Sleepless Clarity

I hate sleepless nights. I have enough of them lately. Another one last night.

What happens, though, is that I get clarity. I see clearly about things that have bothered me. Things that have happened lately. I see the truth hiding behind the half-smiles, the looks, the thoughtless words.

I got clarity on a failed marriage last night. I realized that I wasn't wrong to end it. Sobriety taught me to not accept things that are bad for me, and that I don't have to stay around people who don't like me. I was thinking about how much I loved the man, my husband, and why I had to leave anyway. His son, you see. His son hated me. He was grown, but lived with us for reasons I don't care to explain. Because I wasn't his mother, he hated me. He made it clear in so many little ways. And my dear husband either didn't hear or ignored my pleas to make it stop. He never acknowledged my pain. So I left. I had to leave for my sanity. And when he begged me to return, I could not. Things had not changed. I had changed.

I also got clarity on a situation I'm dealing with today at school. An organization with which I've aligned myself has no clear identity, and I've been uncomfortable. Now I know why. I will deal with it. I will discuss this with others in the group, with our adviser, and consult my own conscience. I will go forward from there.

A friend commited suicide last weekend. I heard about it on Facebook, not knowing how he died. I found out from another friend by phone. "He died sober," she said. Did he? A permanent solution to a temporary problem. On a dry drunk, I would say. Acting out on old behaviors, and not checking with his sponsor. Not sharing the truth of his feelings and doubts. I sad outcome to a problem with another solution.

These are the things that floated through my mind overnight. I was cold, I was hot, I had to go to the bathroom. For all those reasons, I could not sleep. I miss my cats. I miss my home, I needed to cry and mourn. I needed to mourn a relationship and let it go, and I needed to mourn a friend's passing. I feel strangely rested, for all that.

I know that by the end of the day I will be over-tired and unable to sleep. I'll be sure to take care of myself so that I sleep tonight. My immediate concern is for a mid-term today. I have to do an essay, and I don't write well on the spur of the moment. I need time to draft and polish my words. So, that is my most pressing concern.

A cup of coffee, a long shower, and I'll be ready to face the day.

9/11: Ten Yars Later

On the morning of 9/11, I was blissfully sleeping, on the west coast of the USA. I had lots of things going on, and lots of irons in the fire. It all stopped cold when the Twin Towers went down. My life was turned upside-down within a month, and I lost everything. Maybe I didn't lose my life, like some good folks did, but my way of life was irrevocably changed forever.

Consider:
To take an airplane anywhere at all, I am subjected to invasive and prying security checks by an over-zealous protective force.

My internet and telephone conversations are illegally tapped and monitored.

We have troops half a world away, constantly in harms way, for something that is an illegal police action, started by a paranoid drunk and his buddies.

The news revels and recounts each death of the "enemy" and topples foreign governments without provocation.

We have a financial system in crisis, and we still can't move past whose fault stuff is.

All this in response to some terrorists blowing up a couple of buildings. Meanwhile, the political leaders who over-reacted are allowed to go free, when they deserve to be tried for High Treason and War Crimes.

What else but War Crimes would you call racial and religious profiling of a certain sect, in the Land of the Free, only to send them to a prison camp on foreign soil, to be tortured by foreign governments, under the flag of, and sanctioned by, this government?

What else but High Treason would you call lining your pockets from war mongering while still in office, while leading the country into a war for a personal vendetta that we still fight ten years later?

Make no mistake - The terrorists achieved their objective. They destroyed our way of life, and therefore our beliefs.

They won. We lost.

My personal battles are nothing compared to the greater losses this country has suffered, but that doesn't lessen the loss and grief I feel. I have NO intention of "commemorating" the date. I feel sick that some folks want to line their pockets from this. They should be ashamed.

A moment of silence, a single candle burning, the tolling of a bell, that's all that should happen. Not this media frenzy.

And let us cry. Stop telling us what to feel. Stop waving the flag. Let us feel our pain and move on. Let us mourn our dead. Bring home our troops and get them working again.

Stop pointing fingers. Who cares? Just get the job done. That is the American Way.

Physical Symptoms of Emotional Issues....

I feel like I'm getting another cold. I had the fever last night, but I don't really have that today. I took a lot of Zinc and Vitamin C, and some MMS last night. I still have the congestion in my face, so I'll use the Neti Pot to get that cleared out before I go to work today.

It's all a symptom of my emotions, you know. I'm mourning. I'll feel better, but I have to go through this stage of loss so that I can clean the house and remove all traces of my former roommate.

I began in the bathroom last night. I have to dump trash, but I got the toilet and sink. I used some of the shelves I'd put in the room in my room, and made my life a little better as a result. I'm still trying to get the blanket dry that I washed last night, and there are 2 more to go.

It will all come around and be wonderful in a few days. I just have to pick at bits of it every day. Flylady says to do things in 15-minute increments. I can do that - even with my emotional state showing up in physical symptoms.

Start where you are....