THE EMPEROR HAS NO CLOTHES

OK. I'm a coward. I accept it. I want to die at ground zero in the first blast, not linger with radiation sickness for weeks. I don't like pain.

I don't watch news much, or pay attention to all the hate and anger in the world. Not because I am immune to it, but because it triggers so much anxiety and pain in me. I act out of fear and pain after a dose of "reality" and the news. I live as though I am the one throwing the stone and the one have the stone hit me. I see both sides. It's exhausting, so I choose to ignore as much as I can. But at the same time, I can't just condone what I see going on around me by inaction. I must stand up to things and object to things.

So, I see Donald Trump turning his back on the people who voted for him by every word and deed. We used to put people like him away. He's a danger to himself and others. Now, we applaud him - well not me, but people around me do...

So, I see a world in which a complete fraud has been perpetrated on the US of A. It sickens me. The "draining of the swamp" is instead packing it full of the very vultures who have the most to gain. They've already gained a lot.

But a fraud is a fraud is a fraud. The Emperor has no clothes. He's running around naked and everyone is acting like it's all OK. It isn't OK. Things are not right.

People like Trump used to be hauled off in straitjackets to the looney bin. That's where he belongs. He's insane.

Unfortunately for the rest of us, he is the head of the country - or on his way to becoming that.

We already have proven voter fraud in 5 machines. The seals have been tampered with and the votes nullified. All the votes. We need not just a recount, but a re-vote with UN oversight. In the four states where there is fraud, we need to do this. Not universally. Give a week for all the early voters, everybody who voted, to vote again. Three UN overseers in each polling place, and strict control of the machines.

Let's see what really goes on. Trump may not be the winner. His swamp may be drained well, yet.

MY STATEMENT TO TRUMP, PENCE, PRIEBUS, BANNON, et al

I don't know why God made it possible for such a predator as yourself to come to power. I think it was your insecurity and manipulation that caused it. I think that God wants all the world to see what it's like to be  taken advantage of by a narcissistic predator such as yourself.

I will never bow down to you or give you my approval. You and people like you have taken too much from me all my life, and I refuse. You have manipulated and twisted every situation and every mind so that people don't realize what and who you are.

I have lived under that type of gaslighting.
I survived.

I have lived under that kind of manipulation.
I survived.

I have grown up watching masters at manipulation, narcissists like you, take every situation and turn it into something sordid and ugly. I have watched as women of worth and power were reduced to tears and shredded self-esteem. I have been forced to watch this because I didn't think I had any power. It had been done to me, as well.

But now I know I have power. More power than you will ever have. I have the power to refuse you. I have the power to withhold my approval. It will infuriate you. You will lash out. You might be in a position to physically hurt me or even kill me. But I will win. My approval will never be yours. My trust of my spirit and my gut will win.

My spirit will survive.

What Trump Means to Me....

What a Trump presidency tells me is that I'm not welcome in this country anymore.

I was born into a world that was rapidly changing, accepting blacks, whites and LGBT persons; accepting of religions other than Christianity; welcoming, though guarded against, immigrants from all over the world. The ballot was printed in 21 languages and alphabets, so everyone could participate who was eligible.

Today, I know that world is dead. Trump being elected means that people like me, people who are different in any way, are not welcome in America anymore.

I was a girl child, and from the cradle, I was used as a sex toy for men. When I grew up a little bit and "didn't want to play anymore," I was tossed away. I've made my way since then in a slow, pondering way because I had no guidance and many obstacles. I had little support because I was a girl and no money behind me.

I've watched as this country has come apart at the seams, with hate, anger and the war of advantages between the haves and have-nots.

Today, with a new morning, the Republican party holds control of all three branches of government. This means that all the safety nets of the last 100 years will be undone. No more social security, no more child labor laws, no more medicare, no more women voting. We will be returned to the turn of the 1900s, when white men held all the control.

Problem is, the country is no longer run by white men. They just don't know it yet. They coerce women to do their will, force Christianity down everyone's throat, push through pipelines over waterways, cut trees, and destroy wilderness.

All for money. You can't eat money. You can't drink money. And if you don't pay your workers a living wage, they can't buy what you sell. The whole house of cards will come down.

I'm not welcome here. I was born here, but I had an obvious disadvantage. I was a girl. What about everyone else who is not welcome here? Is slavery coming back? Sounds like it. And LGBT? Better hide it.

Comey - Corrupt or Stupid?

The FBI director, Comey, released a document to Congressional leaders, hoping it would be leaked to the press. It was.

Either Comey is stupid beyond belief, or he is corrupt.

He can't be stupid, because he is the director of the FBI, and one doesn't get to that position being stupid.

However, one CAN get to that position and be corrupt. If he is corrupt, how far does the corruption spread? Is it ideology or financial? If it's just money, then Comey is an idiot, whether he's smart or not. He's an idiot to throw his career away to support a candidate- whichever candidate or official paid him.

If this is ideological, then he needs to run for office himself. Enough covert maneuvering. He needs to be in the light, not the shadows.

This election is weird, to say the least. It's very nasty, more so than in past elections.

No matter what, Comey needs to lose his job. An investigation should be made into his motives for this action. It's pretty clear that his action was meant to hurt the Clinton campaign, while he sat on - and continues to disregard or ignore - even worse allegations about Trump.

GRIEF

I realized on Saturday (yesterday) that I've been dealing with grief for almost 2 years. Let me enumerate the causes:

December 17, 2014                   Bugsie was put down. She had a huge bony mass on her jaw and was starving herself to death.

December 27, 2014                   My house reverted to Habitat for Humanity. I had been paying both rent and mortgage since September, and could no longer keep it up. I had 5 more months of school before I graduated. It was a decision – I could have finished online, but there was a class I particularly wanted that was twice a week on campus only. The rest of my classes were online. If I'd known giving up my house would hurt me financially like it did, I would have taken another class, instead, and moved back to Knoxville.

February 7, 2015                       Beasley got out and was run over by a car and died the next morning. Shortly afterwards, I got sick for the first time in several years, and during a blizzard. I took to my bed with the flu. I lost 19 pounds in 5 days, running a high fever for several days. I was very weak when I finally got out of bed.

Spring Semester 2015                My job at GCOP was a courtesy only. There was no work to do, and the position had been eliminated.

May 1-2 every year                   The anniversary of my parent's deaths. Dad in 1995 on the 1^st, and mom in 2008 on the 2^nd. My sister always calls me every year. I generally have little emotional response.

May 2015                                 I graduated from ETSU with my BA. I'd been accepted to both ETSU and SLC grad schools.

July, 2015                                  I dropped out of ETSU grad school so that there would not be two schools fighting over my student aid. Around this time, I also found out that my GRAD-Plus loan was denied. They cited my "deed in lieu" – turning my house over to Habitat – as the reason. Habitat never advised me that that was what I was doing. They held it out that I could always return the house to them with no consequences. During that 4-5 days between not having funding and being reassured by SLC, the stress of the move relieved. Then, SLC said that they would make sure I had a campus position to make ends meet. For most of the summer I was terribly stressed over the whole thing, moving, leaving Tennessee and cutting my possessions down.

August 17, 2015                        I packed up an 18' truck with help, eliminating furniture and belongings to fit, and left for Yonkers, NY. I had to wait until August 31 to arrive on the SLC campus, so I headed to Vienna VA and spent that time with my family.

August 31, 2015                        I arrived at SLC to be told I didn't have enough money and they were worried about my success because of financial stressors. They gave me an advance on my student loans and put me in a hotel.

Sept 1-4, 2015                           I sat in the hotel, thinking about my future direction.  After conversations with several people, I chose to return to Johnson City, TN over Knoxville, TN; Fallon, NV, or Los Angeles, CA. I have friends and family in all these locations, so any location would suit. All my belongings and my cats were with me. I had enough money to go anywhere in the country.

Sept 5, 2015,                             I arrived in JC, staying in a hotel. Was offered a rooming situation with Michelle J. for up to 10 weeks. 

November, 2015                        Took an apartment with Vic V. on Westwood St., off Barton. I got a job a Food City.

March, 2016                              Moved to a Senior Apartment complex. March 22, the car went down and I was on the bus until Sept 3.

April or May 2016                     My cousin Curtis Cullen Marshall, died suddenly. He was a year older than myself. I know his wife (widow) and son.

May 2016                                 I quit Food City. I was so disgusted by things that I couldn’t drive myself to go in anymore. I resigned myself to retirement.

May 17, 2016                            Published my book "Cat Urine Odor Solutions" – my second title.

May or June, 2016                     Curtis' mother, Martha Marshall, died suddenly.

July 23, 2016                             My cousin Greg and his long-term girlfriend, Kathy, finally married. It was a wedding we'd all looked forward to seeing.

Late August, 2016                     Greg's father Joseph Paton Marshall, passed. He was 94. He was the last remaining sibling of my father.

October 17, 2016                       Queenie passed. She was Beasley's favorite kitty-girl. Cancer of the liver. She just began to suffer that morning.

I have relied on other people, incorrect or incomplete information, and been shafted as a result. That part is up to me. I take responsibility for not asking the right questions. I don't always know the right questions to ask.

There are, however, many items on this list that I had no control over.

When things are falling apart, they are most likely falling together. 

When God cleans house, he is making room for something even better. 

I have to hold on to these little truths, or I'll lose my mind.