Rethinking Suicide

Not for me, so no, I'm not in trouble....

My step-brother committed suicide around the time of my birthday. If you've read this blog for any length of time, you know how I've spouted off and said I don't believe it's right, and given my reasons...

But..
What if I'm wrong?

I don't have the right to judge anyone. None of us really knows what's on the other side. We speculate and have opinions and beliefs, but none of us can really understand another's path. What if suicide was the path for someone? How can we really know?

When I talked to my step-mom, I didn't spout off to her. I tried to comfort her, instead. I'm sure she was feeling pretty bad already, and didn't need me to judge her or her son. She needed someone to say they heard her pain, and I did.

I do.

How I See the Spirit World

This post will seem strange to some folks. Others may identify with me or find in it a similar worldview to their own.

WARNING - This worldview is not for the faint of heart. It places extreme responsibility on the individual.....

The way I see spirit world, I begin with reincarnation. I believe in it. I believe that we come back many times - at least once in each 10-day (1/3) section of each zodiac sign. That makes a minimum of 36 lives. Each 10-day section of each sign is called a "decan." Sometimes, I think maybe we have a birthday on each day of the year, including leap day (Feb. 29). Each day of the year has different zodiacal influences.

Then, we have lessons to learn. We choose the lessons we are going to learn in each life before we incarnate. By selecting our parents, our birth circumstances, and the trials we will experience (the lessons we will learn), whether good or bad; are all chosen prior to birth. These lessons may occur in any or all of the decans. So, each lesson may need to be repeated 36 times or more.

Then, there's Karma. Karma is like a balance sheet. We give and we get. What we give out, we receive back. The bad things must be righted, and the fortunate things are reapings from past giving. Good or bad, giving or taking.

Finally, suicide is terribly bad. When one commits suicide, one is not only giving up on his or her life, but is refusing to learn the lessons chosen for that life. That means that the soul will have to come back and complete the lessons. Only the next time, the lessons will be more severe. It's the price of suicide. The 2x4 becomes a baseball bat. The baseball bat becomes a girder. It augments the power of the lesson. For this reason, suicide is not an option. It is never really an option, anyway.

These conditions, begin our journey. As we live our lives, we blame others for the things "they do to us" even though we likely chose the lesson we were given. Sometimes, we may also receive Karmic debt payments (good or bad).

For instance, my parents weren't really prepared to be parents. I chose their type of unpreparedness. My mother was mentally ill. I chose to have that influence. My father was emotionally and physically distant. Then, I was abused in several ways as a child, and I chose those lessons. The abuse and life conditions gave me a certain resilience and an empathy for others.

For many years, I "blamed" other people for the things I experienced as a child. However, I've had this worldview of the spirit world for many, many years. I experienced the cognitive dissonance that blaming and my worldview - in direct opposition - produced. As a result, I've had therapy for many years, until I had a paradigm shift and things moved into alignment.

I had a "breakthrough" and realized that the blaming had to go. Not only did I have to let go of blaming, I also had to forgive myself for choosing this life.

I don't understand why I chose these lessons or what they are preparing me for, but I'm sure that it will become apparent to me before I leave this life.


Yeah, a big change in my life just occurred. I can stop resenting myself for these lessons. I can forgive myself for choosing them. I can also grow up and incorporate the lessons into my psyche. That means I can stop hurting myself with all the self-destructive behaviors I've indulged for over 40 years.

The lessons are not the important thing in our lives. What is important is what we take away and how we respond to things. I've heard it said that "what other people do to/for me isn't as important as how I react (emotionally) to these events." I believe this is true. Our emotional responses are the real lessons we take with us into the next incarnation - or into Nirvana.

 Nirvana is a kind of blissful state where we are reunited with all the parts of our spirit and god into one. It's a "final resting place," if you will...

That's it in a nutshell. I'd be happy to discuss this with anyone on a one-to-one basis. However, don't try to "convert" me to your religion. I'm over that. I won't try to convert you, either, OK?

Sleepless Clarity

I hate sleepless nights. I have enough of them lately. Another one last night.

What happens, though, is that I get clarity. I see clearly about things that have bothered me. Things that have happened lately. I see the truth hiding behind the half-smiles, the looks, the thoughtless words.

I got clarity on a failed marriage last night. I realized that I wasn't wrong to end it. Sobriety taught me to not accept things that are bad for me, and that I don't have to stay around people who don't like me. I was thinking about how much I loved the man, my husband, and why I had to leave anyway. His son, you see. His son hated me. He was grown, but lived with us for reasons I don't care to explain. Because I wasn't his mother, he hated me. He made it clear in so many little ways. And my dear husband either didn't hear or ignored my pleas to make it stop. He never acknowledged my pain. So I left. I had to leave for my sanity. And when he begged me to return, I could not. Things had not changed. I had changed.

I also got clarity on a situation I'm dealing with today at school. An organization with which I've aligned myself has no clear identity, and I've been uncomfortable. Now I know why. I will deal with it. I will discuss this with others in the group, with our adviser, and consult my own conscience. I will go forward from there.

A friend commited suicide last weekend. I heard about it on Facebook, not knowing how he died. I found out from another friend by phone. "He died sober," she said. Did he? A permanent solution to a temporary problem. On a dry drunk, I would say. Acting out on old behaviors, and not checking with his sponsor. Not sharing the truth of his feelings and doubts. I sad outcome to a problem with another solution.

These are the things that floated through my mind overnight. I was cold, I was hot, I had to go to the bathroom. For all those reasons, I could not sleep. I miss my cats. I miss my home, I needed to cry and mourn. I needed to mourn a relationship and let it go, and I needed to mourn a friend's passing. I feel strangely rested, for all that.

I know that by the end of the day I will be over-tired and unable to sleep. I'll be sure to take care of myself so that I sleep tonight. My immediate concern is for a mid-term today. I have to do an essay, and I don't write well on the spur of the moment. I need time to draft and polish my words. So, that is my most pressing concern.

A cup of coffee, a long shower, and I'll be ready to face the day.