Sick Again!

Man, oh man! When will this ever end???

I don't know what it was, but I was so sick again last night. Corn? There was some in one of my vegetable combos. Was it the veggie-burger? That was an emergency move, but not planned.

I've made an appt. with the Dr. to have an upper & lower GI series run. I don't know if that will tell us anything, but I can't keep on like this.

I'm back on the horse.

The food plan is good. If I don't skip meals, I'm not hungry. The hard thing is that I have times when I'm away from home. I need to plan outside meals - taking with or whatever, better.

The other hard thing is that I really hate to cook! Who knew? I thought I liked it all these years. I just like to bake!

I've begun cooking large quantities and going to my meal portions daily. I can freeze cooked meats as well as raw. I just find it too difficult and time consuming to cook a day's worth of food at a time. If I had to cook each meal, I wouldn't even eat!

So, if I cook a couple of days at a time, the pans get washed and actually put away before I have to use them again. I have all I need, otherwise.

I'm just happier doing a nuked meal 5-6 times a day than making dirty pans, getting spit at by the stove, and standing in that nasty little kitchen, each time I have to eat.

Progress, not Perfection

Well, it's been 6 days on the program, and I think I finally got a system going!

I have to cook early in the day for the entire day and part of the next day. I do all my meats at one time. I do my carbs (rice or potatoes) in the afternoon/evening.

I do my fruit portions in the morning while I'm cooking the meats.

I then portion everything out into meals with the appropriate amounts of meat by weight and the measured amounts of carb or fruit. The only stand-out still is the veggies that are added to 2 of the meals. I can have up to 4 times the carbs by measure. I just grab a packet of meat/carb and toss in some veggies. Great if you got 'em! It looks like I need to go to the store or use my canned goods for a few days.

I logged on to the website for support, and set up my profile. No eating out, and no, I'm not having a problem with hunger. I did at first, because I wasn't eating enough. I was only eating 1 ounce of meat, so I was really hungry.

I went out and purchased a great portion control scale! 32 ounce capacity, marked by 1/4 ounce. A broad, flat plate for a measuring surface. I love it!

The worst part is getting meals mixed up. I need to set the fridge up so I have morning, mid-day and evening meals all in stacks. I did my evening snack instead of my evening big meal tonight. OOPS! Well, I added the protein and then did a carb instead of fruit for my late snack. It worked out, but the order wasn't right.

Maybe tomorrow....

I reviewed the budget today, too. I upped the food budget and cut back in another place. I'd noticed that I was over-budget for 2 of the last 3 months, so I needed to figure it out. Glad I did that, so I won't be upset with myself by going over budget.

With prices going up, and eating real food instead of short-cut foods, it costs a bit more. I won't be eating out as much, though. Why spend nearly $15 for a meal out that I can't eat? So, maybe I'll drink tea or something to be sociable.

I still have to figure out free veggies for those occasional hunger pangs. Jicama, or something. I'm not hungry most of the time, at least.

Weight loss? Not really paying much attention yet. More interested in learning compliance to the program, first. Then, I'm sure it will come off.

Sponsorship - Part Deux

Sponsorship is a part of life.

We have folks to show us the ropes. They guide us as we change our behaviors and our thinking follows suit. In business, we call them mentors.

It's so easy to get bogged down in "what is right" or making decisions that have nothing to do with recovery.

It's so easy to stay in the drama and sickness.

It's so easy to get lost in the business of life instead of living it.

It's so easy to put other things as priority and lose sight of our recovery.

A strong sponsor, one who knows our stuff and has been through their own, is a great guide. Their perspective helps to keep us on track. They can point out our mis-steps.

We have to be open to it. We have to know that our Sponsor has nothing to gain by being with us except their own recovery. You see, by being a sponsor, the sponsor gets to focus on recovery as it applies to another - often highlighting little areas in themselves that they hadn't noticed before. It's truly amazing what happens as a sponsor! I love the journey.

My sponsors - all of them, have their purpose in my life. I have one main lady, a second person who mastered a part of her life that I had to address and now a food sponsor who is addressing what she went through successfully - with me as her new sponsee.

The many 12-step programs are amazing! There is always someone in the program who has been through what you are going through. That person can lead you or guide you through it, so that you don't fall over or mis-step. They can re-assure you that you can (and will) come out the other side in one piece, better and stronger than you were going in to it.

I strongly suggest it for anyone. In program or out, Sponsors are good friends and real people to have in your life to make your life better. Open yourself to the trust. Open yourself to the unknown. Open yourself to the intimacy. Allow it. Encourage it. Embrace it. Grow!

Sponsorship

I saw my general 12-step sponsor yesterday. She is so great!

We talked for about an hour, on all kinds of stuff that is making my head spin, so that maybe it will stop spinning.

She showed me her garden, and we shared family news.

In the absence of my food-sponsor's responses, we talked about the issues and insights I've had so far in that part of my recovery.

See, recovery is a way of life, not just putting a plug in the jug, or tossing the pills and pot. It's not just abstaining from the behaviors that show our sickness - they are the symptoms of the deeper disturbance in our thinking.

Keeping close with a sponsor is so important. I see mine at least once a week in a meeting, and I try to call at least once a week. I'm not big on phones, and she hasn't trusted me with her e-mail address - probably not sure of my spam settings. I rarely forward mail, but there is that occasional fun bit that comes that I'll send on.

Anyway, so we actually talk - on the phone or face to face.
My food sponsor is likely busy with grandkids or work, so I know she'll get back to me when she can. Meanwhile, I just follow the food plan and write stuff down.

If my sponsor hadn't been there when I hit a bottom at 12 years of recovery, I don't know what would have happened. I was a complete and total mess. She guides me in choices when I ask before I leap. I think I'll ask her if she would visit me in this location or that location when I go searching for home lots.

I have a dream for my new home, and she's part of it. Might as well include her from the start...

Step 2 & 3 - Review

I've been thinking about Step 2 again...

"Came to Believe that a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity."

The part that I have the most difficulty with is believing that the power greater than myself could restore my sanity. I often feel that my sanity cannot be restored.

So the "came to beleive" part becomes important. I have no difficulty in believing in a higher power. That was never my difficulty. I had to stop playing God and learn my relationship to the universe: learn my place, if you will.

So it is not that I don't have faith in a higher power, but that that higher power has control over whatever it is that is making me crazy at the moment.

I have to allow the higher power to step in. That is hard for me.

It took me forever to give my HP the money issues I had. And once I did turn that over (Step 3) I was able to save and pay down my debt.

I don't know if I'll ever get there with relationships.

For now, I'm working on food and my weight. I have to allow God to direct me to smart food choices and listen to the nudges in my conscience regarding exercise.

The more I study the Bible and learn about the God of my understanding, the more I am amazed at how fickle human faith really is. We, as a species, continually try to manipulate the lives of others and our environment; instead of allowing God to step in and give us a miracle - Allowing God to deliver on his promises. We don't have that faith. It's a sad state of affairs.

I'm no better than the examples in the Bible - but I try to get out of the way and allow God to work.