I hate sleepless nights. I have enough of them lately. Another one last night.
What happens, though, is that I get clarity. I see clearly about things that have bothered me. Things that have happened lately. I see the truth hiding behind the half-smiles, the looks, the thoughtless words.
I got clarity on a failed marriage last night. I realized that I wasn't wrong to end it. Sobriety taught me to not accept things that are bad for me, and that I don't have to stay around people who don't like me. I was thinking about how much I loved the man, my husband, and why I had to leave anyway. His son, you see. His son hated me. He was grown, but lived with us for reasons I don't care to explain. Because I wasn't his mother, he hated me. He made it clear in so many little ways. And my dear husband either didn't hear or ignored my pleas to make it stop. He never acknowledged my pain. So I left. I had to leave for my sanity. And when he begged me to return, I could not. Things had not changed. I had changed.
I also got clarity on a situation I'm dealing with today at school. An organization with which I've aligned myself has no clear identity, and I've been uncomfortable. Now I know why. I will deal with it. I will discuss this with others in the group, with our adviser, and consult my own conscience. I will go forward from there.
A friend commited suicide last weekend. I heard about it on Facebook, not knowing how he died. I found out from another friend by phone. "He died sober," she said. Did he? A permanent solution to a temporary problem. On a dry drunk, I would say. Acting out on old behaviors, and not checking with his sponsor. Not sharing the truth of his feelings and doubts. I sad outcome to a problem with another solution.
These are the things that floated through my mind overnight. I was cold, I was hot, I had to go to the bathroom. For all those reasons, I could not sleep. I miss my cats. I miss my home, I needed to cry and mourn. I needed to mourn a relationship and let it go, and I needed to mourn a friend's passing. I feel strangely rested, for all that.
I know that by the end of the day I will be over-tired and unable to sleep. I'll be sure to take care of myself so that I sleep tonight. My immediate concern is for a mid-term today. I have to do an essay, and I don't write well on the spur of the moment. I need time to draft and polish my words. So, that is my most pressing concern.
A cup of coffee, a long shower, and I'll be ready to face the day.
What happens, though, is that I get clarity. I see clearly about things that have bothered me. Things that have happened lately. I see the truth hiding behind the half-smiles, the looks, the thoughtless words.
I got clarity on a failed marriage last night. I realized that I wasn't wrong to end it. Sobriety taught me to not accept things that are bad for me, and that I don't have to stay around people who don't like me. I was thinking about how much I loved the man, my husband, and why I had to leave anyway. His son, you see. His son hated me. He was grown, but lived with us for reasons I don't care to explain. Because I wasn't his mother, he hated me. He made it clear in so many little ways. And my dear husband either didn't hear or ignored my pleas to make it stop. He never acknowledged my pain. So I left. I had to leave for my sanity. And when he begged me to return, I could not. Things had not changed. I had changed.
I also got clarity on a situation I'm dealing with today at school. An organization with which I've aligned myself has no clear identity, and I've been uncomfortable. Now I know why. I will deal with it. I will discuss this with others in the group, with our adviser, and consult my own conscience. I will go forward from there.
A friend commited suicide last weekend. I heard about it on Facebook, not knowing how he died. I found out from another friend by phone. "He died sober," she said. Did he? A permanent solution to a temporary problem. On a dry drunk, I would say. Acting out on old behaviors, and not checking with his sponsor. Not sharing the truth of his feelings and doubts. I sad outcome to a problem with another solution.
These are the things that floated through my mind overnight. I was cold, I was hot, I had to go to the bathroom. For all those reasons, I could not sleep. I miss my cats. I miss my home, I needed to cry and mourn. I needed to mourn a relationship and let it go, and I needed to mourn a friend's passing. I feel strangely rested, for all that.
I know that by the end of the day I will be over-tired and unable to sleep. I'll be sure to take care of myself so that I sleep tonight. My immediate concern is for a mid-term today. I have to do an essay, and I don't write well on the spur of the moment. I need time to draft and polish my words. So, that is my most pressing concern.
A cup of coffee, a long shower, and I'll be ready to face the day.
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