Survivor-Speak

I was going to leave it alone. I really was...

BUT....

Do you have any idea how bad it feels to know that people blame you for being raped when you had nothing to do with it? What about this-- The first time I was molested, I was 18 months old. 18 months!

How in hell can a child, 18 months old, be held responsible for the actions of an adult?? How can a child 18 months old be blamed for being molested? What ADULT in their right mind would do such a thing?

So, this is going to be a rant, so get over it.

Children have no say in the actions of adults. We have been advocating teaching children, who should be living carefree lives and learning how to use their bodies and minds - to protect themselves against ADULTS who should know better....

This didn't even start to be talked about until the last 20 years. It's been going on forever....

At least that's what it feels like to me.

I used to feel so bad about myself, thinking I was the only one, and "if they only knew" and "I'm worthless because of" and "nobody cares" and a whole lot worse - constantly.

A while ago, I finally opened up about it. Cautiously at first, with therapists, then a partner. The partner got all weird and it ended the relationship. After that, I stopped talking again.

Later, I started sharing it a little bit - with trusted women friends - and always with therapists. Then, I "came out" to my family about the abuse. Not the family I lived with because they already knew, but the extended family that cared about me and couldn't understand why I was so self-destructive.

Then, I came out kind of publicly - in a group of adopted family that had members who experienced the same kinds of things. That made it safer for me to expand my reach, to be willing to share this with others.

When I went to college - between the ages of 55-60 mind you, I "came out" to my teachers about my abuse because some of the exercises and readings triggered really bad memories for me and I acted out or refused to do them. To protect my grades, I had to let them know why I couldn't do the work. My GPA overall was 3.34. I'd say sharing the information helped. I had to drop one class after talking with the professor because everything we read seemed to trigger me. I loved the professor, and I wanted to excel in his class, but I was getting worse and worse.

Self-protection, not self-destruction.

So, telling you, my readers about my history in this way is a form of self-protection. I may be ridiculed, taunted and some of you may unsubscribe. But the bigger issue is that there are MILLIONS of survivors out there. Many of them will never open up about their experience.

I hope these posts help someone who feels as bad about herself as I used to. Maybe she will tell someone and get better because of it.

It eats at your soul. I know this....

Open up, come clean about your experience to someone. Then someone else, and then someone else. The more we speak up, the less we will hate ourselves for something we had no control over. The more we speak up, the more we heal. The more we speak up, the more someone else will find the courage to heal.

Rape, molestation, -- these are violations of the body and the soul.  There's been a lot more public notice of this in the past 4-5 years, but many women my age will never speak about it. It's time it was made public so the world can heal and stop doing this to each other.



 

Original "Star Trek" Episode and Rape

One of my little pleasures in life is watching the original Star Trek episodes on Saturday night. We have a local station (ME-TV) that carries it, and I sit down on Saturday night to my dinner and watch it before the late movies come on.

This week, the episode was where Kirk, Chekov and Uhura were on the transporter platform and were abducted to a planet many light years away. They were imprisoned on a world where gladiatorial contests were the norm for the humanoid slaves captured from around the universe. They wore neck collars and wagering was done on several outcomes by "the providers" who ran things.

One way to "increase" the combatants was to interbreed them. Shortly after Kirk and the others arrived, Uhura was "chosen" by a barbarian from this planet. The scene was tastefully done, but the screams and noises made it clear she was being raped.

Obviously, there was nothing Uhura could have done to prevent it, even though she fought back. Kirk and Chekov were in separate cells, down the corridor. Kirk objected, but could not reach Uhura to protect her. The barbarian straightened his clothes as he left. Uhura was dressed as always, not a hair out of place and her makeup was as always. Kirk asked her if she was "OK" afterwards, and she nodded. She NODDED!

She was NOT OK!

No mention of this incident by Kirk when he confronted the providers and reasoned for their release. No mention of Uhura's trauma to Bones when they returned to the ship. Nothing.

This episode triggered an episode of PTSD in me. As a youngster, I was molested. I was raped in my teens several times. Once, I was gang-raped at knifepoint. Once, I was abducted and raped. Los Angeles was NOT a nice place to grow up, but since I didn't know anywhere else, I lived through it. The first time I was raped, at 14, I reported it. I never reported another rape. As for the molester -  let's say that Stockholm Syndrome won the day until long after he'd died.

I was NOT OK!

Recovery from all this is an ongoing process. I have PTSD from it. It messes with my relationships - especially my male-female relationships. The trauma informs my writing and my determination to be more than a  survivor.

I wish that there had been a warning at the beginning of the Star Trek episode. I might not have watched it and saved myself the bad dreams, lost sleep, and "checking out" that I did for two days.

Yes, I checked out of my life for two days. I ate things that I know to be bad for me. I didn't talk about it. I didn't know how to talk about it. I didn't know who to talk with. I didn't even realize that I'd been triggered.

I finally realized all this early this morning when my dreams finally came, and I saw the terrible truth of all this.

Now, I can take care of myself again.
Now, I can forgive myself again.

It was NOT my fault. My body is mine. No one is allowed to touch me without my permission.
No hugs, handshakes, kisses on the cheek....
Nothing.

Venues- Looking for an Agent, Reading and Writing

There are more venues to submit work than ever these days. I found something called "authors.me" and submitted my project. I had to build a profile, then input the project. Then, I set it for "discovery" by agents.

I asked a friend and she said it was a giant slush pile for authors to submit to in hopes of finding an agent or publisher. I'm not sure how good those are. The agents and publishers have to take the active step of looking for projects, instead of sending a project targeted to the agent based on their genre and submission guidelines.

Then there's "agentquery.com," which helps to find an agent in your genre. I've been through that database a few times.  It's a good place to look and it's free. There's an option for a paid membership, but I use the free one.

And the next option is "querytracker.com" which is really helpful. After going through the agent query site, you find the agent on query tracker when you submit to them and you set a reminder for how long to wait till you move on. It's really helpful to keep me from submitting the same project to the same agent over and over again.

However, I DO have one agent I submit to every time I have a project. She's working in the same genres that I am. Actually, I found another one recently, so there are now two people who get a submission each time I have a project nearing completion.

That's the trick, don't submit an unfinished project.

I also found two of the three reviewers I need for this project. I still need another reviewer. I'm looking for a doctor in endocrinology or internal medicine who is willing to read it - and then make a comment for the book jacket. He or she must be respected in the field. Alternative medicine is OK. So, if you know of someone, send them here - I'll check for comments.

The next idea is to break out some of the content from the book and make it into articles for magazines and websites and publish them. Getting a publishing credential in the field is always a good thing when looking for an agent.

On the writing front itself, I've renamed the book. I may rename it again. I branched out into another section - I keep doing that....

I decided to check for articles on how alcoholism affects blood sugar and insulin resistance. Of course, there are only a few studies, but enough that I know I'm on the right track. The book may trigger some new studies being done, which would be a good thing.

We know that alcohol is metabolized as sugar. We also know that too much sugar builds into insulin resistance, which triggers the beginnings of pre-diabetes. So, I'm making a leap into that territory. I'm not sure how much of this I'll include, yet, but there will be a section on it.

On the reading front - I've found a new author I can't get enough of - Margaret Coel. She writes the way I wish I could. She built her world, found two unforgettable, very real characters, and they face challenges and interpersonal growth in each book. I love it!

Living Broke in a Cashless Economy

I never had money. I've never been wealthy. I didn't have much growing up, and I still don't.

Lately, however, I'm finding it harder and harder to get along. The world seems more expensive and the old ways of barter are harder to follow in a digital economy.

Cash is almost non-existent. I need coins for busfare, but I can get a bus pass and eliminate that, too. Getting rides from folks isn't that hard, but is a hassle and I have to listen to their judgments on my life because I asked for a ride.

Getting things done, well, sometimes it's a pain, other times it isn't so bad. Stuff costs money. Medicine, laundry (unless I hand-wash), and toilet paper. All costs money. I can get food for free. Anyone can - just call up the local food bank. But pet food is rarely included. That costs money.

Shelter isn't hard to find. I just have to keep my nose clean, pay my bills (money) and be a decent neighbor (noise and dirt).

It just seems harder and harder to do all this. My income hasn't gone up for over 2 years. Meanwhile, groceries have increased in costs by over 17%.

I got a notice that my anti-virus software was going to charge me for renewal and I didn't decide what to do about it before it did. So, for two months, I'm overdrawn at the bank, paying for it.

Other stuff I can just cancel or stop. But the anti-virus - I actually forgot about it, and because I didn't cancel it, my bank account got dinged.

There is free anti-virus software available. Avast is a good one. 

I'm finally in a decent living situation where there isn't a lot of hassle, no drugs, no bugs, and a responsive maintenance team.  After 3 years of living in nasty slum-like conditions, I'm actually blessed there. I don't get molested on the way to my apartment, and the neighborhood is pretty safe.

Utilities are included in my rent. So that isn't too bad.

Still, without my income going up, and the costs of everything else skyrocketing, it's tough.

No wonder people hate living on social security!

To any young folks who read this - those still working - SAVE FOR RETIREMENT!

Really! Don't touch it when life gets tough. I did. I went through all my retirement savings because "the system" required that I had no resources before it would help me. That meant no food stamps or health care assistance unless I went through my retirement accounts.

These days, they don't require that - but the funds have to be in a retirement account or 401K account that is controlled by someone else. If it's in a savings account, they count that as assets and require you to spend it down.

Home ownership can hurt you, too. That's something they don't tell you. It's an asset. You can take a loan out against it - even if the interest on the loan is much higher than you pay for the mortgage. That doesn't matter.

It's all geared so that those with money can keep it and those without never get any.

You see, I'm living below the poverty line - like half of the poverty line. I could double my income and still be barely above poverty.

Truth!

I guess I just wanted to gripe. I've been trying so hard to cut costs and stay on top of things, that I feel exhausted by it.

And I'm angry because no matter what I do, I seem to fall farther behind.

And I'm pissed that I'm overdrawn again. It's been an entire year, just trying to get - and stay - in the black.