever...

So she only got to see me about 3 times, then "counselor" decided I was being too hard on the girl. She couldn't read. Not even at a 4th grade level! So, I was teaching her to read while she read from the Big Book. But I was too hard on her...

I haven't sponsored anyone at that establishment since. I won't. My sponsor said I should give a little. Hell I will! I'm over 20 years sober and I never had a stint in one of these places, treatment, or anything. I'm not going to follow their rules. I don't have to.

There are plenty of girls available and needing sponsorship outside of treatment centers and halfway houses. I can't identify with their experiences. I came in off the streets and got sober, so I'm not on the same path.

And once their treatment center or halfway house sponsor is outgrown, I'm there to take them through the steps, show them how to live independently, and interdependently. I can share with them a whole range of experiences that don't include the halfway houses or treatment centers, and living through it sober.

It's the same thing as trying to sponsor women in relationships. I can't help with relationships. I can help you get out, stay out, and live free of them, but I can't help you about your relationship. It's not something I am good at, so that's something I can't share. But if a woman wants to learn how to live as a strong, single woman, I'm there and can show her.

So, the boundaries are:

1) Don't call early.
2) Don't call late.
3) Return phone calls, and ALWAYS leave your number in your message.
4) Don't expect me to be your one and only ride.
5) I don't sponsor in the halfway houses or treatment centers.
6) I don't sponsor about relationships.
7) If I do agree to sponsor someone, she has to work the steps or she has to move on. We can be friends after she does the work.

Not a long list, but an important one. And one I follow.

Limits, Boundaries and Serenity

I'm finding that serenity is more important to me than anything else these days. I can't take a lot of craziness or disturbance. I need peace.

Sometimes, I do too much and pass my limits. It causes pain and frustration, and I have to curtail my activities. I went grocery shopping on Friday. It wasn't a lot, and it took less than an hour. But walking all over the supermarket to fill my list distracted me from my legs. By the time I got the groceries into the car, I knew I was spent. From my waist down, I burned and hurt.

I took some analgesic and stayed off my legs the rest of the evening. I didn't try to go to my meeting. By last night, I was able to go to meeting and get down, and then back up, the stairs. But I felt every step. I used the cane with extra support, and felt unsteady. I wonder if I need even more assistance...

I have a dear friend who is going through some really tough times. She is trying to get better, but life is coming at her hard right now. I feel for her, I really do. But her craziness is hard for me to be around. She needed a ride on Wednesday, so I came with my car. I took along my crochet bag and worked on a project, so she could do what she needed to do, and we had a little visit before her appointment. After her appointment, she made a phone call and got another ride home.

I haven't heard from her, so I can only pray she's OK. During our visit, she talked non-stop. We hadn't seen each other for several weeks, and a lot has happened in my life, what with losing a cousin and deciding to transfer to University. So, I wonder if I can continue to be around her if she can't hear me. Yes, she needs to be heard, too, but friendship is give-and-take, isn't it?

I have another dear friend who just lost her job after 20 years when the company she worked for was sold. I haven't spoken to her in a while, either, and we had a nice, long conversation a few days ago. We didn't have to make a big deal about it, just a nice conversation. I had my coffee, she had hers. We caught up. Give and take, and strong support for each other.

Serenity is important. That peace that surpasses understanding. It comes with faith, direction, acceptance and a sense that all is right with the world.

I know that my pain is because I did too much and expected too much of my body. It is no longer the body of a young lady, and I forget that. I need to listen better, and learn to do that while I'm doing other things.

I know that my newly unemployed friend will be OK. She did nothing wrong, and the next step in her life is what is supposed to happen. One door closing and another opening. She has time to sit and catch up with herself to decide which door to open.

My other friend, the one in crisis...
I can only pray for her. She's running from pillar to post right now, and can't sit long enough to get quiet and hear the voice of God. I can only pray that when she contacts me, my words will be the ones she needs to hear. She teaches me my limits and shortcomings when we interact, so I'm grateful for her, but her life is hard to witness right now.

I know that her pain and changes are not my pain and changes. I know that I have not caused these things to happen in her life. I know that I did not cause my other friend to lose her job. The only thing I did in my own life, that is under my control, is doing too much walking in the grocery store. So that is my part.

Neighbors

Ok, yeah, I know - it's all in my reaction...

My neighbor is driving me up a tree!

I appreciate her help during the last 6 weeks, when I was unable to do anything, and her changing my dressing - That was something I just couldn't do myself...

But I'm wearing really thin! She's my neighbor, not my friend. There's a difference...

I've been unable to mow the lawn. It got really tall, so I asked her son to mow it and we agreed on a price. He had other things to do for 2 days, my lawn kept getting taller. I'd already found another person to do it - but he finally got it done - with his mom's help.

I'd offered to the kid as a way to teach pride of work. He's got a special-ed HS diploma, now, but still can't get this concept.

Why did mom step in? Can you spell co-dependency??? Now I can see why her marriage broke up. Putting the kids before the marriage relationship breaks up a marriage faster than money troubles or adultery!!!

On top of this little episode, the kid sets his alarm for 4AM and puts it right next to the window. It wakes me up. We have 20 feet between the houses, but his alarm wakes me up. EVERY DAMN MORNING!!! I've said something before, but if he doesn't move it, I'll break it. I'm tired and I need my sleep.

On top of all this, the woman keeps coming over every day. I need my space. It's my house, and I'm tired, unemployed looking for work, and my house looks like a tornado hit it. I'm fighting fleas and just generally don't want company.

So, it all boils down to me. I need to set boundaries again. I didn't feel comfortable while building this house - I felt like she was sitting like a spider, waiting to ambush me every time I came over to work. She is a total time-waster. I got the point across then, and I can do it again.