Sleepless Clarity

I hate sleepless nights. I have enough of them lately. Another one last night.

What happens, though, is that I get clarity. I see clearly about things that have bothered me. Things that have happened lately. I see the truth hiding behind the half-smiles, the looks, the thoughtless words.

I got clarity on a failed marriage last night. I realized that I wasn't wrong to end it. Sobriety taught me to not accept things that are bad for me, and that I don't have to stay around people who don't like me. I was thinking about how much I loved the man, my husband, and why I had to leave anyway. His son, you see. His son hated me. He was grown, but lived with us for reasons I don't care to explain. Because I wasn't his mother, he hated me. He made it clear in so many little ways. And my dear husband either didn't hear or ignored my pleas to make it stop. He never acknowledged my pain. So I left. I had to leave for my sanity. And when he begged me to return, I could not. Things had not changed. I had changed.

I also got clarity on a situation I'm dealing with today at school. An organization with which I've aligned myself has no clear identity, and I've been uncomfortable. Now I know why. I will deal with it. I will discuss this with others in the group, with our adviser, and consult my own conscience. I will go forward from there.

A friend commited suicide last weekend. I heard about it on Facebook, not knowing how he died. I found out from another friend by phone. "He died sober," she said. Did he? A permanent solution to a temporary problem. On a dry drunk, I would say. Acting out on old behaviors, and not checking with his sponsor. Not sharing the truth of his feelings and doubts. I sad outcome to a problem with another solution.

These are the things that floated through my mind overnight. I was cold, I was hot, I had to go to the bathroom. For all those reasons, I could not sleep. I miss my cats. I miss my home, I needed to cry and mourn. I needed to mourn a relationship and let it go, and I needed to mourn a friend's passing. I feel strangely rested, for all that.

I know that by the end of the day I will be over-tired and unable to sleep. I'll be sure to take care of myself so that I sleep tonight. My immediate concern is for a mid-term today. I have to do an essay, and I don't write well on the spur of the moment. I need time to draft and polish my words. So, that is my most pressing concern.

A cup of coffee, a long shower, and I'll be ready to face the day.

Nope - and Yep

OK, I'm NOT sleeping!

Again, about 3 hours last night. I got up in the middle with a "brainstorm" and had to check the computer. I went right back to bed about 20 minutes later and finally fell asleep for that 3 hours.

Removing the vitamins and supplements has been an interesting experiment so far. I'm very unsteady when walking. I didn't realize how bad I was getting. So, I'm using my cane. It doesn't help a whole lot, but folks are more aware of my being in the area, so they watch for me (solicitously). Right now, that's a good thing.

Other things -

I've noticed the "butterfly rash" on my face even when I'm not overheated or have been exerting myself. So that's a pretty clear indication that the diagnosis is correct.

The joint pain is really a lot worse. My knees - even my good knee - hurt like the Devil!

I seem to be gaining even more weight, but I don't understand How! I'm eating a well-balanced, calorie-controlled diet, and yet the inches increase noticeably. My bathroom scale doesn't show an increase, but my clothes are tighter.

I had another sore in my mouth over the weekend. It healed quickly.

My memory feels much worse. I can remember long-term stuff, but I have no words for it. I have the memories, but no way to convey them - does that make sense? And short term memory is a joke!

And the bruising is back with a vengence! I'm covered with bruises that I don't know how I got them. I take one 81mg aspirin each day in the evening with my meds. It's prescribed. I take no other NSAIDS because they all have such bad side-effects. I barely take a Tylenol when I ache. I'm more likely to take a shower to ease the aches and pains.

I'm also having transitory chest pains. I don't know if I should go to the ER or not. They don't seem related to activity, so I tend to ignore them.

My skin is a total mess. The rash on my face is really bad right now. It got that way during school this summer and it has not cleared, yet. I want to make more of the white willow bark solution to use on my face, but I need more of the bark.

So, yeah, this is what it's like to have Lupus and be undiagnosed. We "know" it's Lupus, OK. We just don't have the blood test results to prove it till after Friday. That's me and my Doc - together, we know.