I've been half-heartedly writing a fiction piece every so often. I got a slew of emails right after mid-January, announcing quite a few writing contests. Unfortunately, I'd published all my latest to Facebook, so they weren't eligible for entry. Been keeping the new work close to the chest in response. I want to build a catalog of unpublished work I can submit.
In the friends arena, I've found some forked-tongue folks. I made a new friend, but she had to move away suddenly. I hope she comes back, but she's a friend for life. I have a few of these friends who move away and yet remain my friend. It's like we are meant to connect and then they move to where they are supposed to be. I have a network all over the globe, anymore. It's nice, but lonely, too. I want to have dinner, go out for coffee, sit and chat, and crochet together....
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Honesty is an area where I'm finding difficulty because of others. I feel judged because of what I say. I speak honestly, and sometimes feel like it's the wrong thing to say.
For instance, maybe because of my education, or maybe the way I've lived and the people I've known - I'm very open to gay women. I have a lot of gay women friends, and though I don't categorize myself as gay, I am not threatened at all by them. I welcome their raw honesty and insight. I find that most gay women don't lie to themselves, and I like that. I want that self-honesty in my life.
This seems to offend the locals.
Next, I'm not a Christian.
I've tried, I really have!!!
But Christianity does not "click" with my insides. I call myself a Pagan, though I don't follow any particular path. My spiritual training has been Hindu, Buddhist, Jewish, Mysticism, Kabalah, New Age, and more. I find truth in many sources, and listen to the message, not the messenger. That puts up walls around me that I can't seem to get through. It's like I'm marked with nasty red "X"s all over my life - or tainted....
Photo by Badger
Sometimes, I speak a little rough. In this southern Appalachian region, that seems to offend the locals, also. Women aren't supposed to talk like that. I was raised by a swearing mom who went hell-for-leather to the nasty stuff whenever she got angry. I take after her. I've learned that some of my language reflects mental states that I work to alleviate. But some of my rough language is just me making a point.
I will always be an outsider around here. I know that. I don't have three generations of ancestors here. This region is very "clannish" and likely always will be. However, I wish to understand them and their outlook toward life. I respect their viewpoints. I don't much care for the climate, but that's OK. I love the literature and humor. I love the self-sufficiency and self-reliance I see in the people. They are sturdy and stalwart, if sometimes a little rigid. Not at all what I was led to believe before I moved here.
My loneliness is speaking today. My friend is far away and others are shunning me. I know I probably have a good part in this, but I don't see all of it right now.
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On the bright side, the new diet plan and medical care is working. I've dropped a significant amount of weight - over 10% - since the first of the year. It's expensive, but I'll keep it up as long as my finances hold out.
My step-brother committed suicide around the time of my birthday. If you've read this blog for any length of time, you know how I've spouted off and said I don't believe it's right, and given my reasons...
